tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51499248697048065552024-02-07T00:18:52.435-08:00An Aussie Surrogate JourneyEmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-38453367718622511512016-01-13T16:59:00.001-08:002016-01-13T17:00:14.192-08:00New Year Reflections <div style="background-repeat: no-repeat; border-style: solid; border-width: 0px; box-sizing: inherit; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.29; margin-bottom: 10px; padding: 0px;">
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We were fortunate to have a visit from Zander and his family yesterday afternoon. It was an impromtu, unexpected pop in (his family were down in Brisbane, and had a few spare hours), and it was lovely to see everyone again. </div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.29;">Zander is 21month old now - and VERY BUSY! He quite literally did not stop the whole time he was here. I don't think I'd quite forgotten what that age was like - but it was a bit of an eye-opener to experience it firsthand again. My goodness, toddlers are full on! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Source Sans Pro, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.29;">It blew my mind to think that this was the age my youngest child was at when I first decided to become a surrogate. I don't know what I was thinking!!? It did take my memories back to when I was fully </span><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.06px;">immersed</span><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.29;"> in all things surrogacy, and I found this old article I wrote for the Mamamia website shortly after Zander was born.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.29;">This article was so </span><span style="font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.06px;">therapeutic</span><span style="font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.29;"> for me to write, and even now it still brings a tear to my eye to read through it... </span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>Last month I gave birth for the third time. Only this time, the baby wasn’t my husband’s. Nor was it mine. I gave birth to a gorgeous 9lb, 9oz baby boy with his parents standing by the hospital bed ready to hold him for the first time.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>I screamed as he crowned, as my body forcibly pushed him from the only home he’d ever known out into the world. I looked down at his vernix covered face as he lay on my belly, and I could see his older brother in his gorgeous chubby cheeks. I had just helped complete another family.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>I am a surrogate mother.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>I decided in December of 2012 that I could be a surrogate. It was a combination of motivating factors – I knew the ache of infertility. My husband and I had been given next to no chance of ever conceiving naturally due to a host of serious medical issues we’d both faced in our teens. We were one of the lucky ones that beat the odds to have our children fairly easily though.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>I also wanted to ‘give back’ and do something of substance in 2013, and I wanted to experience a pregnancy once more (my two children were born only 18 months apart and my second pregnancy seemed to have passed in the blink of an eye). My husband and I were 100 per cent sure that our family was complete, and those painful, sleepless nights with a newborn were all too fresh in my mind. I knew without a doubt that I could birth a surrogate baby and hand him to his parents.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>Surrogacy within Australia is most definitely legal, but only if completed altruistically (unpaid), and only if the steps are followed as per the Australian Surrogacy Act. The baby is legally recognised as the child of the surrogate mother and her partner until a parentage order is applied for once the baby has been in the care of the his ‘Intending Parents’ (read ‘actual parents’) for 28 days straight. The process is scary and confronting when you’re at the beginning, with so many unknowns. But with a bit of hard work, a whole lot of trust and a touch of luck… we’re now at the other end. A family has a gorgeous baby boy who would otherwise have never existed.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>I met the family I would come to help in this way completely by accident on Facebook while researching surrogacy at the start of 2013. We ‘clicked’ and decided to get together in person. It was seriously the most bizarre yet totally natural feeling lunch I’ve ever had. The conversation varied from the weather and traffic, to fertility, pregnancy, birth experiences and children all in the space of a few hours. I think we all just felt a very real and honest connection – we were all there with one goal in mind.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>There are so many things that can go wrong when it comes to creating a new human being, and I think we all found it quite confronting to face these scenarios during the pre-surrogacy counselling sessions. We needed to be on the same page in terms of how many embryo transfers we would attempt, what would happen if a scan result showed something wrong with the baby, what would happen if the pregnancy was putting my life in jeopardy? We honestly got incredibly lucky though: the first embryo transfer resulted in a positive pregnancy test and a relatively straightforward, uneventful pregnancy. Baby was completely healthy, grew like a weed and kept me entertained with his near-constant internal acrobatics. Many surrogates are not this lucky, and end up on a heartbreaking journey of either cycle after cycle of negative pregnancy results or multiple miscarriages.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>As the pregnancy progressed, I often wondered what this little baby boy would look like, as does any pregnant woman. His mum had undergone a complete hysterectomy/ovarian removal to save her life a few years earlier, so a third family was needed to help create this incredible baby through the use of donor eggs and his dad’s sperm.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>When I looked down at his face as he lay on my belly following delivery, I could see so many people in him all at once, but most importantly for me – I couldn’t see myself. His cord was cut and my role was complete. There was no hesitation or possessiveness there for me at all. It was honestly like handing a friend back her baby.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>All three of our families got together recently to celebrate the end of the surrogacy process, and the beginning of our lives with a new addition. It was such a beautifully relaxed afternoon as the baby snoozed and was passed from lap to lap.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>I feel such a sense of pride and accomplishment to have been a part of this process, and so proud of my body for accepting him and nurturing him until he was ready to meet the world.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>Surrogacy can be heartbreaking, but it can also be beautiful beyond words.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d;"><i>It may not be the right path for everyone, but for those who have no other options it literally means the difference between holding your child in your arms or not.</i></span></div>
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Look at that gorgeous little face. Mr Z is 18months old already. How on earth did that happen!? Our family and his family went camping for a few days earlier in the week as it had been over a year since we'd had a chance to catch up. It was great to see how big he'd gotten, and for all the kids to play together.<br />
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<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-90088510174317088982015-03-25T21:53:00.003-07:002015-03-25T21:53:47.568-07:00This time last year.... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It was a year ago - a whole 365 days ago, that this chubby-cheeked little man entered the world and my caretaker role was swapped for an observer role. Zander is thriving in his home and it has been a delight to observe him develop and grow. Happy Birthday big boy!<br />
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<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-64311569356365441822014-10-15T00:42:00.001-07:002014-10-15T00:42:09.942-07:00Half a year has passed... <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Zander is nearly 7 months old!!! Where did more then half a year disappear to!? He's getting so big - just got this photo from his mum and dad.<br />
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If that happy little face doesn't make the surrogacy process worth it, I don't know what does!!EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-15831934164748953022014-08-05T23:16:00.001-07:002014-10-28T19:11:03.712-07:00Lets talk about Surrogacy<br />
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In the last week or so the topic of surrogacy has exploded in the media here in Australia due to a horrifying story from Thailand. When the story broke last week it was claimed that an Australian couple had employed the services of a Thai surrogate to carry their twins, but that when one twin was born with Downs Syndrome, he was left behind while the healthy twin sister was taken home to Australia.<br />
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At the core - this very scenario invokes intense emotional reactions in pretty much everyone who hears about it. I think everyone with a reasonably developed sense of 'right and wrong' can see that there is something horribly wrong with what has happened. Then, as tends to happen with these stories, each day more and more details have emerged. It is claimed that the surrogate is only 21, and went into the surrogacy completely unaware of what was involved (she had no idea about IVF and embyro creating, and probably had no idea what an embryo transfer was going to be like). She has apparently stated that she agreed to be a surrogate so that she and her husband could pay off some debts. She is now caring for the baby boy as her own son, again stating that he is hers because he was in her tummy.<br />
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To me, as a fellow surrogate, these don't sound like the words of someone who had a full grasp of what she was getting into. I don't know her, and can only base my opinions on what I've seen her say herself (on heavily edited TV), and the limited knowledge I have of the commercial surrogacy process in Thailand... but my heart goes out to her. This is the crux of the anti-surrogacy arguement: weathly western couples taking advantage of under educated, naive and desperate women. This is when the system fails. This is when a third party 'agent' gets to line his/her pockets at the expense of other people's desperation and with complete disregard for the lives being created.<br />
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We live in 2014 for goodness sake! It really makes me wonder at the state of humanity that we are STILL exploiting women and children. And I also think this is where most people are getting confused in directing their horror and frustration at this story. It's easiest to throw up our arms and say 'surrogacy is morally corrupt', 'there should be a blanket ban worldwide' and that people seeking surrogates are 'horrible human beings'. But that isn't the case and it doesn't solve anything. That doesn't deal with the fundamental problems of infertility or the exploitation of women, it simply tarnishes everyone with the same soiled brush.<br />
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I honestly don't know what the answer is.<br />
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I have been contacted by a number of media outlets to state my opinion, but have declined out of respect for Zander's parent's and the privacy of his family. But it has certainly got me thinking about the process of surrogacy in Australia versus other countries around the world. At one point I probably would have pushed for surrogacy in Australia to become commercial like many other countries, as it seems like in Australia the surrogate is the one doing all the work and taking all the risk, but the only one NOT to benefit financially! But I think I've done a backflip on that opinion this week.<br />
