A reflection on 2013

At the beginning of this month it occurred to me that it had been exactly a year since I'd set out to learn more about being a surrogate. And here I was 3/4 of the way through a surrogate pregnancy!

If someone had told me this time last December that I'd spend the next Christmas/New Year period 6-7 months pregnant with a surrogate baby, I honestly don't know if I would have believed them! I would have been pretty chuffed and excited, but I didn't expect things to happen as quickly and simply as they did. Everything that I'd read suggested that the process could take years. And I think heading into a journey like this, especially for the parents of baby, there is no set timeline so it does feel like an expanse of unknown.

How long will it take to find a surrogate, or an egg donor? How long will it take to go through counselling and the legal paperwork? How long until the first embryo transfer can get underway? How long until we know if the pregnancy has taken? How long until you can try again? How far into a pregnancy do you wait before you relax?

And then all of a sudden you have a due date. A baby is on the way. A very real, very tangible little human being.

(Christmas Eve @ 26wks) 

Someone who wouldn't have existed if so many situations and circumstances hadn't come about first. It's hard not to try and put too much 'greater meaning' on things like this... but it really does feel like a giant mix of magic, luck and fate!

I wonder how different my year would have looked if I hadn't decided to seriously research surrogacy last December? Certain people would probably still be in my life, but certain people wouldn't. I would no doubt be making all manner of inane New Years resolutions right now. I'd probably be wishing to loose weight (while finishing off the Christmas mince pies, boxes of chocolates and wine!), resolving to walk the dog more frequently, planning a family holiday for 2014, considering a move to a more rural location to bring up the kids, and most probably lamenting the fact that I didn't feel like I'd achieved anything of worth this year.

But things ARE different this year. I feel like I've spent my time well. That I am doing something of worth. It's not going to solve any world crisis, but it will make the world of difference to a mum, and a dad, and a little boy and their whole extended family/friendship network.

So I don't think I'll worry about resolutions for 2014! This journey isn't over yet - in fact the best is still to come. Bring on 2014. Bring on the birth of this little man. Bring on being able to see him in the arms of his family. Bring on watching him grow up.

And maybe then I'll set about about loosing that weight.

And walking the dog!

Struggling

The worst part of this process has always been how those around me handle surrogacy (as you may have discovered if you've been reading my rants for a while now. I will apologize in advance, as I will no doubt be going over some of the same old bugbears here). As soon as I had nutted out what the process would look like as a surrogate in Australia, I had my head around it. I knew I could do it.

I knew my marriage and my kids would be fine - in fact, I actually think things are better. My hubby has been just wonderful. He's seen me through two pregnancies that were 'his fault', so understands the toll it takes on my body and is able to be supportive in practical ways (like getting up at the crack of dawn to see to our almost-3yr old so I can sleep an extra 30mins), but is also so much more relaxed this time knowing that he doesn't have to prepare for an extra family member.

My 4.5yr old has become baby obsessed, and asks a million questions about what they do, what they eat, how big they are, what do they sound like etc, - so we google videos of newborns crying, or breast feeding, or taking a bottle, or being dressed, and you can see her brain taking it all in. She understands that this is not our baby, that we're helping another family to do something they couldn't do on their own. She also tells me that she doesn't want to have babies in her belly when she's older, to which I explain that it's totally her choice. She says instead that she will marry her best friend from Preschool, and her friend will have their babies!

I'm actually really proud of how open minded and flexible she is with the whole concept. That babies don't just come from a mum and dad - that some people have to find other ways to have babies. She's also learnt that not all families choose to have kids. That some kids live with their grand parents or aunties or uncles instead of their mums and dads. That there are many different versions of 'family, and the importance of the role of 'mum', no matter who is playing it'. I don't know if we would have had all of these discussions at this stage in her life had I not chosen to head down the surrogacy path.

What I am struggling with right now is how invisible I seem to have become in my social network. It's hard to describe really - because I'm obviously still acknowleged, but the pregnancy (you know, that massive beachball tucked down my dress) isn't. It feels like the more obvious it becomes, the more people avoid mentioning it. Like if they can just get through the next few months it'll all be over and they can really pretend it never happened. I think I would have fallen over backwards if someone had said 'hey Em, how's the pregnancy going?' or 'Are you getting much movement from the baby?' or 'The baby's parents must be getting excited now' etc. But no. The most I got was 'good luck with things', and 'It's a bit hot today hey'.

Those who did make mention of things had their own agendas, ie to talk about how the adoption laws had changed which was so good, because it meant people wouldn't need to bother about bringing new babies into the world via surrogacy any more - they could just adopt all of the world's orphaned children.

