Unwell baby boy

Poor little Zander ended up in the hospital this week. He's still there, and is likely to be there for at least another week yet. He has RSV, a respiratory virus that is making it very hard for him to breathe/eat. His poor parents are beside themselves, and his mum is torn between needing to be in hospital with him and needing to be there for her 2yr old as well.

He's been tested for whooping cough, and that has come back negative. So that's one positive at least. The doctors are a little concerned by how long it is taking his body to fight the virus, and there has been talk of needing to go to ICU if things get any worse - but for now he seems stable.

I can only imagine what this must be like for his family. Having such a young baby so sick. Even just getting to the point where you realise you need to take your baby back to the hospital because things have gotten that bad... I can imagine, but I've never been there so I don't really *know*. It's a strange position for a surrogate, and not something I thought about as a possible scenario post-surrogacy journey. How would I feel if my surro bub got seriously ill?

There's physically nothing I can do for him. I toyed with the idea of asking if his parents wanted me to courier some expressed milk up there for him to try and help with his immune system, but I stopped pumping a few days ago and have gone from getting 80mls a session to 8mls. My body has finished its task now, and is letting me know. I still feel this inexplicable need to 'help' in some way though. I don't know if I've just become addicted to helping, or if it's because he was born from my body? I honestly don't know how I would feel if this was a friend's baby in this position... I assume I would feel much the same in my desire to want to do something to assist?

But as my thoughts just go around and around, I come back to the same conclusion - there is nothing I can do. He is with his mum and dad and they are doing everything for him. He's getting the best medical care and monitoring, and literally all we can do now is wait and give his little body time to heal itself.

What's it like?

Throughout this whole surrogacy journey there was always one question that I couldn't answer - what would it be like after the baby is born?

I've lived the immediate version of this; the push-baby-out-and-hand-him-over bit. And that was totally fine, a relief really. 

I've lived the recovery-period version of this; the go-home-and-lick-my-wounds/hug-my-kids-and-be-thankful-to-be-unpregnant bit. And while that was pretty intense and emotional for me, it was survivable. Once the hormones died down and my hemoglobin levels increased, once I had a few full nights of sleep and got to see everyone loving on that baby - I felt great. I got that 'surro high' that the surrogate support group talk about. I had been an integral part of giving life to that little baby and I was damn proud of myself. 

I've even lived the good-bye version of this; the 'see-you-at-some-unspecified-time-in-the-future-when-baby-will-be-so-much-more-grown-up bit. And this was ok too. It felt a little anticlimactic actually. I don't know what I was expecting from myself, but it literally was just a hug and a 'see you later' and then back to my life. 

So what's it like now, one month post delivery? 

It actually feels surreal. It feels like it happened to someone else. Even my memories of the birth and the pain and the days in hospital have faded and blurred a little already. I find myself thinking 'birth isn't THAT painful!'... it must be some kind of motherhood-induced anmesia that helps ensure the population continues to grow! 

It's not quite like it happened to someone else, but maybe more like it happened to me many years ago. Not one month ago. I still have no feelings of claim or possessiveness towards Zander at all - which has surprised me a little. I thought I'd feel something at some stage, but no. I am completely non-clucky. I can appreciate photos of babies, and don't mind holding them, but there's none of that 'must protect and nuture' instinct that happened with my own kids. 

I kind of feel like more should have happened emotionally, and like I'm still waiting for that to hit me. I think the worst bit is the continuation of that feeling of not having any significant importance in this 'story' anymore. I've been made redundant, and that's probably going to be the emotion/feeling that hangs on for the longest I'd say. And one I didn't foresee being so significant. 

All in a week.

This week has been a rather mixed bag of emotions.

On Sunday Zander's parents put on a BBQ and invited myself, hubby and our two kids, Zander's egg donor, her hubby and four kids, my mum, step-dad, youngest brother and sister and my grandmother. It was a full afternoon of gorgeousness. We'd never had everyone together in the same space before, but it was so comfortable and natural and everyone got on beautifully. The kids played, Zander's mum did an easter egg hunt, his dad cooked the steak and we enjoyed the beautiful weather.

I got to hold Zander for the first 20mins or so as people arrived. He fell asleep in my arms and snuggled in like a little koala. It was so nice to have that time with him. I wondered if I'd feel strange watching everyone at the BBQ hold him, but I honestly didn't. I handed him over to my mum when she arrived, and she got her first cuddle. Then he went to his egg-donor's hubby for a cuddle, then got held by her kids, then fed his bottle by his egg donor, then cuddles with my daughter, cuddles with my little sister and finally cuddles with my grandmother as well!!

I actually think that it was incredibly important for my family to have been there for the BBQ. They watched my belly grow... and then all of a sudden it was gone and the baby was with his parents. That afternoon gave them a chance to interact with his parents, hold the baby and see first hand how much he meant to his mum and dad. Something I could have talked about until I was blue in the face, but still wouldn't have had the same impact as actually being there.