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I don't know that there can be a system where a surrogate is paid for her 'services', that doesn't open itself up for exploitation? Would it then become those with means seeking out those without? Women may be coerced into becoming a surrogate by the prospect of a 'payout' when maybe they otherwise wouldn't have offered? I honestly <b>don't</b> believe this would be the situation everytime - there will always be women willing to be a surrogate regardless of financial gain (strange but true - they do exist!), but it does feel like a bit of a moral minefield. Money has a long history of corrupting otherwise innocent scenarios...<br />
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The way the Australian system works at present has the surrogate volunteering her service. She gets no financial benefit (and often times ends up out of pocket herself as Intended Parents can't possibly pay for every pregnancy-related cost as some are quite obscure!). She does what she does simply because she <b>wants to help</b>. Both parties undergo counselling to cover the full medical process as well as the social and psychological impact of the pregnancy/creating another human being - so there is no confusion as to what is going to happen. And the most important factor is that both parties are entering into the arrangement as <b>equals</b>. There is no 'employer/empolyee' roles to play, and therefore no feeling of ownership or power. If anything the IPs put themselves in a vulnerable position as the law in Australia states that the surrogate has full control of her pregnancy.<br />
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This process is by no means foolproof, and it doesn't always go to plan. People say one thing, then do another. People make promises that they may not be able to fulfill. Emotions run hot. Miscommunication happens. Hormones wreck havoc and lives can be put in jeopardy. And at the end of the process the surrogate is left with nothing but a few more stretch marks, and in the worst scenarios possible irreparable physical damage.<br />
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Despite this, without surrogacy, a sweet little boy would not exist.<br />
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There will always be couples seeking the assistance of a surrogate to help them have a child. Just as there will always be women willing to carry for another person. The discrepancy lies in the amount of couples needing a surrogate, versus the number of women willing to carry for no payment. Which is how commercial surrogacy becomes a booming business.<br />
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I think as a society we like someone else to tell us how to feel, and we like to view things dichotomously. It's easier for our brains if we can just categorise something as 'good' or 'bad'. It means we don't have to think about all of the variations inbetween because that requires way too much effort (and way too much empathy!).<br />
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Surrogacy, however, is not a black and white topic. It is complicated, and emotional, and important - oh so important. It quite literally involves life and death. And I think if nothing else it's a good thing that people are talking about it at the moment. What happens from here I do not know. But I only wish the best for the poor twins caught up in the current scandal.<br />
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<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-83587994571667285072014-06-23T03:51:00.000-07:002014-06-23T03:51:04.314-07:00Officially not mine <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today was the court hearing to officially and legally transfer the parentage of Zander from my husband and I to his actual parents. None of us had any idea what to really expect never having found ourselves in a position where we were required to present at the Supreme and District Courts of Brisbane before... but we all survived!<br />
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We paid for an extra day of kindy for our own kids so they didn't have to tag along as well, but Zander's parents were told that it would look better if they had the boys with them on the day.<br />
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The whole proceedure was VERY formal. We had to wait to be told to sit. We had to wait to be asked a question before we could speak, and we had to say 'your honour' after every response. Mark and I attended un-represented, but Zander's parents had their lawyer there and he pretty muchly ran the show. He explained what documents had been submitted to the court, and how both parties involved had satisfied the requirements of the Surrogacy Act. The Judge then read through EVERY document.<br />
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We all just sat there in silence and waited. It took him nearly 30mins to do so. I found it hard to stop from fidgeting, so I must say I was pretty impressed by the behaviour of Zander and his brother. Zander pretty much just slept through the whole thing, only waking up at the end with a little cry for a bottle. And his 2yr old brother sat and read books and only attempted to run through the court room once or twice!<br />
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Then the Judge looked up from his reading and stated that he felt satisfied that this wasn't a commercial surrogacy situation and that it <b>was</b> in the best interests of the child to transfer parentage. He congratulated us all and reiterated that in his 16 years of experience as a judge he had seen just how important it was for children to know where they came from, and encouraged us to keep things open and honest with Zander (all of which we had explained we would do in the court-submitted paperwork anyways).<br />
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We gathered outside of the court room after it was over and we all immediately relaxed. The process was finished. Properly, legally finished! We took some photos, Zander needed a nappy change (pooing in court will be his claim to fame!) and then we all escaped the formality of the building and went to lunch to celebrate!<br />
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I honestly think the worst bit about the legal side of things was just not knowing what to expect. The reality of it was far less daunting then I'd imagined it would be. I also found it really surreal to see Zander again after a few months. He looked just the same as before, but had obviously grown and changed a fair bit at the same time. He is way more alert and gives away smiles to whoever happens to take his fancy, and is just such a happy, content little guy.<br />
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And so the Aussie Surrogacy Journey is officially finished. Obviously this doesn't mark the end of the relationship between our family and Zanders family at all, but it does feel like a significant and celebratory-worthy milestone!<br />
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Congratulations Mr Zander, you are now officially your parent's son!<br />
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<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-74735898082724963002014-05-13T03:36:00.002-07:002014-05-13T03:42:45.577-07:00Life goes on. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Zander will be 7wks old tomorrow, and is out of hospital and doing much better. Time is such a strange, relative thing. It simultaneously feels like an eternity since I was pregnant with him and worrying about having to give birth, yet just yesterday that he was pushing and shoving against my insides. I have plunged myself back into our family business after taking a bit of time off to recover, and have a dozen orders/projects that I'm trying to work on at the same time. This is all great, and very normal - but it means that I don't actually spend a great deal of my day thinking about surrogacy stuff anymore. It kind of feels like that was simply 'something I did', a part of my story, but not something that I'm living and breathing so much anymore.<br />
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I think when you're pregnant with your own child there's a tendancy to become totally absorbed with all things baby. I think the same thing happens when you're pregnant with a surrogate baby, only the absorption is with all things surrogacy and the exciting unknowns of the journey.<br />
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I remember the taxi ride home following the <a href="http://aussiesurrogatejourney.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/the-transfer.html">embryo transfer</a> back in July last year, and wanting to tell the driver what had just happened. That I was quite possibly pregnant with someone elses child. It's a similar feeling on the flip side. I get about doing the daily errands, and at times I just want to tell people 'I was a surrogate. I gave birth 7wks ago. I gave a family a baby'. But I don't. Slipping a birth story into small talk with a cashier is not something I'm great at!<br />
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When there was a baby-bump it was obvious I was pregnant and I was able to choose how much information to disclose to curious strangers. Now I just have a slighty-flabbier-than-usual-belly, but there's nothing outwardly obvious to say 'I gave birth'. There's no newborn in a pram, or packets of nappies in the trolley... It's just my story. A piece of the puzzle that is my life, that is now a narrative told in past-tense. Its a curious thing really... how a life-changing, life-giving scenario becomes 'just a little something that I once did'!<br />
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I suppose I could look at it in a different light though... that I've simply passed the baton of this story onto Zander himself. This isn't my story anymore. This is his story. This is the start of his life and everything that he will become. I am the opening sentence in the novel of his life and it is up to him to write the rest.<br />
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<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-77326627858846485322014-04-30T01:48:00.000-07:002014-04-30T01:48:00.059-07:00Unwell baby boy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Poor little Zander ended up in the hospital this week. He's still there, and is likely to be there for at least another week yet. He has RSV, a respiratory virus that is making it very hard for him to breathe/eat. His poor parents are beside themselves, and his mum is torn between needing to be in hospital with him and needing to be there for her 2yr old as well.<br />
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He's been tested for whooping cough, and that has come back negative. So that's one positive at least. The doctors are a little concerned by how long it is taking his body to fight the virus, and there has been talk of needing to go to ICU if things get any worse - but for now he seems stable.<br />
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I can only imagine what this must be like for his family. Having such a young baby so sick. Even just getting to the point where you realise you need to take your baby back to the hospital because things have gotten that bad... I can imagine, but I've never been there so I don't really *know*. It's a strange position for a surrogate, and not something I thought about as a possible scenario post-surrogacy journey. How would I feel if my surro bub got seriously ill?<br />
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There's physically nothing I can do for him. I toyed with the idea of asking if his parents wanted me to courier some expressed milk up there for him to try and help with his immune system, but I stopped pumping a few days ago and have gone from getting 80mls a session to 8mls. My body has finished its task now, and is letting me know. I still feel this inexplicable need to 'help' in some way though. I don't know if I've just become addicted to helping, or if it's because he was born from my body? I honestly don't know how I would feel if this was a friend's baby in this position... I assume I would feel much the same in my desire to want to do something to assist?<br />