There was SO many things that annoyed me about that flippant statement ( I did feel myself fire up a bit, but pulled it back for the sake of our relationship and Christmas gathering!). I'm obviously happy that it sounds like the Australia adoption laws are changing for the better - it's seriously about time - but until it's looked into it in greater depth, there's no way to know exactly what that will mean for people wanting a child. There is no doubt still going to be a truck load of red-tape and logistical hoops to jump through, and it will still be reliant on the laws surrounding the birth country of the oprhaned children - Australia has no control over that. Potential parents will be excluded for all manner of reasons - age, financial capacity, religion, marital status, health, situation etc, just as they are now.

Yet if you find yourself in the lucky percentage of people who can fall into bed with your partner, then do a positive pregnancy test a few weeks later - what gives you any more right to be a parent? Where are the reproductive nazi's with their 'you should just adopt' attitudes then? No one would dare say that to you. It's your RIGHT to be able to have your own child.

Adoption is not going to be 'the' option for every couple struggling with infertility. Just as surrogacy won't be for everyone. But while I totally understand that, I didn't enjoy the inference that surrogacy is something seedy and morally wrong. That if people have 'better' options, they should do that instead. I think what the vast majority of people don't realise (especially those who've never faced infertility), is that surrogacy is NOT the first point of call for a couple needing reproductive help. It's a place you come to way down the line of options, after you've explored everything else. And as such, it's usually the last resort.

I feel so proud of my body for being able to assist another family. It's doing exactly what it needs to to protect and nurture this little baby boy. It's something I'm so happy about, that I'm excited about and WANT to talk about. It's a huge part of my life right now. Yet I feel like I'm being silenced and sensored. Like others are unable to experience the joy with me, for their own reasons. And that's the biggest, most persistant confusion for me - why can't they feel the joy too? Is it fear? Fear that they'll get attached to the idea of a baby that they won't have any claim to? Or just because they don't understand their own emotions?

I never expected this to be such a big deal for those in my life. I honestly thought it was beautifully clear cut - the baby is not genetically related to me, never was mine, never will be, and is so very longed for and loved already by his parents and their extended family. What is there to be confused about people!!?

Belly experiment

I don't think it's a unique phenomenon, but I have been noticing that my belly sits differently at the end of the day to how it looked like at the start. So I decided to do a little photo comparison last friday at 25wks, 2 days. 

This was nearly first thing in the morning. Around about 7am. Before eating breaky. 

This was lunch time, roughly 12-1pm ish. Before eating lunch.

And this was late afternoon, roughly 5-6pm. Before cooking dinner. I think I can see the biggest change between morning and lunch. I wonder if that's baby changing position over the course of the day as I walk around? Or bloating? Or fluid retention? (not that I have any swelling yet...??). I have no idea! It's a curious thing though.

This photo below is me at 35weeks pregnant with my son 3yrs ago. Wearing the same red singlet. I was probably 5kg lighter then too - so I wonder if the weight difference accounts for the belly size? I think the belly looks bigger NOW at 25wks then it did there at 35wks!

(I also got my first stretch mark for this pregnancy this week as well! I didn't get any with my daughter, only got a few with my son between 40wks and 41wks... and wasn't expecting any this time around! Ah... the mysteries of pregnancy hey!).

Something just for my surro bub

A few weeks ago I was dyeing up some rainbow mohair fur fabric for our teddy bear supplies store and posting the progress photos to our business facebook page when IM commented that she'd love something like that for the baby... maybe as a rug or something. We nutted out what would be most practical though - and seeing as mohair is notoriously scratchy and not a great fabric choice for newborn skin, we decided to see what a cot sheet set would look like dyed up rainbow-style.

So I tracked down some plain white cotton cot-sheets, and set about dyeing it up like I do with the mohair. The dyes I use are made from natural minerals and we buy them in bulk tubs from a supplier local to brisbane. The problem with them is they give incredibly inconsistent results depending on the material being dyed! lol. Even using mohair fur (which is a natural goat-hair fibre pile on a cotton backing) we get some pieces that wash out with the same intensity as they were when painted, and some that loose nearly all the colour! I've learnt that letting the fabric set in the heat of the sun really helps. So we choose a nice hot QLD summer day to do this batch of rainbow dyeing.

IM had commented that she really liked the diagonal rainbow effect I'd done on one of the earlier pieces of mohair - so we decided to stick with that patterning. We make up little pots of concentrated pastes of each of the colours, wet the sheet, wring it out, lay it flat on newspaper (to absorb excess moisture and prevent the dye from bleeding through the colours stripes) and start painting it on.

It takes a little while - but the effect is so pretty. I was really hopefull that the colours would keep their vibrancy. We laid the sheet out in the sun for a few hours while I painted up the tiny pillow case included in the cot set, and the fitted sheet which was a whole other ball game! (Because of the elastic around the edges of the fitted sheet we couldn't lay it flat for rainbow stripes, so we did a 'splotch' rainbow effect instead which looked a bit like a painting my kids might have done at kindy! lol).

