A new addition to our family

My hubby and I had been discussing the prospect of adding a second dog to our family over the last few weeks after noticing how animated our dog would get around other dogs. We were both a little reluctant to take the plunge however, as even though we got really lucky with our current dog Oliver (who is great with kids, our guinea pigs and our birds, doesn't bark a lot, doesn't dig, and is very patient with us when we (or more specifically 'I') get too tired to take him for walks) - he was HARD WORK as a puppy!

But we decided it would be nice for him to have a friend... and so little Indi came home with us. She's abou 9wks old and of mysterious origins - we have no idea what her actual breed is. Her mum looks like a small German Shepherd, while her dad looks like a large Kelpie (but is apparently Rottie x border collie!?). So it will be really interesting to see what she grows into.

 We got Oliver DNA tested a year or so ago to work out what his breed was, as he looks Beagle... but just not quite right. It turned out he was 75% Beagle (which meant one parent was purebred Beagle, one was Beagle x), and that he had 'Borzoi' 3-4 generations back (accounting for his slightly larger size and different shaped head).

So we will do the same thing for Indi... just to get a bit more of an understanding of the breeds that make up her ancestry. At this stage, 4-days into having her in our life she has proven to be a beautifully natured little thing. Very gentle, eager to learn and she absolutely idolises Oliver! (Oliver is still warming to the idea of a puppy sharing his space though... lol).

I will admit I had my reservations about adopting a puppy at 33wks pregnant... but so far I am not regretting anything. It's actually really lovely to have a baby-animal around again. When I sit on the floor with her she comes and squishes herself onto my lap and falls asleep. I figure she might as well enjoy that while she can because soon enough both she and I will be too big for such cuddles!

 The kids have really taken to her as well. My daughter is more interactive and likes to 'boss' Indi around, while my son tends to just play on his own, and Indi seeks him out. Both kids have become rather interested in babies over the last few months too, so it has been really timely to have a 'baby' of our own for them to play with.

Ask me again in a few weeks if I'm still as content with the decision to bring home a puppy though... and we'll see if Indi's good-behaviour is here to stay!

4 months of belly growth - 32wks today

Unwanted

I'm not really sure where to start with this post. Things are going along perfectly with the pregnancy, but I still seem to keep getting caught by surprise by the people around me. I honestly thought physically carrying this baby boy would be the hard bit... not the easy bit!

I was recently involved in a conversation about babies having an emotional memory of either being wanted or not wanted while growing in their mother's bellies. Apparently there is a theory that unborn babies can sense if their mother wants them or not - and that this emotional memory will carry through and influence the rest of their lives. I'm not sure if this is exactly what the conversation I was involved in was about - but this article is similar.

The feedback I was getting was that because this baby isn't mine, he'll know I 'dont want him' and also that because my extended family aren't connecting with him, he'll be wired for life feeling unwanted.

Firstly - I don't know what the point of the conversation was. It was a few days ago now, and I'm still baffled. I think it probably says a bit more about the other person's hangups surrounding surrogacy then about having a 'point' as such.

I fully believe that the emotions a woman feels while carrying a baby can influence the fetus as it develops - even if we look at it just on a chemical level. Cortisol levels increase when you experience stress, oxytocin levels increase when you're happy/feel pleasure. BUT  - I think this is removed from 'feeling wanted', especially in a surrogacy situation.

Possibly, if a woman was to fall pregnant accidentally, and really didn't want to be pregnant - then she may experience a stressful pregnancy, and even parent her child differently once the baby was born. This may indeed have a very real impact on the resulting person. This is a stress reaction to a particular situation in which a new life is involved. But doesn't actually have anything to do with surrogacy.

Surrogacy is so very different.

A surrogate goes into a surrogacy journey because she wants to. She wants to be pregnant. She wants to help nurture the baby's life. She may not want the baby for herself, but that baby is willed into existance and VERY wanted by his family and everyone involved. A surrogacy is not accidental. It may be stressful at times - but no pregnant woman is able to avoid stress for the whole gestation period. That is just rediculous. Stress is a part of life.

I honestly believe that this little boy is experiencing a much more chilled out and happy enviroment in my belly then my son did 3 years ago. I have vivid memories of days spent trying to keep up with my very young daughter while my husband was at work 5-6 days a week and just feeling like I failed a little more each day. This time around the pregnancy was on my terms, it didn't 'just happen', we have a good daily family schedule, and the kids are that much older. My hubby is fantasticly supportive, I am able to rest when I need to and emotionally I don't feel like things are just simmering under the surface like they were back then. I'm not just 'surviving', I'm actually really enjoying life.