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But as my thoughts just go around and around, I come back to the same conclusion - there is nothing I can do. He is with his mum and dad and they are doing everything for him. He's getting the best medical care and monitoring, and literally all we can do now is wait and give his little body time to heal itself.EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-66292089655796680572014-04-23T20:41:00.001-07:002014-04-27T01:41:54.935-07:00What's it like? <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3E2GqYO4HGbaLycULp_U_ynuVZl8HW1t8jpG-6kCf2GF9ZBuAZlRauh7V2quVqd3dv6zzH3zQIvRZAecwTa0bRldym98vKYe49LbsjyH440425vKSxU9U53x__hi7Rk5jOCylpmSrlDHq/s1600/zander1month.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3E2GqYO4HGbaLycULp_U_ynuVZl8HW1t8jpG-6kCf2GF9ZBuAZlRauh7V2quVqd3dv6zzH3zQIvRZAecwTa0bRldym98vKYe49LbsjyH440425vKSxU9U53x__hi7Rk5jOCylpmSrlDHq/s1600/zander1month.jpg" height="320" width="282" /></a></div>
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Throughout this whole surrogacy journey there was always one question that I couldn't answer - what would it be like after the baby is born?<br />
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I've lived the immediate version of this; the push-baby-out-and-hand-him-over bit. And that was totally fine, a relief really. </div>
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I've lived the recovery-period version of this; the go-home-and-lick-my-wounds/hug-my-kids-and-be-thankful-to-be-unpregnant bit. And while that was pretty intense and emotional for me, it was survivable. Once the hormones died down and my hemoglobin levels increased, once I had a few full nights of sleep and got to see everyone loving on that baby - I felt great. I got that 'surro high' that the surrogate support group talk about. I had been an integral part of giving life to that little baby and I was damn proud of myself. </div>
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I've even lived the good-bye version of this; the 'see-you-at-some-unspecified-time-in-the-future-when-baby-will-be-so-much-more-grown-up bit. And this was ok too. It felt a little anticlimactic actually. I don't know what I was expecting from myself, but it literally was just a hug and a 'see you later' and then back to my life. </div>
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So what's it like now, one month post delivery? </div>
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It actually feels surreal. It feels like it happened to someone else. Even my memories of the birth and the pain and the days in hospital have faded and blurred a little already. I find myself thinking 'birth isn't THAT painful!'... it must be some kind of motherhood-induced anmesia that helps ensure the population continues to grow! </div>
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It's not quite like it happened to someone else, but maybe more like it happened to me many years ago. Not one month ago. I still have no feelings of claim or possessiveness towards Zander at all - which has surprised me a little. I thought I'd feel something at some stage, but no. I am completely non-clucky. I can appreciate photos of babies, and don't mind holding them, but there's none of that 'must protect and nuture' instinct that happened with my own kids. </div>
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I kind of feel like more should have happened emotionally, and like I'm still waiting for that to hit me. I think the worst bit is the continuation of that feeling of not having any significant importance in this 'story' anymore. I've been made redundant, and that's probably going to be the emotion/feeling that hangs on for the longest I'd say. And one I didn't foresee being so significant. </div>
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EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-80331444763038754842014-04-11T20:57:00.002-07:002014-04-11T20:57:58.165-07:00All in a week. This week has been a rather mixed bag of emotions.<br />
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On Sunday Zander's parents put on a BBQ and invited myself, hubby and our two kids, Zander's egg donor, her hubby and four kids, my mum, step-dad, youngest brother and sister and my grandmother. It was a full afternoon of gorgeousness. We'd never had everyone together in the same space before, but it was so comfortable and natural and everyone got on beautifully. The kids played, Zander's mum did an easter egg hunt, his dad cooked the steak and we enjoyed the beautiful weather.<br />
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I got to hold Zander for the first 20mins or so as people arrived. He fell asleep in my arms and snuggled in like a little koala. It was so nice to have that time with him. I wondered if I'd feel strange watching everyone at the BBQ hold him, but I honestly didn't. I handed him over to my mum when she arrived, and she got her first cuddle. Then he went to his egg-donor's hubby for a cuddle, then got held by her kids, then fed his bottle by his egg donor, then cuddles with my daughter, cuddles with my little sister and finally cuddles with my grandmother as well!!<br />
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I actually think that it was incredibly important for my family to have been there for the BBQ. They watched my belly grow... and then all of a sudden it was gone and the baby was with his parents. That afternoon gave them a chance to interact with his parents, hold the baby and see first hand how much he meant to his mum and dad. Something I could have talked about until I was blue in the face, but still wouldn't have had the same impact as actually being there.<br />
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(my daughter holding Zander after his nappy change)</div>
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(My youngest sister having her cuddles with bub)</div>
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(My grandmother and Zander)</div>
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On Monday I had a doctors appointment to check my hemoglobin levels again (my lowest reading was 76 in hospital the day after Zander was born. They'd hit 78 by the saturday we left hospital, and on Monday they were up to 97! Slowly getting there! {the normal range is 115-160}). I met up with my student midwife for the appointment and we popped in to visit Zander and his parents briefly as well. </div>
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It was actually really theraputic to be able to talk through the birth and all the associated drama with my student midwife. I think it was especially important to get her validation of how well I'd handled the labour, how well my body had done getting Zander out safely, but also how serious things had become following the retained placenta drama. She spoke about watching the bed get wheeled out of the room and noticing that I'd gone into shock and not knowing if she should stay with the baby or go with me. The conversation gave me the space to revisit some of the emotions I was still holding onto from the birth, and allowed me to process through them over the course of the next few days. </div>
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On Tuesday baby's parents popped over briefly to drop in some groceries that they couldn't take back home with them, and to say our goodbyes before they flew home the next day. I didn't want a big deal made out of the goodbye, and I don't think they did either. So we kept it short and sweet. </div>
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(Zander and his big brother leaving our place on Tuesday)</div>
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On Wednesday Zander's dad drove their car and all their belongings the 1000km+ back home, and Zander's mum, brother and grandma flew home. I kept busy with household chores, but still felt a little melancholy that the time with them living so close and being so accessable had come to an end. We would still be catching up on facebook and through txt messages each day though, so it was by no means 'THE END'! I think I was just feeling a little dramatic that day. </div>
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On Thursday <a href="http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/surrogacy-stories/">an article I had written</a> about the surrogacy process was published on the online media page <a href="http://www.mamamia.com.au/">'Mamamia'.</a> This was huge, and I got a lot of messages of support and lots of positive feedback. I had been bracing myself for some negativity/trolls (there's usually always SOMEONE), but the overwhelming response was amazing. I was plesantly surprised, and feeling quite chuffed. </div>
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So all in all, it was a full week, but a positive one. Zander is home with his family (his mum sent me these photos recently. It looks so lovely up there. And now we continue on with our lives as we wait for a court date to complete the parentage order. I'm really looking forward to watching Zander change through the photos his mum sends me... and hanging out for that first smile captured on camera!<br />
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EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-67793132854778299452014-04-02T19:24:00.000-07:002014-04-02T19:24:21.592-07:001 week post birth <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's been one week since the big day. Zander is doing really well, and I am getting photos from his parents each day. We had our final counselling session to complete the legal requirements for the surrogacy process yesterday. I will admit I was a little anxious about it. The pre-surrogacy counselling was pretty intense so I was expecting much the same. I was worried that I would burst into tears/not be able to control my emotions, and it would be misunderstood as regret. But I did really well - no tears.<br />
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My trigger topics at present seem to be when anyone says how amazing the process is/being a surrogate is, or when they ask about my kids. Obviously these things were touched on during the counselling, and I did feel myself getting a little emotional - but maintained control. If I'm honest, I'm quite proud of myself considering I'm only a week post-birth!<br />
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I'm feeling a lot better with the dizziness/wooziness when I'm walking around too. I've either adjusted to a lower blood level or my body has replenished enough to get me across the line of feeling normal again. I definitely don't have the stamina I did pre-pregnancy when I was walking 10km treks with the dog, but I'm sure I'll get there again in time.<br />
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I'm also amazed by the changes in my body. My belly is by no means 'flat' (it never has been!), but i just feels so little at the moment in comparison to the last few months! I'm enjoying being able to wear my old clothes again, being able to bend over and lay on my belly to sleep.<br />
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I honestly have no regrets, and feel like people expect me to be more upset, or to be pining for Zander. But this just isn't the case, and it has kind of put me in an odd mind-set over the last few days as I've been interacting with people and getting these kind of responses, feeling like I need to justify or explain myself. I knew I'd be ok to hand the surro bub over at the end of the pregnancy - I wouldn't have volunteered for this process if I had any doubts. It's really quite black and white in my mind: he's just not my baby! Simple as that. I could no longer take him from his family then I could take my friend's newborn or my cousin's newborn. I have no claim to him in my mind, even though legally in Australia I do. The legal stuff is just a formality. He is with his family.<br />