Traditionally I've always rinsed my dyed mohair pieces off outside on the lawn using the hose. But because this is going to be used for a baby, I decided to thoroughly wash it using a sensitive laundry liquid in the washing machine. This was probably the main reason the colours ended up so much softer... but I will admit it did grow on me. Probably a little more 'newborn' suitable!

I even managed to fold it all back up and pop it back in the original packaging too! That was a proud moment! lol. (though obviously not quite as neat as it was when I purchased it!)

We posted the cot sheet set off with the rest of the christmas presents for our IPs and their little boy last week. I'm kind of hoping it has arrived already... or I will have spoilt the surprise with this blog post!

I really enjoyed making this. It was something a bit different for me, and I had visions of surro baby in a few years time taking his unique cot sheets to his kindy/day care and being able to say that his 'tummy mummy' made them for him before he was even born. My kids (4yrs and nearly 3yrs) are VERY into hearing about stories from when they were in my belly, or from when they were new babies and learning about where their most cherished toys and blankets came from.

My daughter recently found two of her baby dolls we'd bought for her on her first christmas (they were 'lost' in the toy box in her room). Four years have passed and the original outfits have long since disappeared into the black-hole of her room... but these two little dolls are now her most cherished toys. The photo above shows them fresh and new back on Christmas day 2009. The photo below was taken about 10mins ago while she has her nap. On the floor. Next to her beloved babies! lol.

It has actually been something that has caught me by surprise a little - how much the story behind an object/toy means to kids. I feel a little silly that this has been something I didn't 'get' before now. But it does makes sense - time is so relative when you've only lived a few years, and don't even remember a lot of your life.. so anything that someone can tell you about what you liked/did/saw/played with etc as a 'baby' is so exciting. Like learning about who you are.

Even more important is a kid's 'story of origin'. While my two are still a little hazy on the whole 'coming from mum's tummy' thing (my daughter likes to check every now and then that she came first, then her brother, and that they weren't both in there at the same time?'), they grasp the basic concept of 'baby comes from belly, is born, then grows up'. They don't have to think too much about it because it's no different to anyone else they know.

I wonder how different that is for a child born to surrogacy and/or egg donation? If their story is told from the very first memories ... I wonder if it's accepted as easily? I've always assumed it would be, but then I've never had to reconcile a story like this myself, or for my own kids. And I didn't anticipate how important these 'origin/babyhood' stories would be for my kids. I think this is also why it felt so right for me to make something unique for this little boy wriggling around in my belly. Something that he can keep, that is a physical object to help represent HIS story of origin and the circumstances that makes HIM so special.

I just have to hope that the pastel rainbows don't completely wash out over the next few years now! lol

24 week belly shot

The promised 24wk belly shot. It actually doesn't look that different to the 20wk one now that I can compare them... But I do feel a lot bigger. I think baby's position makes a big difference too. On monday I felt like I should have been more like 8months along then 6months along! It felt like my uterus was up under my ribs already - even my mum commented that my 'uterus looked very large' lol.  But overnight he's shifted again and movements are again happening down low in my pelvis - so he's probably head up, legs down again. He does seem to like to be the right-way-up! lol. I'm not too worried about that yet. He has a long time to sort his position out yet.

(For comparison sake - this was my first pregnancy 5years ago with my daughter, and I was 23wks pregnant here. This is better then how I look non-pregnant now adays! lol)

(and this is about 3.5yrs ago, my second pregnancy with my son at 24wks. Pretty similar to this one actually, but maybe sitting a bit lower? I think my son spent more of his time head down/bum up though... which may be the difference?)

Week 22 and the acrobatics

This little baby is a mover! I doubt very much this this will be the last time I say that too! He just does not stop. And the rare moments when I think 'oh, he's been a bit quiet', will usually be very short-lived. I've learnt that all I have to do is lay down flat on the couch and wait for about a minute. Something about being flat on my back must either wake him up or restrict his space so that he starts to push against the sides of my uterus. I don't know what it is - but it's a surefire way to check he's ok.

He's so strong now, that he's able to make himself visible on the outside of my belly already too. And if you place your hand in the right spot, you can feel him on the outside of my belly as well. I was just laying down for a rest earlier, and he was kicking up a storm. My 4yr old was able to feel some of his flickery kicks. She was mildly amused! lol

I had been feeling like my energy levels were doing better at the start of this week. And a little while earlier I'd rolled over in bed and heard a 'click' noise, and felt my hip pop back in (it has been significantly less painful since then too). But for the last few days I've really hit a wall at about 3pm and then again at about 8pm, heading to bed around about then. I was telling baby's mum that I feel like a nanna!