But why do I feel like I need to justify that?

I think the part that gets under my skin is this assumption that because I'm not 'bonding' with the baby or 'connected' to the baby or 'keeping' the baby - that somehow this baby is disadvantaged. That's what annoys me. This little boy has an amazing family just itching to meet him. And I'm not 'bonding' with him because he's not mine to bond with. I care about him, I encourage him to move and let me know he's ok each day (and tell him off when he's jabbing me in the bladder in the early hours of the morning). But the best way to describe the situation is the feeling you might have when holding a close friend's baby. You feel protective and instinctively love the little thing, but you don't have any desire to take him from his mum. Surrogacy is the same thing - only it's not a cuddle for half an hour, it's a 40wk baby-sitting service!

So, back to my life again now. Still 8 weeks to go until baby's due date - so lets see how many more interesting conversations I can have with people before then!

30 weeks

So... not a lot to report this week. Things are ticking along just as they should. I had an OB appointment on friday. There were some questions over one of the results in my full blood count (abnormally high platelet levels apparently). But after a bit of stuffing around, and a second blood test the doctor called later that afternoon to report that everything was 'very very normal'.

Baby has been moving really well lately too. He's not able to do the really fast flickers and jabs, but when he does roll and push it's so strong. He seems to spend most of my waking hours stretched out as far as he can in there, pushing up under my ribs - then come bed time he tucks himself way down low in my pelvis. Very odd. But kind of cute! (almost like he's preparing for being rolled on in the night!).

I'm always so curious to know how big he might be at each stage - and found this really amazing photo through a google search of a bub born at 30wks (he was one of sextuplets though - so maybe slightly smaller than a single-baby at 30wks), but still, that's so cool. Apparently babies at 30weeks gestation have over a 98% chance of survival - which is such a dramatic improvement based on the odds for babies born just a few weeks earlier than this.

We definitely don't intend on having this little dude come out just yet though!

A big brother in waiting

I purchased this maternity top months ago when my belly first started making it uncomfortable to fit into my regular clothes. Then I forgot I had it in my cupboard! Re-found it, and discovered that it fits quite well now... in fact if that belly gets too much bigger it may not fit at all! lol

We're now 29wks, and fast approaching the '30s'. I've been continuing to monitor my blood pressure at home, and it is consistently in the normal range - which is awesome. Means my body is handling this pregnancy better then it did with my son 3yrs ago. I have the OB check up next week, so we'll get the blood test and glucose challenge test results then.

Baby has been reasonably active again over the last few days after his little quieter period. I am wondering though if he's flipped back into breach position though. I am pretty hopeless at being able to tell what bits are what though - I just know I can feel something very solid in my belly that pushes back when I press on him! I'm getting a lot of quite painful jabs and knocks to my pelvis/bladder again though, so I'm assuming that means he's got his feet down there and I think it might be his head just near my belly button that I can feel as the 'hardness'. (Hubby tells me I shouldn't poke the baby there because I might poke him in the eye! I reply that there is a decent layer of fat, muscle, uterus and fluid between my hands and the baby, and that I think he'll be fine - they're more forceful when they do a bloody ultrasound!!)

It's crazy to look at this little diagram and see how far baby has come. From those first few weeks following the embyro transfer when he was too tiny to even detect on a scan... to now being a full formed, just slightly too small human being. There's a part of me that wants to will the next 10weeks away so that I can hand the baby over to his parents and have my body back. But then there's a part of me that knows how magical this last stage of pregnancy is, and how soon it will be over, and doesn't want the time to pass by too quickly.

I went into this surrogacy journey wanting to help a family out, but also wanting to experience a pregnancy again - and this baby has not disappointed. There's just so many questions I want answered now like any expectant woman would... how long is labour going to be? What will the baby look like? How big will he be? When will I go into labour? And of course the questions more specific to this situation... what will the days and weeks following delivery be like for me? Will I get that hormonal surge that all the baby books talk about and become a weeping mess!? Will I be in pain for a long time after birth without the distraction of a new baby to care for? Will I recover more quickly not having to get up for night feeds? Will I feel weird catching up with the babies family those first few times after we leave the hospital? Or will it feel like the most natural thing?

I am genuinely curious as to how all of these situations will play out, and what my reactions will be.