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I look at all of these gorgeous photos of him and just feel proud. I wondered if it would be similar to how I feel about my neice, or my friend's kids, or even maybe what a grandma might feel - but I think it's different still. I mostly just feel really proud of my body for growing him so well, and delivering him safely. I can't take any credit for his genetics, but feel like those chubby cheeks and squishy thighs are thanks to me. I enjoy watching his mum and dad feed him and change him and hold him while he sleeps - but I honestly don't have any major desire to hold him myself.<br />
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I kind of feel like my job is done now, and it's time for me to step back. Which is probably the only thing that makes me feel a little sad. For so long my life has been focused on this huge event, and now it's happened. I don't have anything else that I need to do here, and for someone who likes to always be busy... this is a strange feeling. It's like having to re-adjust into my own life again!<br />
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<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-86847262329645193772014-03-29T20:02:00.001-07:002014-03-29T20:02:33.394-07:00He's here! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It feels like this blog post has been forever in the making. Everything has been leading to the moment this baby boy would enter the world... and now he is here!<br />
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Tuesday night was a bit restless for me knowing I had to be up at 4am to get ready to head into the hospital for induction. I actually think it was the most pain-free night I'd had in a while though - no cramping or tightening or braxton hicks. But my mind would not shut off as I went through everything that was still to come with the induction the next day.<br />
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I got up, had a shower, made some toast and double checked I'd packed what I needed in the hospital bag again. Baby's parents arrived just after 5am. They'd both had a crappy night too. Dad had what he thought was a tummy bug and mum had been up with their 2yr old. So we all started the adventure a little wiped out, but excited nonetheless.<br />
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We got to the hospital at 6am, and were taken through to a birth suite. I had kind of expected things would happen quite quickly, but we actually spent the first hour just on the monitor. They took some bloods and eventually put in a cannula (it took a few attempts).<br />
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I think it was around 8am before the midwife had the first go at breaking my waters. I was apparently about 3-4cm at this stage and soft and stretchy. But the membranes were too tough for her to get the hook through. So we waited a little longer. Shortly after a doctor came in and had an attempt as well. But by this stage baby had moved back a little and was sitting too high to break the waters safely (they didn't want to risk a cord prolapse). So she asked for the theatre to be put on standby before she did it. But we were then told that they'd just started a c-section. So we had to wait another hour or so.<br />
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By 10am they did the third attempt. I felt the incredibly warm trickle pooling under my legs. It's a crazy feeling. And the smell!!! Oh my goodness - I remember my hubby talking about the smell of the amniotic waters with the birth of our first baby, but I never paid attention to it. It actually reminded me of the smell of 'sex' - very hard to describe, but very distinctive.<br />
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They didn't want to wait to see if my body would start contracting on it's own, so they then attempted to start the syntocin drip - but the fluid started dripping back down my fingers. The cannula had tissued, probably when they asked me to put my fists under my butt to lift my pelvis for the breaking of the waters. So that cannula was removed and another one was attempted on the side of my wrist on the other hand (as they'd already attempted on the top earlier in the morning!). The drip was set up by 10:30am, and contractions had begun.<br />
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I set myself up on the exercise ball with a towel under me to catch the constant fluid. My student midwife Alex was INCREDIBLE! She just seemed to know where to be and what to do without my having to say anything. Baby's dad was sent off to the chemist to buy a larger heat pack for my back as the heat was really helping too. I was actually pleasantly surprised by the contractions for the first 3hrs or so. I was getting breaks between them where it was just the achey back, then I'd get the wave of pain right down low in the front of my pelvis, and if I kept moving/rocking on the ball I was able to keep on top of it.<br />
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They kept asking if I'd like the gas and air, but I knew from my trial with that in my first labour that I didn't want it. It makes me feel like I've lost control. And I managed to do my son's labour without gas - so I was pretty sure I'd be ok. It was at about the 1:30pm mark that I started to loose it a bit. The pain was becoming overwhelmingly intense and the pressure in my back/bottom was increasing. All things I knew had to happen for this baby to come out, but I was just so tired, and so overwhelmed and feeling like I was never going to be pain-free again. I was getting told how well I was doing from baby's parents and the midwives... but that just served to make me cry more! I felt totally helpless and I think the fear took over a bit at that stage too. Just how much worse was the pain going to get?<br />
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I managed to explain about the pressure, and how my body felt like it was bearing down a little with each contraction already. So by about 2pm they asked me to hop back up onto the bed to be checked. I was 7cm. I lost it a bit. I felt like there was still so far to go and that my body couldn't possibly cope any more. I asked for an epidural. The midwife said she didn't think there would be time for that, but said to 'think about it for a few contractions'. I was still on my back on the bed at this stage - but surprisingly the pain had changed. I was actually now pain free between contractions and felt really peaceful. I was actually drifing off between them. Then one would hit and it was like I just wanted to escape my body.<br />
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My body was pushing spontaneously again but the midwife didn't seem worried - she said to just go with what my body wanted to do. With one contraction/push I felt a gush of fluid - but I think it was wee. They told me I needed to empty my bladder, and once that happened baby would probably come. So they helped me off the bed, and I made an agonising waddle the few steps to the toilet and dropped myself over it. INSTANTLY I was in agony. I was pushing, pooeing and weeing all at once. I have never felt so much pain in my life. I felt like I was going to split in half. The midwives got a little worried at this stage as they tried to look into the toilet bowl - and I was quickly moved back to the bed. Once there I could feel them trying to clean me up a bit (it's totally motifying to think I pooed myself in front of everyone, but at the time I totally didn't care at all).<br />
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My body really started pushing at this stage. I could feel baby's head working it's way down - which actually felt like it was moving up - I think because of the angle of my pelvis. It literally felt like a rock-hard bowling ball that I was trying to pass. It didn't feel like it took very long, and I could feel the burning of my perineum and thought he must be crowning. But with the next round of pushes the burning got way worse. I had my eyes closed so couldn't see what was going on, but I felt the widest part of his head make its way out, then pause at his neck. With what seemed like a hell of a lot of effort/pushing his body made it's way out in a gush of fluid and was placed up on my belly. The pain stopped immediately. Zander Michael was born at 2:40pm on Wednesday the 26th March 2014, weighing in at 4.33kg (9lb, 9oz), 57cm long (22") and had a head circumference of 37.5cm (a good 1.5cm bigger then my son's!)<br />
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I opened my eyes and looked down to see him all covered in vernix and looking just like his big brother, but with slightly gingery hair! He felt so warm and wriggly on my belly. We waited for his cord to stop pulsing, then his dad cut it and I held him up for them to see and he was handed to his mum. I felt the sting of the injection in my leg to help release the placenta, and we waited for a contraction to get it out. But it just didn't want to come away. The midwife said it could take up to an hour. So we just waited. She turned the syntocin drip back up, massaged my belly and asked me to push if I could... but nothing. Then I started to feel the warmth of more liquid between my legs. I never looked down there, but knew what it was. After about half an hour they laid the bed back flatter and were scooping out the bedding/mats from under me and weighing them. Numbers were being thrown around and added up, and with each new gush, added to again.<br />
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Eventually someone made the decision that the placenta wasn't coming away on it's own and a few new faces entered the room. I can only imagine what the scene would have looked like with my laying there totally naked from the belly down and blood everywhere - something that probably wouldn't have even fazed them though. The midwife said that someone needed to call my husband to let him know what was happening, so baby's mum made the call. I think she was trying to stay calm and explain that I was still ok, but the midwife yelled across the room that it wasn't ok at all (and my poor hubby heard that!). I was spoken to very calmly and gently by a few doctors who explained what was happening and what they needed to do. Another doctor was setting up yet another cannula on my other hand, someone else was inserting a catheter, and I was asked if I would prefer a general anesthetic or an epidural (NOW they offer me one! lol). I was in so much pain at this stage that I explained that I would have prefered the epidural because I don't wake up very well from generals, but that there was no way I could sit up for it.<br />
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So I was wrapped up and the bed was pushed out of the room. I just remember wanting the pain to stop and the ride to the theatre seemed to take so long. I had to shuffle from the birth suite bed over to the theatre one which took all of my effort. A mask was put over my face and someone leaned in beside me and said 'don't worry honey, you've got babies at home to get back to. We'll look after you'.<br />
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And then I looked up and it was 5:30pm and I was in recovery and shivering like crazy. I actually didn't have as much trouble waking up this time and was pretty with it in a few minutes. A doctor came to speak with me and said that they'd managed to get the placenta out, that I didn't have any tears or grazes and my uterus was contracting back nicely now, but that I'd lost at least 2L of blood. They hadn't given me a transfusion, but said they'd keep an eye on my blood levels. They sat me up briefly and I wasn't too dizzy. Then someone came to push the bed back to the ward. I remember thinking 'oh, it's probably a good thing the kids aren't here to see this' - then we rounded the corner and they were standing there with my hubby. The looks on their little faces was heartbreaking. I must have looked a sight with the horrible purple hospital gown, oxygen cord under my nose, drips on each arm and a catheter bag hanging off the bed!<br />