So all in all things have been going pretty well. I'm feeling quite on top of things with the housework, our business, the kids and organising christmas. (I actually didn't know if I should buy something for my IPs for baby for Christmas, or just something for their little 2yr old... but I decided to buy for both of them. It's so cute too. Something that I would have wanted to buy for my own kids when they were newborns (if I'd seen this in the catalogue), but wouldn't have ever justified! Especially for the second child! It was hand-me-downs all the way for my youngest! lol

I do remember reading another Surrogate's story at the start of the year, talking about her struggles with going shopping and wanting to buy baby clothes, but not feeling like she was able to. I must say that I haven't really had that yet - I walk past the baby section and look at it more as 'what might be a cute outfit for a collectable teddy bear I'm making', rather than wanting to purchase clothes for the baby. There is definitely a sense of relief there that I don't have to organise a newborn's wardrobe, nursery furniture, prams, slings, rockers and baby swings... this is a very relaxed way to bring a baby into the world. All of the logistical side with clothing and furniture is left to someone else! We've actually found ourselves selling off our old cot and change table as our youngest no longer needs them!

A very bizarre situation indeed!

Another week and a half and I'll do another belly update. I almost did one today - I feel HUGE - but I'd say that's more about eating a massive lunch with my family then having a huge baby in there!

Symptoms at 20weeks

We have our next hospital appointment tomorrow. IM is flying down again (poor thing has clocked up a lot of km in the last week) to attend with me, so that we can try and avoid the situation that happened at the last hospital appointment.

I actually think that this will be the last appointment there for a while - provided everything looks good tomorrow. And that from now on I can just go to my normal GP who is 5min down the road, and surprisingly very supportive and 'on my side' with all things surrogacy. This is called 'GP Shared Care', and is what I managed to do with my first pregnancy, and tried to do with my second before everyone started stressing that he wasn't growing properly... (being born at 10lb kind of blew that theory out of the water though!).

This pregnancy feels pretty easy at the moment. The worst symptoms I have to report are a bit of hip pain (I'm thinking Pelvic Girdle Pain) that radiates down the right side of my lower back/buttocks, and is worse at night. Especially if I've gone to bed, laid down for a while, then have to hoist myself back up again to see to the kids. Walking in heals probably doesn't help either! lol Nor carrying my 2.5yr old who weighs the same as an average 5yr old... but I must say keeping active and moving through the pain helps. When I stop and try to rest it, it seems to seize up more. Will have to try and remember to talk to the doctor tomorrow about that...

Also getting a little intermittent heart burn still. Not every day yet... that will come soon I'm sure! But just periodically, usually in the afternoons/evenings again. Heart burn is one of those things thats nasty when it's happening to you, but when it's not you're kind of like 'oh, what's all the fuss about!

Oh - and the kicking! For all my stressing about him not moving enough in the last few weeks, he's making up for it now. Lots of rhythmical, repeditive shoves from the inside. Still most of them down low in my pelvis like he's aiming for my bladder, or up under my belly button. They seem to be the target spots. Either that, or those spots are where I have the most pressure receptors? My hubby fell asleep with his arm draped over my lower belly/hips the other night, and baby went CRAZY trying to kick him off! He definitely seems to be quite sensitive to external stimulus as he didn't really like the poking and probing of the ultrasound last week either.

I was actually thinking this morning how proud I am of my body in getting us this far. I think it's kind of easy to take the absolute miracle of pregnancy for granted, especially when you're just going through the normal day to day tasks of life and forgetting at times that there is a little passenger in there... but seriously - growing another human being is magic. Normally you can take some genetic credit for the strength/wriggliness/above average growth of your baby, but in this situation the baby is not related to me at all. So all I can take credit for is that my body has nurtured him, let him implant, sustained him, fed him and protected him. My kidneys filter out his waste, my blood supplies his placenta and the water I drink helps to keep him floating in his amniotic fluid... the human body is bloody amazing.

Belly shot - 20 weeks

Well... I must say I don't look as big here as I feel! :P But there has definitely been some growth since the 16wk photo (below).

Half Way

We had the 20wk scan yesterday.

We're half-way.

Wow. Where did 5 months go!?

Baby was SUPER wriggly. I always assumed that they told this to every parent getting a scan done. Kind of like an excuse for getting blurry images?! But everyone in the room could see what this cheeky little baby boy was doing. The poor sonographer would line up an image, and he'd just slip away. I'd feel a little flurry of activity on the far side of my uterus, and the image would be gone.