(my daughter holding Zander after his nappy change)

 (My youngest sister having her cuddles with bub)

(My grandmother and Zander)

On Monday I had a doctors appointment to check my hemoglobin levels again (my lowest reading was 76 in hospital the day after Zander was born. They'd hit 78 by the saturday we left hospital, and on Monday they were up to 97! Slowly getting there! {the normal range is 115-160}). I met up with my student midwife for the appointment and we popped in to visit Zander and his parents briefly as well. 

It was actually really theraputic to be able to talk through the birth and all the associated drama with my student midwife. I think it was especially important to get her validation of how well I'd handled the labour, how well my body had done getting Zander out safely, but also how serious things had become following the retained placenta drama. She spoke about watching the bed get wheeled out of the room and noticing that I'd gone into shock and not knowing if she should stay with the baby or go with me. The conversation gave me the space to revisit some of the emotions I was still holding onto from the birth, and allowed me to process through them over the course of the next few days. 

On Tuesday baby's parents popped over briefly to drop in some groceries that they couldn't take back home with them, and to say our goodbyes before they flew home the next day. I didn't want a big deal made out of the goodbye, and I don't think they did either. So we kept it short and sweet. 

(Zander and his big brother leaving our place on Tuesday)

On Wednesday Zander's dad drove their car and all their belongings the 1000km+ back home, and Zander's mum, brother and grandma flew home. I kept busy with household chores, but still felt a little melancholy that the time with them living so close and being so accessable had come to an end. We would still be catching up on facebook and through txt messages each day though, so it was by no means 'THE END'! I think I was just feeling a little dramatic that day. 

On Thursday an article I had written about the surrogacy process was published on the online media page 'Mamamia'. This was huge, and I got a lot of messages of support and lots of positive feedback. I had been bracing myself for some negativity/trolls (there's usually always SOMEONE), but the overwhelming response was amazing. I was plesantly surprised, and feeling quite chuffed. 

So all in all, it was a full week, but a positive one. Zander is home with his family (his mum sent me these photos recently. It looks so lovely up there. And now we continue on with our lives as we wait for a court date to complete the parentage order. I'm really looking forward to watching Zander change through the photos his mum sends me... and hanging out for that first smile captured on camera!

1 week post birth

It's been one week since the big day. Zander is doing really well, and I am getting photos from his parents each day. We had our final counselling session to complete the legal requirements for the surrogacy process yesterday. I will admit I was a little anxious about it. The pre-surrogacy counselling was pretty intense so I was expecting much the same. I was worried that I would burst into tears/not be able to control my emotions, and it would be misunderstood as regret. But I did really well - no tears.

My trigger topics at present seem to be when anyone says how amazing the process is/being a surrogate is, or when they ask about my kids. Obviously these things were touched on during the counselling, and I did feel myself getting a little emotional - but maintained control. If I'm honest, I'm quite proud of myself considering I'm only a week post-birth!

I'm feeling a lot better with the dizziness/wooziness when I'm walking around too. I've either adjusted to a lower blood level or my body has replenished enough to get me across the line of feeling normal again. I definitely don't have the stamina I did pre-pregnancy when I was walking 10km treks with the dog, but I'm sure I'll get there again in time.

I'm also amazed by the changes in my body. My belly is by no means 'flat' (it never has been!), but i just feels so little at the moment in comparison to the last few months! I'm enjoying being able to wear my old clothes again, being able to bend over and lay on my belly to sleep.

I honestly have no regrets, and feel like people expect me to be more upset, or to be pining for Zander. But this just isn't the case, and it has kind of put me in an odd mind-set over the last few days as I've been interacting with people and getting these kind of responses, feeling like I need to justify or explain myself. I knew I'd be ok to hand the surro bub over at the end of the pregnancy - I wouldn't have volunteered for this process if I had any doubts. It's really quite black and white in my mind: he's just not my baby! Simple as that. I could no longer take him from his family then I could take my friend's newborn or my cousin's newborn. I have no claim to him in my mind, even though legally in Australia I do. The legal stuff is just a formality. He is with his family.

I look at all of these gorgeous photos of him and just feel proud. I wondered if it would be similar to how I feel about my neice, or my friend's kids, or even maybe what a grandma might feel - but I think it's different still. I mostly just feel really proud of my body for growing him so well, and delivering him safely. I can't take any credit for his genetics, but feel like those chubby cheeks and squishy thighs are thanks to me. I enjoy watching his mum and dad feed him and change him and hold him while he sleeps - but I honestly don't have any major desire to hold him myself.

I kind of feel like my job is done now, and it's time for me to step back. Which is probably the only thing that makes me feel a little sad. For so long my life has been focused on this huge event, and now it's happened. I don't have anything else that I need to do here, and for someone who likes to always be busy... this is a strange feeling. It's like having to re-adjust into my own life again!