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Baby's mum was there too, and bub was sleeping soundly. Apparently he'd gotten quite unsettled after all the drama as everyone was waiting to see what had happened with me, but he'd been fed some of the expressed colostrum and had finally settled. I got a cuddle and my kids jumped up on the bed with me to say hello and meet the baby. They asked lots of questions about the bed and about the tubes and cords and things, but seemed to take it all in without any worries. Kids are amazing like that! My 3yr old asked if I was broken, which made me laugh. I explained that I was just a little bit, but that I'd get better.<br />
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(Zander at 8hrs old later that night)</div>
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We ended up spending three nights in hospital. Baby's mum was able to stay the whole time too, and is seriously a natural with all this newborn stuff! In his first 24hrs, Zander was quite mucussy, and went blue a few times trying to cough it up from his lungs which was bloody scary. But he had stopped doing that by the time we went home on Saturday morning. </div>
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(First bath with his mum and dad at approx 20hrs old)</div>
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He got expressed colostrum for the first 24hrs, and then went onto formula. He very quickly went from being satisfied with 10-20ml per feed, to taking nearly 150ml of formula in the space of a few hours on his third night!<br />
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(cuddles with his pop)</div>
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It was incredible to witness his big brother meeting him for the first time as well. He was so gentle and curious. And genuinely excited at the prospect of having 'bubba' come home with him! The three days in hospital must have seemed like an eternity for him. I know my kids and hubby were missing me as well, and the second visit they made to the hospital was quite emotional. My daughter didn't want to leave me and cried as her dad had to physically pull her away so they could leave. For an incredibly hormonal, over tired and low-on-blood mumma, this was almost too much to bare.<br />
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As good as I felt about the gift I'd just given, I also felt incredibly guilty for being away from my kids for so many days. And it's that feeling of guilt that is proving a little tricky to shake.<br />
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(Bubba and mumma)</div>
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(Proud surro-mum. Feeling quite good here, I think this was second day in hospital)</div>
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(look at those cheeks!!!!)</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
(More brother cuddles)</div>
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(My 4yr old got her first cuddle and was feeling very proud of herself for holding up his head - albeit a little awkwardly!).<br />
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(Eyes open)</div>
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<br />
(The delicious hopsital breakfast! lol. I actually didn't mind having my meals delivered to me three times a day at all, but was so greatful to go home and have access to my own food again).<br />
<br />
We had all thought I'd be fine to go home on the Friday. I was feeling good, baby was fine - but my blood levels had dropped further (apparently they transfuse when you get to 80, and I had dropped to 76), and my liver results weren't great either. So we ended up in for that extra night because I didn't want the transfusion. I was so focused on getting out of there, and feeling quite well that I didn't realise how exhausted I'd feel once I did get home and was back on mummy-duty. I'm physically totally fine - I don't feel like I just pushed out a 9lb, 9oz baby at all - but just feel totally wiped of energy. A little like being hit by a truck and just having your whole body screaming out for rest.<br />
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My hubby has been fantastic. So attentive and caring and beautiful - so much so that everytime he does something lovely I burst into tears again. This morning he made toast for me and I found myself sitting there crying while I ate it! I'm crazy hormonal, and I think my milk has probably come in as I'm feeling very full and pendulous! I'm not terribly uncomfortable there yet though, so won't express until I need to for comfort. I'm just impatient to start feeling like me again. After the exhaustion of the last few months of pregnancy, I am just over feeling tired. But I know I have to be patient... I just don't do that very well!<br />
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We have counselling later this week as part of the legal process of having Zander's parantage transferred from us to his parents, and his mum is sending me photos of him each day which is lovely. I'll save a few and post them here the next time I log back on.EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-69263152473740234552014-03-24T23:11:00.002-07:002014-03-24T23:11:59.590-07:00Induction TOMORROW! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Well... the time has come. This baby is being evicted first thing tomorrow morning. My body is so ready to be occupant-free! We had a 'stretch and sweep' last friday, and I was apparently already 2cm dilated. It led to a bit of cramping and tightening overnight, but nothing more eventuated.<br />
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The same thing happened last night - lots of lower back ache, pelvis pain, pressure, cramping, semi-regular tightenings... but they again fizzled out! I never had anything like this with my previous two pregnancies. It messes with your head a bit really, and means that sleep becomes rediculously hard to attain. I've never been a big day-sleeper, but had a 3hr nap today (I have a whole new appreciation for the kid's kindy-days now!!!) and feel a little more human this afternoon.<br />
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This is probably the last belly shot (with baby still inside) too. I feel like he's dropped a bit - mostly because I can feel the bowling-ball-like hardness of his head way down low when I walk - but I don't think my belly has really changed or grown much in the last few weeks. Fundal height is 43cm now, and I'm SO curious to find out if this baby boy is actually large - or if he'll come out normal-sized and surprise us all. (Also very curious to see what he looks like too!).<br />
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It occured to me last week that I hadn't made this bubba a teddy of his own either... Making teddy bears is what I 'do' - and I was kind of surprised that it had slipped my mind to do one for him! Thankfully I had a child-safe bear design I'd drawn up a few years ago and found one of our last pieces of a silky baby-blue faux fur to use. It is such a simple design compared to my <a href="http://emmasbears.blogspot.com.au/">normal collector bears</a>, and only took a few hours that it worked well with my serious lack of energy at present too! lol<br />
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He's just a floppy, un-jointed little bear with safety eyes... but he's still one of a kind. This little baby boy will be the only one in the world with a teddy like this.<br />
<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-35222790968169962682014-03-17T14:14:00.000-07:002014-03-17T14:17:16.235-07:0038wks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
38 weeks tomorrow.<br />
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Wow<br />
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just wow!<br />
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I have a full-sized newborn baby living inside of me. Someone else's baby. It really is such a mind-bend!<br />
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I'm finding that nearly every night my dreams are getting more and more bizarre, and are all interconnected to pregnancy/birth/babies/surrogacy etc in some way. Last night's dream was that I was in hospital and had just given birth, as had another surrogate. The other surrogate had handed her surro bub over to their family, then demanded that I give her the surro bub I'd just delivered... I was like 'um, no... he has a family already. Besides, what do YOU want with him! Why were you a surrogate if you wanted a baby of your own!?'<br />
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Then the dream changed and somehow I was swimming in a flooded Brisbane river, hanging onto partly submerged buildings looking for oysters (I don't think there are actually oysters in the river though - or that I'd want to be swimming in it, flooded or otherwise! lol).<br />
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Baby's mum and I have been spending a good amount of time together attending appointments and hanging out. I've now had 2 x acupunture sessions and 45mins of glorious reflexology to help try and entice this baby boy out. There's a 3rd acupunture session booked for this afternoon, and another hospital check up tomorrow. My days now revolve around all things pregnancy and baby - which probably explains why the same things fill my dreams as well.<br />
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We spent a good 2hrs at the birth suite yesterday afternoon with baby on the CTG monitor and some urine/bloods/BP checks. It was actually quite a timely experience to be able to sit in one of the birth suites and get a good look around WITHOUT being in labour! I noticed things I hadn't even spotted when I was there 3yrs ago for the birth of my son. I got quite excited to see a bath - only to be told 'no, you can't give birth in there'!<br />
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We talked through labour plans for us all, where she and baby's dad would be, how hands on I thought I might like them to be (or not at all), the delayed cord clamping for baby if possible, the logistics if we do have to stay overnight in the ward and where baby's mum will sleep... it was also timely to be able to have those conversations again. I think it's surprising sometimes as to the things you just assume, or expect - but don't actually check with other people. It's a nice feeling to know we're on the same page for a lot of this labour business!<br />
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We now just keep going about our days, waiting either for my body to release this little boy, or for the hopsital to say 'no, we need to get him out now'... which ever comes first!EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-47928892584398783182014-03-08T18:12:00.001-08:002014-03-08T18:12:16.384-08:00Limbo <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Had the second growth scan on friday. At 36wks, 2 days this baby boy's head is measuring 40wks, 2 days. The rest of him (legs, belly etc) sit between 38-39wks on average. They didn't give me a weight estimate (I don't think they wanted to freak me out any more!).<br />
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His head was nice and low and he kept true-to-form and kicked the sonographer throughout the whole scan. It made her job of measuring his leg bones interesting! My blood pressure was actually normal at this appointment too. I was quite surprised as my home readings have been all over the shop during the week. My bloods and urines were all totally normal, and basically the conclusion was that this baby is totally happy in there, not affected by my blood pressure at all and that we now just wait out the next few weeks until he wants to come out!<br />
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They did explain that they would like to schedule an induction on the 39th-40th week, so that I'm not going past the due date of April 2nd. I would very much like to go into labour spontaneously before then though!<br />
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It's a funny old head-space you find yourself in during these last weeks. You are actually looking forward to those first twinges of labour pain, and analysing every little niggle. Last night was particularly uncomfortable and restless, and my pregnancy brain decided that someone had given the baby a toy train to play with inside my tummy, which is why it was hurting so much! Made perfect sense in my dreams! :P<br />