We did get to see everything important (including genitals to confirm that he is really a he!). And the measurements taken seem to show that he's going to be a big boy. He is measuring 1-2wks ahead for everything! His head is in the highest percentile... probably NOT what a woman facing the prospect of pushing him out of her vagina in another 5months wants to hear though!

But I am so glad he's healthy and thriving in there. I had been quite worried that I wasn't feeling his movements more consistently, but he has made up for that over the last few days. Last night it was like he was trying to tell me how annoyed he was about the ultrasound. He didn't stop dancing in there, even after I went to bed.

IM flew down to be there for the scan as well, which was really lovely. And I took my 4yr old daughter with me. She was enthusiastic for the first 10mins or so, but as the scan dragged on (nearly 1.5hrs later), she was over it.

I will take a belly shot tomorrow morning - you should see how much I've popped out in the last 4 weeks. It's so exciting to watch my body change to accomodate this little man. I'm doing my best to savour everything about this pregnancy...and to get what I wanted out of the experience :)

Sleep

My belly is big enough now to make sleeping directly on my stomach uncomfortable. Which has always been a mild annoyance to me when pregnant as I'm a belly-sleeper from way back! But with my first pregnancy, this was fine - I would just sleep a little longer in the morning to make up for any broken sleep.

My sleep is also interrupted at least three times during the night JUST to pee (and it's always like there was a waterfall in there waiting to come out! Seriously... how can I make so much pee in such a short period of time!!!). Again, with my first pregnancy this was actually kind of cool. It was like a constant reminder that I was finally PREGNANT! Plus, I could just sleep a little longer in the morning to make up for it...

However this week, my kids have joined the 'lets stop mum from getting any kind of reasonable sleep' campaign. Granted they've both had head colds complete with tracks runny green snot and coughs. But they can't wake and demand my attention at the same time. They need to take it in turns over a period of about 3-4hrs. Then, just as I've managed to get some actual sleep, the sun will come up and my 2.5yr old will decide that 5am is a brilliant time to start the day!

So there's no more 'extra morning sleep' now. Those few hours between bedtime and sunrise are so precious!!!

For those pregnant mum's out there with a handful of kids already in their care - I salute you! ;)

Booking In

I had the 'booking in' appointment at the hospital yesterday. Appointment was one of the first in the morning, but I was still there past lunch time! I assumed that would be the case though - I even took a big fat book with me. But I didn't get a chance to even finish the first chapter. Nearly all of that time was spent with the staff!

From what I understand - reading between the lines - this will be the first surrogacy case this particular hospital has encounted. Which is fine. They've been very accepting and open with me so far. But I did feel a little put out when the team leader was reluctant to even write 'surrogate' on my file in case too many people saw it. She actually voiced her concern about having the situation talked about multiple times while I was with her.... it was something I had honestly not even considered!

Because this hospital is a teaching hospital, there are student midwives that occasionally sit in on appointments as well. It was decided that the student who came in to yesterday's appointment would be the only one I'd see throughout the pregnancy; 'continued care' I think it was called. This is great - it'll be awesome to have someone consistent throughout the whole process. But the way it was 'sold' to me as stopping the other students from having access to my case and talking was a bit strange.

I've had two immediate emotional reactions to the way the first appointment was handled - gratitude that they're so willing to protect my privacy, but also a simultaneous element of annoyance that they are acting like it is something to sweep under the rug and cover up.

So by this stage I was already feeling a little emotional and fragile. Then the QUESTIONS started! lol

A lot of the questions are the same ones I've had to answer in the past - previous pregnancy complications, what kind of deliveries were my previous births, how big were the babies, what gestation did I get to, how long did I breastfeed for, did I have all my immunisations up to date, was I taking the prenatal vitamins, what was the date of my last menstral cycle, when was my last papsmear... etc. Which was fine. I can answer those questions because the answers are unemotional facts.

It was the questions like 'are you excited to be having a baby?', 'whats the support network like at home when you bring the baby home?', 'are you bonding with the baby?', 'is your partner abusive?', 'are you scared for the wellbeing of your children?', 'Is the father of this baby the same as your previous children?' that were a little intrusive and confronting. I know they have to check/screen for domestic violence, as well as drug and alcohol issues, as well as lack of support etc... but honestly it was the questions about being excited or bonding with the baby that I found the hardest to explain.

So I did my default thing, and burst into tears. Which is so counter productive, cause it just makes it one thousands times harder to express yourself while you're blabbering and sniffling and trying to regain composure. And then ofcourse the staff think something awful is going on, and that you need immediate counselling support! (Yes - the social worker was called! lol).

I tried my hardest to explain that I didn't think I was 'bonding' with the baby, and that things did feel different this time. And that that was ok. That was how it was suppose to be - and that I am actually doing totally fine. That when we got the positive pregnancy result it DID feel different to the results with my own kids. That seeing the baby on the scan was more like being at a scan with a friend and seeing their baby. And that even though I love to feel the little wriggles when baby moves, it's more of a reassurance that he's ok then a 'I'm in love with this creature' feeling.

But I didn't explain it very well. And then I was left feeling like I was a horrible person because I was trying to tell them that I wasn't bonding with the baby! It was just a big teary mess! I actually felt quite wiped out for the rest of the day, and had one of those yucky 'crying headaches' that I get after I cry. I really do hate that aspect of my personality - the 'oh no, things are getting a bit full on - I don't know what to do - someone has looked at me with kind eyes or asked me if I'm ok - must - not - cry - try biting the inside of my cheek - it isn't working - face is crumpling - they've noticed I'm getting emotional - now they really look concerned - and here we go... flood gates are open!'

It sucks!

But I know myself - and I know this part of me is unlikely to change. I do have a better control over it now in my late 20s then I did as a kid or a teen (or even in my early 20s!). But I also know I'm fine. Once I can get a good night sleep and leave the day behind me I'm back to my old self again.

Until the next appointment! lol

I sent my husband a txt when I left the hospital and told him about my teary episode. He just laughed and sent back 'a kitten drinking milk would make you cry!' - he knows me well!

Baby or blubber!?

Decided I should probably grab a 'belly shot' sooner rather than later so I had something to compare it too at the end. I'm still not convinced that much of this is baby... in fact the ratio is probably more likely 80% fat, 20% uterus! lol

But I am definitely feeling more 'pregnant' lately. I am already starting to waddle when I get out of bed in the morning and my body realigns itself after tossing and turning all night thanks to those pesky pregnancy dreams (last night's was set in medieval times, that was interesting). I had been feeling little fluttery movements, but haven't noticed them as much this week. We have been really busy with the business though. Oh - and I've discovered that if I get out of the car too fast, I make the round ligament pain under my belly SO much worse!  This is another of those things that I'd forgotten about from the last pregnancies - it seems to be specifically associated with this 4month stage where the uterus is big enough to emerge from the pelvis, and a lot of stretching and growing is going on. It's probably not really 'pain', just a tight, uncomfortable feeling. But this too will pass.

I am part of an online surrogates community now too. Which is a little bizarre to me. I'm not normally good with online groups of people, prefering to do things solo or just keeping my actual friendship/family group close. But it has been incredibly eye-opening to read through other women's experiences - and to learn a lot of 'what-not-to-do' situations!

Actually, the biggest benefit I've taken from the group is how similar all of our experiences have been. I had assumed that I was alone in my experience of not having everyone in my frienship network agree with what I was doing - but in actual fact nearly every surrogate on the group has had the same thing happen. And it's nearly the exact same wording/concerns these people express too:

'I think it's selfish of you to do this'
'What about the impact to your family? Did you think of that?'
'You should only do this for family, not friends'
'You're only doing this to grab for attention'
You haven't supported me in my hard time, now you're too busy with the surrogacy'
'You're never going to be able to give up the baby'
'I have a feeling something bad is going to happen'
'I don't agree with the process. I think it's wrong. They should just accept that they can't have kids'
etc.

One poor surrogate was getting this kind of bullshit from her twin sister! Angry that the surrogate pregnancy had coincided with her accidental pregnancy, and that the attention wasn't all on her.

I don't have any solutions to this strange phenomenon, but do find it really curious. I've struggled a lot with my own personal situation of this after being confronted and subsequently 'unfriended' by someone I'd known for over 16yrs - and actually least expected this from. But decided quite a while ago that I was giving too much weight to the negative minority at the expense of the positive and supportive majority. (It's always the way though - you can have 100 people support you on something, but it only takes one negative voice in the croud to plant the seed of doubt and shake your focus).

Perhaps the trick is to see the single negative voice for the weight it actually has, rather than prioritising it so much and giving it a greater power then it deserves. Easier said then done in a lot of situations (especially when this voice is coming from your twin!) - but everything is a journey. A process. And this is just another expected bump in the road.

Who knows what the future holds...

Bizarre Pregnancy Dreams

There are so many aspects of pregnancy that you forget about when you're not pregnant. A little like labour and delivery I think. In the midst of the pain you wonder how you could ever forget what this is like - let alone come back and do it again. But even just a week later the memory has faded! (and a lot of people do go back and do it again! lol).

The main surprising symptoms of my first pregnancy were exhaustion, heartburn and VERY vivid dreams. Second pregnancy the exhaustion was back, the heartburn was killer, and the dreams were just as crazy.

This pregnancy actually is no different in those aspects so far! Yet I find myself being surprised when I have no energy, or have to sleep propped upright, or wake from yet another bizarre dream.