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<br />
I've started expressing small amounts of colostrum this week too. Just when I feel full/achey which is about every second day or so. I'm not getting heaps, probably 20-30mls per time, but newborns don't need a lot for their first few feeds - so we might have enough to see him through his first 24hrs? It also takes the pressure off me after he's born, and makes the option of feeding him colostrum so much simpler for his parents too. I won't need to be expressing right then and there, and they can just defrost it and feed him when they want to. I figure my body is making it regardless, why not use it. Plus the extra stimulation from expressing might just help kick start labour?!<br />
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It's funny though, a part of me would be quite happy to go into labour today. But then another part of me is kind of like 'don't wish away the experience'. It's so easy to take something for granted when it is your life 24hrs a day. But I know as soon as my belly is empty and I am not getting those little shoves and jabs at all times of the day and night, I'll probably miss it. It feels a lot like waiting in limbo at the moment though - not knowing if I am going to go into labour soon. Or if my body will hold on right up until the start of April and need to be induced? And all the unknowns around exactly what will happen after he's out, how I'll feel/act, how my family will feel/act, how his family will feel/act, all the 'red tape' we'll still need to sort out in preparation for the parentage order/registering his birth etc. It really gets a bit overwhelming if I try to 'sort it out' in my mind. So I've just been avoiding thinking about it! I'm focused on the next step right now - which for me is labour. This is the last physical thing I really need to do in this process.... and even though I realistically only have limited control over it, it's MY thing. So I'll prepare and plan and research and focus my energy there.<br />
<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-50815131965294819742014-03-02T04:07:00.000-08:002014-03-02T14:42:16.301-08:0035wks feels like so close, yet so far to go still! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We're 35 weeks through this pregnancy now. That just seems like some kind of crazy-significant amount of time. My mind races back to the day of the <a href="http://aussiesurrogatejourney.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/the-transfer.html">embryo transfer</a> and it feels like it was only yesterday, and yet a lifetime ago at the same time.<br />
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This little man has been quite active today - as much as a baby his size can be anyways. There has been a lot of pushing and wriggling and stretching and hiccuping. I can feel/see the outline of his back when he pushes himself outwards. And he's not a dainty little flower at all! I remember seeing this ONCE when I was pregnant with my first baby, and being amazed as she pushed her back/bottom out and my belly shaped around her.<br />
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With this little man - it happens multiple times a day/night. I can usually tell what side he's chosen to lay on depending on where the hard-mass of baby torso is sitting. His buttocks sit right up under my ribs still (I don't think he's planning on engaging/dropping anytime soon!), and act as a kind of handy shelf for sitting a drink or the TV remote.<br />
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Although he has been known to kick these off - the general belly vacinity is has always been 'his' area for as long as I've been aware of his movements!<br />
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What I would give for a couple of extra inches of space between my ribs and my pelvis though...<br />
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I had yet another OB appointment last friday - they are going to be weekly until I no longer have a passenger I'd say - and I'm still measuring ahead of where I should be.<br />
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At 30wks fundal height was measuring at 32.<br />
At 32wks funal height was measuring at 34.<br />
At 33wks fundal height was measuring at 35.<br />
At 34wks fundal height was measuring at 36.<br />
and at 35wks, fundal height was measuring at 39...<br />
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So I was consistently only a few 'weeks' over until that last appointment.<br />
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I was watching an episode of 'Deliver Me' today, and it seemed like so many women on that show are told that their babies are too small, or growth restricted, and I could see how stressed they were about the information. I have never been in that situation, and couldn't really imagine what that must be like. They are told to rest, eat more and stop work. Yet even that doesn't make a difference in some cases. There must just be a total sense of helplessness.<br />
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At least in this situation, I know that this bub is likely to be bigger then average, but that this simply means he's healthy and happy. It also means a little extra discomfort for me in the last weeks... but the end is so close I'm just trying to take things day by day (or rather sleepless night by sleepless night! lol).<br />
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Only 5 more days until baby's family move down here to be closer for the birth too. Which will give us much better access to just hang out and be 'pregnant' together while we wait for this birth!<br />
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<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-45615995833695054912014-02-26T02:09:00.000-08:002014-02-26T02:12:35.134-08:00Getting closer<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Saw the OBs again last friday at 34weeks. Our gorgeous student midwife was there for the appointment as well which was lovely as I got popped onto the heart-rate monitor for half an hour or so, and it was nice to have someone to chat with while baby went nuts trying to kick off the straps (have I mentioned how much he hates any kind of pressure on my belly! lol) </div>
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My blood pressure was still stressing them out, but had dropped a lot closer to my standard 'at home' levels by the end of the appointment. But I'm still on weekly checks, and there's another scan booked for the 36wk check in. I'm so curious to see how much of a growth change there has been since the scan at 32wks. </div>
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I'm still feeling rather large, and tired - as you can see in the photo below! The skin on my belly is becoming really itchy lately too - another symptom I don't remember from my previous pregnancies. It's that strip of skin between my ribs and my belly button that seem to be copping it the worst - but I think this is where baby has decided to park his chubby little bottom - so that could be the reason. </div>
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Heart-burn is a daily occurance - but I do spend a lot of time sitting on the floor to do my work, and kind of leaning over to draw patterns/cut/sew etc (you think I'd sit at a table hey! :P). And I think it's the process of sitting cross-legged and leaning forward that pushes baby up into my stomach and makes the heart burn worse. If I wasn't such a stickler for my floor-position while working, I'd probably be a lot more comfortable! lol It's a little like my persistance in wearing high-healed shoes, despite walking like I have a watermellon resting in my pelvis! :P<br />
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Let's put it down to being a slow learner! :P<br />
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I think I mentioned in the last post that the view I have is different to the side-on belly shots I post. So I decided to take a top-down shot to show you what I mean. This is what I see when sitting on the floor to sew. You can see how baby has his bum over to the right-hand side of my belly here too.<br />
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He's pretty quiet and 'well behaved' during the day now, and then comes alive in the evenings/overnight/early morning. His mum and dad may be in for an interesting few weeks while he adjusts to the day = awake, night = sleep routine.<br />
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Emotionally I feel like I'm cruising along quite well at the moment too. I swing between really really wanting my body back for me, and making the effort to enjoy having this little man bunkered down inside of me. I keep getting asked questions about what the plan is for delivery/labour, but find that there are just too many variable at this stage to really have a solid plan. Baby's parent's move down to stay a few minutes away from us once we hit 36weeks, so they won't miss anything! I think it'll feel very real once they're here. And until they arrive, I don't really have a plan for what would happen should I go into labour. </div>
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There will even be variables once bub's parents are here - it'll depend on what day of the week, what time of day, if it's spontaneous or induced, fast or extended, complicated or uncomplicated... too much to try and plan and organize around. So I have a very basic idea of what we'll do... and will just go with the flow when the time comes. </div>
EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-13465535167868441092014-02-15T01:46:00.000-08:002014-02-15T01:46:11.347-08:00Baby's face - growth scan <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I had a bit of an eventful week this week with all things pregnancy related. I was told at the 32wk appointment last friday that I was measuring too big, and that baby was laying transverse. They wanted me to get a scan (as well as more bloods and urine checks). So this friday (14th) I waddled on into the hospital for the growth scan. Sure enough baby-boy is measuring in a good 3-4wks ahead of his gestational age and sitting on the 95% percentile. Fluid levels were totally normal (they thought maybe it was just a lot of liquid in there!?), and all the organ development and placental blood flow was fine. (The photo above shows his nose/upper lips. He has the chubbiest cheeks already and had folded himself into a head down-bum up position with his feet in front of his nose! At least he's sitting better for a normal delivery now).<br />
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Both of my own children were large at delivery (9lbs, then 10lbs), so I must say I was curious when I went into this surrogacy journey to see if a baby not of mine/my husbands genetic material would compare.... and at this stage it's looking like maybe it's more about my oven then the genes!? lol<br />
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I've been cleared for Gestational Diabetes with all 3 pregnancies too, and have had 'concerning' high blood pressure levels (I honestly think it's more of a white-coat-syndrome thing then actual high blood pressure though as I get consistently normal readings at home) with all three as well - which is supposed to restrict blood flow and potentially cause growth restriction... so I'm not sure what's going on in there! I am a big girl, and I like my food - so maybe the babies just get extra doses of nutrition? I don't know if that's how it works if you don't have GD though? I'm still approx 1kg over the weight I was at embryo transfer too - so feeling good about that. I didn't need to gain any extra weight - and am hoping to maintain this until delivery... though I am SUPER hungry at the moment! And there's still a few weeks to go! lol<br />