One of the first crazy dreams I had was right back in the first early weeks. I remember emailing the IM about it. I had dreamt that I was helping some random guy commit a murder because someone was annoying him (I think it was his mum), and he needed help to hide her body under a pile of rubbish he was taking to the dump in the back of his ute. We were driving around and I felt so paranoid of police pulling us over! The dream quickly morphed to my living in a cave-like house under the roots of a massive tree, then going into labour and delivery 5 baby girls who all came out in a jumble of body parts and had to be reassembled like plastic dolls. I had the distinct feeling that it was like delivery a baby-fruit-salad. But the babies were fine.... just in pieces.

That one was particularly weird.

Then a few nights ago I had another very vivid, quite scary dream. Our dog was barking at something in the early hours of the morning and I woke enough to conciously register the noise. It was his 'scared' bark that he reserves for when he's unsure about something, or thinks someone is near the house. I vaguely remembered my husband getting up to check what was going on, but must have slipped back to sleep without realising.

The dream took over from reality with a seamless quality. I was now dreaming that while my husband had openend the front door to check what the dog was barking at, some intruders had cut the power to our house. I then got up to check out the back and hit the switch for the lights on the patio. They take a second to turn on properly, but I walked out the door before realising that they hadn't actually turned on. I was standing in the dark, outside, with the dog nowhere to be seen, when I suddenly realised that something was wrong. I went back inside and walked back to my bedroom. I attempted to get back into bed when I realised someone was in there with my husband and they were fighting/wrestling. Suddenly I became really FAT and HEAVY and managed to body slam into the intruder, knocking the knife from their hand. My husband and I tackled them, then we realised there was another person in the house as well. I ran to protect my kids and somehow we managed to get both intruders (women) tied up and sitting on my daughters small pink car bed! I remember the frustrated feel of trying to call for the police but not remembering the 'unlock' key for my phone! Then deciding that we'd just deal with these people ourselves. We interregated them as to what they were doing in our home, and suddenly they were all appologetic - handing me a piece of paper that was supposedly from our IPs saying that they were bored with the surrogacy process and thought it would be best to just take out our whole family - so they'd hired hit-women!

By this stage it was nearing morning and my lucid dreaming took over. I was horrified that I'd dreampt such a stupid, scary dream. So changed direction and dreamt that we walked the two intruders down the road to the police station and handed them over. I woke up and was telling my husband about the dream. I asked if the dog had actually been barking and if he had actually gotten out of bed (both actual things that happened!). The rest was just my over-tired pregnancy brain!

The problem with vivid dreams like these - especially ones that aren't as bizarre as delivering fruit-salad babies in a cave under a tree - tend to follow me around for a few days while I 'process' them! I have no idea if it has any obscure meaning, I gave up trying to work out meanings for my dreams years ago! But it is a little hint as to what the next 6 months of nights have in store for me!

Just an update - 14wks already

We're 14 weeks pregnant already.

That just seems rediculous. How the hell has that much time passed!? How the hell are we already in OCTOBER!!! Where has this year gone!

My belly has started to protrude slightly more then normal (but I do normally have a little belly - thanks to the last two pregnancies!), so I won't be including a belly shot just yet! I can feel the hardness of my uterus, especially when I'm laying down. My boobs are SO sore. They were never this sore with my previous pregnancies. I was still breastfeeding my daughter when we fell pregnant with our son though, which may explain why I didn't get as sore that time. But this time around they are so painful to even bump that I dread taking off my bra at night. I already have colostrum, just a tiny amount - but it's there. Which is really quite surprising to me. This didn't happen before either. I suppose 3 times on, my body has kind of worked out this pregnancy thing. Not sure what I'll do with the colostrum/milk following delivery though... but we have a while to nut that out.

I've been watching a lot of the TV show 'One Born Every Minute'. I've always liked the show, and found it fascinating to watch how different women's labours progress. Especially how some seem to breeze through it like it's nothing at all, and others have complication after complication. It has also brought home the reality of my own impending delivery though. And even though that's probably at least another 26 weeks away ( longer if I go overdue again, as I have in both of my previous pregnancies), the knowledge that I will have to 'squeeze a baby out' as my 4yr old likes to put it, is a little confronting.

I've been doing a LOT of thinking about what's making me so uneasy about the birth, and I honestly think its a combination of knowing exactly what I'm in for (pain/process-wise) mixed with not knowing what it's going to be like to labour with the parents of the baby rather then my husband. I think it's this 'unknown', the fact that this is a situation I have NEVER been in before, that's making my brain go into overdrive a bit. I'm constantly trying to picture what it'll be like - but my imaginings are always best-case-scenario (and probably a little movie-like!).

I did watch an episode of One Born Every Minute in which an American surrogate was delivering a little boy for a couple from Europe who had been trying for a baby for over 17years. It was so touching to watch the midwives interacting with the surrogate and the couple, and the moment when the baby was born and handed to the mum. Everyone was crying (I was crying! lol). I think my hubby thought I'd officially gone insane!

I think what I'm finding the hardest to imagine is how we'll all be feeling in those moments/hours/days after baby is born. I believe that I will cry like a baby when bub is born. And that I'll probably be quite fragile and emotional for a while afterwards while my body heals and my hormones try to regain some balance. I intend to try my hardest not to be too snappy and rude when I'm in pain. From what I remember of my previous deliveries, I do get quite short with the midwives and my hubby. I remember him whispering and laughing to me after my son was born and calm had returned to the birthing suite, 'you were so rude to those poor midwives you know!'. I will feel horrible if I get snappy with bub's mum and dad! I also wonder/worry a bit about how nudity will go down! I was quite happy to strip right off and deliver in the buff with both my kids... but this will be a little different!

As you can see - I'm doing a lot of thinking about things that really don't need to be thought about just yet. I'm sure if the due date was to suddenly be tomorrow - everything would just work out. I just need to trust.

(Oh - and on a side note, the weird rash from my 12wk post seems to have cleared up! No more itching all day all over, and no more weird red welts! Still not sure what that was about - but happy to have it gone.)

13 week scan

Baby's parents flew down yesterday so we could all attend the 13wk scan. Our egg donor came as well - so it was a full room for the scan! The technician managed to capture some very clear pictures of bub - including this crazy 3D one.

It really does blow my mind each time I see the baby again as to how human it is already. We think about these things in terms of something not-quite-formed yet. But we could see details like finger bones and kidneys and even the hemispheres of the brain!

Even though this is my third time going in for a 13wk scan, the magic never dulls. This is truely a miracle.

This ITCH!

So, I was going along, living life and keeping busy when all of a sudden I started to get very very itchy.

It started on the friday night just after we hit the 12wk mark. Just a bit of itching on my legs. I thought maybe I'd been bitten by some bugs or something. I went to bed that night and tried to get some sleep, but it soon became apparent that the itching was getting worse... and spreading to the rest of my body. While it looked a lot like hundred of tiny red bug bites, the fact that they were on my thighs, in my hair, along my hair line, on my palms, my butt, my elbows and my chest seemed to suggest something else.

I was showering at 1am on the Saturday morning to try and get some relief. First thing as the sun came up, I was getting ready to head into the saturday morning walk-in GP clinic. The dr was just as confused as I was - and I got the whole 'have you eaten/touched/done anything different' - but I hadn't. I don't have any known alergies and I've never had any eczema... this was just totally new for me.

The dr checked baby's heart beat on the doppler - and found it (which I thought was pretty good considering we're not at the 14wk mark yet), then explained that the normal medications for this kind of thing were not proven safe in pregnancy. So he gave me a steriod shot instead.

And I went home. Still itching.

That night was just as bad, only this time I was woken by a very painful ache in my arm. I was a little surprised by this latest symptom - but dismissed it. Sunday morning my hands were so swollen and sore I had to remove my rings. I had big red blotchy marks on my palms that looked a lot like bruising. We drove to the chemist and I bought some QV lotion and bio oil to see if I could soothe my skin (the QV worked a treat and I've nearly gotten through 1.5L in the last few days!).

Sunday night was even worse. This time both of my arms were aching like I've never experienced. I couldn't sleep despite being so tired. But the benefit to not being able to use my arms overnight did mean that I couldn't scratch, so when I woke up I didn't have any of the rash. It only came back after I started itching my skin again.

A few days on, and another GP visit and blood test later, I'm still no further informed on what this weird rash/itch is. The parents of bub and I have been doing a lot of google research, and it looks like it could be PUPPS, an extremely itchy pregnancy rash that normally develops in the third trimester (and doesn't go away until delivery). Or it could be something a little more sinister - which is what we're testing for with the bloodwork.

I did get to the bottom of my bruised looking hands and aching arms though - it was from all the itching! I got my hubby to massage my arms last night before bed to try and relieve the ache - and it worked a treat. Along with trying my utmost NOT to scratch - so as to give my hands and arm muscles a bit of a break - I now no longer have the big patches of red on my palms. The all-over body itch is still there all day and all night, but I've found if I keep my hands busy, my body smeared in QV lotion and my brain focused on something else I can reduce the amount of itching I do.

I have another GP appointment tomorrow afternoon, and I'm kind of hoping for some answers. But at the same time, no answer probably means the diagnosis of PUPPS is most likely. Which is the better outcome for baby as it's completely harmless for him!

So we wait :) And try not to scratch!