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This photo was taken first thing Friday morning (33wks, 2days). It amazes me still that the photos don't even begin to show how HUGE I feel I am. My perspective is looking down at my belly though, and I've been unable to see anything beyond the bump for quite some time now. I was trying to explain what it feels like to be pregnant at this stage to my hubby earlier this evening. I want to try and remember as much of this as I can. It's a little like the feeling you might get if you've been to an 'all you can eat' restaurant, and you've seriously over eaten. Your belly feels bloated and hard and you're just generally uncomfortable to the point that even walking back to your car is exhausting. (I don't know how many of you will be able to identify with this - but our family were big fans of 'all you can eat' when I was a kid, so this is a vivid memory for me! lol)<br />
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But then you need to imagine your belly about 4 times larger then that with a very strong, wriggly human being inside of it that takes to shifting position at the strangest times and managing to press on places inside of your body that you didn't know you had (nor that you realised hurt so much!). Then - this extended belly of yours also takes to going rock hard whenever you get a bit stressed or try to walk further then 100m (or just because it wants to at 2am in the morning) which feels a little like you've suddenly become a human-vice. There is no 'give' in your bloated belly, so you can no longer bend over or reach things that are just next to you and hunching becomes an impossibility, and if you lay back too far or too flat you may feel like you can't breathe!<br />
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Yet at the same time - I do feel proud of this bump. This wriggly, inconvenient bump. And it blows my mind that a human is on his way to the world. <br />
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I also decided this week that it was time to book in a pregnancy massage. I had been a little reluctant to get one done earlier after a comment the accupunturist made back in the first trimester (that I shouldn't let my hubby massage my shoulders as the release of tension would make miscarriage more likely. Apparently this was just common sense biology!?). I will admit that I dismissed it as silly - but I still didn't let anyone massage me, just in case! lol<br />
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So I went back to my favourite alternative health centre and got a lovely hour long massage. I even got to use one of those crazy tables with the belly-cut out in them! I honestly think that if I suddenly found myself rich beyond belief, I would hire a full-time masseuse and get massages every day! I LOVE them!<br />
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I left feeling very relaxed and sleepy! But was quite sore over the next few days. It was totally worth it though!<br />
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So the latest on thing is that they want me on weekly check up appointments at the hospital to monitor my pesky blood pressure, and keep a close eye on pre-eclampsia (which is slightly more likely for me as this baby is different genetic material - considered the same as if this was a baby conceived to a new father), and to keep an eye on his growth. There was some talk of an 'early induction' if he continues to grow at this rate... but I will admit I'm very reluctant to be medically induced again. I think once I get to 36-37wks, I'll be trying all of the old wives tales to get labour started on its own. As much as I don't want an induction, I also don't want to go overdue like I have the last two times either... so it'll be an interesting couple of weeks ahead of us all I think!EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-51521448657229126882014-02-13T03:35:00.001-08:002014-02-13T03:35:39.650-08:00A new addition to our family <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My hubby and I had been discussing the prospect of adding a second dog to our family over the last few weeks after noticing how animated our dog would get around other dogs. We were both a little reluctant to take the plunge however, as even though we got really lucky with our current dog Oliver (who is great with kids, our guinea pigs and our birds, doesn't bark a lot, doesn't dig, and is very patient with us when we (or more specifically 'I') get too tired to take him for walks) - he was HARD WORK as a puppy!<br />
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But we decided it would be nice for him to have a friend... and so little Indi came home with us. She's abou 9wks old and of mysterious origins - we have no idea what her actual breed is. Her mum looks like a small German Shepherd, while her dad looks like a large Kelpie (but is apparently Rottie x border collie!?). So it will be really interesting to see what she grows into.<br />
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We got Oliver DNA tested a year or so ago to work out what his breed was, as he looks Beagle... but just not quite right. It turned out he was 75% Beagle (which meant one parent was purebred Beagle, one was Beagle x), and that he had 'Borzoi' 3-4 generations back (accounting for his slightly larger size and different shaped head).<br />
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So we will do the same thing for Indi... just to get a bit more of an understanding of the breeds that make up her ancestry. At this stage, 4-days into having her in our life she has proven to be a beautifully natured little thing. Very gentle, eager to learn and she absolutely idolises Oliver! (Oliver is still warming to the idea of a puppy sharing his space though... lol).<br />
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I will admit I had my reservations about adopting a puppy at 33wks pregnant... but so far I am not regretting anything. It's actually really lovely to have a baby-animal around again. When I sit on the floor with her she comes and squishes herself onto my lap and falls asleep. I figure she might as well enjoy that while she can because soon enough both she and I will be too big for such cuddles!<br />
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The kids have really taken to her as well. My daughter is more interactive and likes to 'boss' Indi around, while my son tends to just play on his own, and Indi seeks him out. Both kids have become rather interested in babies over the last few months too, so it has been really timely to have a 'baby' of our own for them to play with.<br />
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Ask me again in a few weeks if I'm still as content with the decision to bring home a puppy though... and we'll see if Indi's good-behaviour is here to stay!<br />
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<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-67854576019880727992014-02-05T01:08:00.003-08:002014-02-05T01:08:40.638-08:004 months of belly growth - 32wks today <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-84887833144946693072014-02-02T20:56:00.003-08:002014-02-02T20:56:41.137-08:00Unwanted <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I'm not really sure where to start with this post. Things are going along perfectly with the pregnancy, but I still seem to keep getting caught by surprise by the people around me. I honestly thought physically carrying this baby boy would be the hard bit... not the easy bit!<br />
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I was recently involved in a conversation about babies having an emotional memory of either being wanted or not wanted while growing in their mother's bellies. Apparently there is a theory that unborn babies can sense if their mother wants them or not - and that this emotional memory will carry through and influence the rest of their lives. I'm not sure if this is exactly what the conversation I was involved in was about - but <a href="http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/06/29/emotional-trauma-in-the-womb/">this article</a> is similar.<br />
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The feedback I was getting was that because this baby isn't mine, he'll know I 'dont want him' and also that because my extended family aren't connecting with him, he'll be wired for life feeling unwanted.<br />
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Firstly - I don't know what the point of the conversation was. It was a few days ago now, and I'm still baffled. I think it probably says a bit more about the other person's hangups surrounding surrogacy then about having a 'point' as such.<br />
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I fully believe that the emotions a woman feels while carrying a baby <b>can</b> influence the fetus as it develops - even if we look at it just on a chemical level. Cortisol levels increase when you experience stress, oxytocin levels increase when you're happy/feel pleasure. BUT - I think this is removed from 'feeling wanted', especially in a surrogacy situation.<br />
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Possibly, if a woman was to fall pregnant accidentally, and really didn't want to be pregnant - then she may experience a stressful pregnancy, and even parent her child differently once the baby was born. This may indeed have a very real impact on the resulting person. This is a stress reaction to a particular situation in which a new life is involved. But doesn't actually have anything to do with surrogacy.<br />
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Surrogacy is so very different.<br />
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A surrogate goes into a surrogacy journey because <i>she</i> wants to. She wants to be pregnant. She wants to help nurture the baby's life. She may not want the baby for herself, but that baby is willed into existance and VERY wanted by his family and everyone involved. A surrogacy is not accidental. It may be stressful at times - but no pregnant woman is able to avoid stress for the whole gestation period. That is just rediculous. Stress is a part of life.<br />
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I honestly believe that this little boy is experiencing a much more chilled out and happy enviroment in my belly then my son did 3 years ago. I have vivid memories of days spent trying to keep up with my very young daughter while my husband was at work 5-6 days a week and just feeling like I failed a little more each day. This time around the pregnancy was on <u>my terms</u>, it didn't 'just happen', we have a good daily family schedule, and the kids are that much older. My hubby is fantasticly supportive, I am able to rest when I need to and emotionally I don't feel like things are just simmering under the surface like they were back then. I'm not just 'surviving', I'm actually really enjoying life.<br />
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But why do I feel like I need to justify that?<br />
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I think the part that gets under my skin is this assumption that because I'm not 'bonding' with the baby or 'connected' to the baby or 'keeping' the baby - that somehow this baby is disadvantaged. That's what annoys me. This little boy has an amazing family just itching to meet him. And I'm not 'bonding' with him because he's not mine to bond with. I care about him, I encourage him to move and let me know he's ok each day (and tell him off when he's jabbing me in the bladder in the early hours of the morning). But the best way to describe the situation is the feeling you might have when holding a close friend's baby. You feel protective and instinctively love the little thing, but you don't have any desire to take him from his mum. Surrogacy is the same thing - only it's not a cuddle for half an hour, it's a 40wk baby-sitting service!<br />
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So, back to my life again now. Still 8 weeks to go until baby's due date - so lets see how many more interesting conversations I can have with people before then!<br />
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<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-34677805559132261762014-01-27T23:10:00.000-08:002014-01-27T23:10:00.483-08:0030 weeks <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So... not a lot to report this week. Things are ticking along just as they should. I had an OB appointment on friday. There were some questions over one of the results in my full blood count (abnormally high platelet levels apparently). But after a bit of stuffing around, and a second blood test the doctor called later that afternoon to report that everything was 'very very normal'.<br />
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Baby has been moving really well lately too. He's not able to do the really fast flickers and jabs, but when he does roll and push it's so strong. He seems to spend most of my waking hours stretched out as far as he can in there, pushing up under my ribs - then come bed time he tucks himself way down low in my pelvis. Very odd. But kind of cute! (almost like he's preparing for being rolled on in the night!).<br />
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I'm always so curious to know how big he might be at each stage - and found this really amazing photo through a google search of a bub born at 30wks (he was one of sextuplets though - so maybe slightly smaller than a single-baby at 30wks), but still, that's so cool. Apparently babies at 30weeks gestation have over a 98% chance of survival - which is such a dramatic improvement based on the odds for babies born just a few weeks earlier than this.<br />
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We definitely don't intend on having this little dude come out just yet though!<br />
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EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-55337849933871823102014-01-17T04:07:00.001-08:002014-01-17T04:12:12.614-08:00A big brother in waiting <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I purchased this maternity top months ago when my belly first started making it uncomfortable to fit into my regular clothes. Then I forgot I had it in my cupboard! Re-found it, and discovered that it fits quite well now... in fact if that belly gets too much bigger it may not fit at all! lol<br />
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We're now 29wks, and fast approaching the '30s'. I've been continuing to monitor my blood pressure at home, and it is consistently in the normal range - which is awesome. Means my body is handling this pregnancy better then it did with my son 3yrs ago. I have the OB check up next week, so we'll get the blood test and glucose challenge test results then.<br />
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Baby has been reasonably active again over the last few days after his little quieter period. I am wondering though if he's flipped back into breach position though. I am pretty hopeless at being able to tell what bits are what though - I just know I can feel something very solid in my belly that pushes back when I press on him! I'm getting a lot of quite painful jabs and knocks to my pelvis/bladder again though, so I'm assuming that means he's got his feet down there and I think it might be his head just near my belly button that I can feel as the 'hardness'. (Hubby tells me I shouldn't poke the baby there because I might poke him in the eye! I reply that there is a decent layer of fat, muscle, uterus and fluid between my hands and the baby, and that I think he'll be fine - they're more forceful when they do a bloody ultrasound!!)<br />
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It's crazy to look at this little diagram and see how far baby has come. From those first few weeks following the embyro transfer when he was too tiny to even detect on a scan... to now being a full formed, just slightly too small human being. There's a part of me that wants to will the next 10weeks away so that I can hand the baby over to his parents and have my body back. But then there's a part of me that knows how magical this last stage of pregnancy is, and how soon it will be over, and doesn't want the time to pass by too quickly.<br />
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I went into this surrogacy journey wanting to help a family out, but also wanting to experience a pregnancy again - and this baby has not disappointed. There's just so many questions I want answered now like any expectant woman would... how long is labour going to be? What will the baby look like? How big will he be? When will I go into labour? And of course the questions more specific to this situation... what will the days and weeks following delivery be like for me? Will I get that hormonal surge that all the baby books talk about and become a weeping mess!? Will I be in pain for a long time after birth without the distraction of a new baby to care for? Will I recover more quickly not having to get up for night feeds? Will I feel weird catching up with the babies family those first few times after we leave the hospital? Or will it feel like the most natural thing?<br />
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I am genuinely curious as to how all of these situations will play out, and what my reactions will be.<br />
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We caught up with IM, her mum and her little boy during the week (- Babies mum, grandma and big brother). My mum, little sister and grandma were able to meet them as well - which I think was a very important step. It upgrades the 'concept' of a family for the baby in my tummy to actual people. We had a lovely lunch at the same place we'd met for our <a href="http://aussiesurrogatejourney.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/meeting-intended-parents.html">very first meeting</a> back at the very start of this surrogacy process. It was quite poetic to reflect on all that had happened/changed over the year, and how much IM's little boy had grown and matured.<br />
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He sat opposite me at lunch and kept looking over at me and saying 'baby'. He made it quite clear that even though he's only just turned 2yrs old, he knows what's going on, and that the big bump under my shirt contained a baby for him. I was genuinely surprised by how well he grasped the concept and got a bit teary while holding him and talking about his little brother coming (but had to contain myself as photos were being taken!)<br />
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It blows my mind to think about how much his little world is going to chance in just a few short weeks. He'll never remember a time when it was just him. It'll always be him and his little brother. Out to conquer the world!<br />
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<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-7126505562134834082014-01-08T00:50:00.000-08:002014-01-08T00:50:21.563-08:0028 week belly progress pic<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So... we're 28wks today. Twenty-Eight-Weeks! I was feeling quite frumpy today. My blue-flower dress has been worn so many times now the elastic is starting to go around the neckline and I kind of feel like a walking floral blimp when wearing it! But it is good for getting these progress shots.<br />
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I'm now back to the weight I was at embyro transfer, after loosing a few kgs during those weeks of morning sickness. I had hoped to NOT put on any weight this pregnancy because I really don't need to... but with a constant craving for orange juice and milky chai lattes... it's not really a surprise!<br />
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Had to do the glucose tolerance test this morning (fast for 12hrs, go to the blood collection centre, get some bloods taken, drink a bottle of super sweet flavourless liquid. Sit there for an hour. Have more blood taken. Sit for another hour. Have yet more blood taken. Then go home. Lots of fun!). This test will let us know if I've developed gestational diabetes, and the bloods look at my iron levels and other relevant things my GP decided to check out! He wants me to see the OB at the hospital next fortnight as my blood pressure was a little high at his appointment (despite being a perfect 125/70 at the hospital check up last week), so we'll see what happens from there.<br />
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These are the last 3 belly-progress photos for compariosn.<br />
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<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5149924869704806555.post-19321173817163199002014-01-05T16:51:00.001-08:002014-02-15T02:06:27.746-08:00Baby Goo <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I was attempting to get to sleep last night, when out of no where I suddenly remember that in order to get this baby boy OUT of me - I'm going to have to give birth!<br />
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I honestly think I'd managed to shut down that part of the process in my mind since my<a href="http://aussiesurrogatejourney.blogspot.com.au/2013/10/just-update-14wks-already.html"> last post </a>about birth anxieties back at the start of the pregnancy. Up until this point I think my attitude had become a little like 'oh, the birth is AGES away still, nothing to stress about yet'. But - if I do deliver a little earlier than the due date (as all of my dreams have been telling me I will), labour might only be another 8 weeks away.<br />
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Which is REALLY SOON! lol<br />
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So, after a little quiet freak out in bed, stressing about not remembering what I'll need to pack in a hospital bag, what I'll wear for delivery (I don't think I'll be going naked this time! lol), how I'll cope with possibly doing contractions in the car on the way to hospital (something I've never had to do before!), what would happen if baby comes even faster then my son's 3.5-4hr labour, what if we don't get to hospital in time, what if I get baby-goo all through the IPs car, what if I bleed after delivery again and we're not at the hospital....<br />
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You know, just your basic labour-freak out thoughts.<br />
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So I got up. Got a drink of water and peed for the 100th time that day. Put the aircon on, and went back to bed determined NOT to think about birth right then. Which surprisingly worked. But I resoloved to start looking into what I'll need for a hospital bag today. I think physically doing something constructive like that will help.<br />
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I'm actually surprised at myself that the 'hospital bag' has become such a huge focus. I didn't even think about it with my first until I was about 37wks pregnant. And with my second I don't even remember packing one... but I must have! Maybe it was because the focus was on what I'd need for the baby the last two times, whereas this time I'm only packing for myself?<br />
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Or maybe it's just less confronting to focus on the hospital bag rather then the impending pain and uncertainty of delivery?<br />
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It may also be in part due to the fact that I made a quick visit to the birth suites earlier this week after noticing that baby hadn't been moving as much as usual. While waiting for the midwives to come and take me through for monitoring, another young couple were also waiting and she was most definitely in early labour. There really is nothing quite as confronting as watching someone else experience the same pain that you too will be feeling in a matter of weeks/months.<br />
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(They checked baby and he was perfect. They think that he may have finally moved position to be laying head down, bum up now, which is why the patterns of movement have changed. I'm definitely not getting the same 'storms' of kicking that I was previously, but he's still letting me know he's there!).<br />
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So, I don't really have any resolutions for this post. Mainly because there can't be any just yet. But I am going to have to start preparing myself psychologically for this birth rather then pushing it aside. It is going to hurt. It will be messy. But I know my body can do it.<br />
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And in parting I will leave you with a quote from one of my hubby's favourites movies... 'oh yes, there will be blood!'.<br />
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<br />EmmasBearshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17437771378129174982noreply@blogger.com0