We caught up with IM, her mum and her little boy during the week (- Babies mum, grandma and big brother). My mum, little sister and grandma were able to meet them as well - which I think was a very important step. It upgrades the 'concept' of a family for the baby in my tummy to actual people. We had a lovely lunch at the same place we'd met for our very first meeting back at the very start of this surrogacy process. It was quite poetic to reflect on all that had happened/changed over the year, and how much IM's little boy had grown and matured.

He sat opposite me at lunch and kept looking over at me and saying 'baby'. He made it quite clear that even though he's only just turned 2yrs old, he knows what's going on, and that the big bump under my shirt contained a baby for him. I was genuinely surprised by how well he grasped the concept and got a bit teary while holding him and talking about his little brother coming (but had to contain myself as photos were being taken!)

It blows my mind to think about how much his little world is going to chance in just a few short weeks. He'll never remember a time when it was just him. It'll always be him and his little brother. Out to conquer the world!

28 week belly progress pic

So... we're 28wks today. Twenty-Eight-Weeks! I was feeling quite frumpy today. My blue-flower dress has been worn so many times now the elastic is starting to go around the neckline and I kind of feel like a walking floral blimp when wearing it! But it is good for getting these progress shots.

I'm now back to the weight I was at embyro transfer, after loosing a few kgs during those weeks of morning sickness. I had hoped to NOT put on any weight this pregnancy because I really don't need to... but with a constant craving for orange juice and milky chai lattes... it's not really a surprise!

Had to do the glucose tolerance test this morning (fast for 12hrs, go to the blood collection centre, get some bloods taken, drink a bottle of super sweet flavourless liquid. Sit there for an hour. Have more blood taken. Sit for another hour. Have yet more blood taken. Then go home. Lots of fun!). This test will let us know if I've developed gestational diabetes, and the bloods look at my iron levels and other relevant things my GP decided to check out! He wants me to see the OB at the hospital next fortnight as my blood pressure was a little high at his appointment (despite being a perfect 125/70 at the hospital check up last week), so we'll see what happens from there.

These are the last 3 belly-progress photos for compariosn.

Baby Goo

I was attempting to get to sleep last night, when out of no where I suddenly remember that in order to get this baby boy OUT of me - I'm going to have to give birth!

I honestly think I'd managed to shut down that part of the process in my mind since my last post about birth anxieties back at the start of the pregnancy. Up until this point I think my attitude had become a little like 'oh, the birth is AGES away still, nothing to stress about yet'. But - if I do deliver a little earlier than the due date (as all of my dreams have been telling me I will), labour might only be another 8 weeks away.

Which is REALLY SOON! lol

So, after a little quiet freak out in bed, stressing about not remembering what I'll need to pack in a hospital bag, what I'll wear for delivery (I don't think I'll be going naked this time! lol), how I'll cope with possibly doing contractions in the car on the way to hospital (something I've never had to do before!), what would happen if baby comes even faster then my son's 3.5-4hr labour, what if we don't get to hospital in time, what if I get baby-goo all through the IPs car, what if I bleed after delivery again and we're not at the hospital....

You know, just your basic labour-freak out thoughts.

So I got up. Got a drink of water and peed for the 100th time that day. Put the aircon on, and went back to bed determined NOT to think about birth right then. Which surprisingly worked. But I resoloved to start looking into what I'll need for a hospital bag today. I think physically doing something constructive like that will help.

I'm actually surprised at myself that the 'hospital bag' has become such a huge focus. I didn't even think about it with my first until I was about 37wks pregnant. And with my second I don't even remember packing one... but I must have! Maybe it was because the focus was on what I'd need for the baby the last two times, whereas this time I'm only packing for myself?

Or maybe it's just less confronting to focus on the hospital bag rather then the impending pain and uncertainty of delivery?

It may also be in part due to the fact that I made a quick visit to the birth suites earlier this week after noticing that baby hadn't been moving as much as usual. While waiting for the midwives to come and take me through for monitoring, another young couple were also waiting and she was most definitely in early labour. There really is nothing quite as confronting as watching someone else experience the same pain that you too will be feeling in a matter of weeks/months.

(They checked baby and he was perfect. They think that he may have finally moved position to be laying head down, bum up now, which is why the patterns of movement have changed. I'm definitely not getting the same 'storms' of kicking that I was previously, but he's still letting me know he's there!).

So, I don't really have any resolutions for this post. Mainly because there can't be any just yet. But I am going to have to start preparing myself psychologically for this birth rather then pushing it aside. It is going to hurt. It will be messy. But I know my body can do it.

And in parting I will leave you with a quote from one of my hubby's favourites movies... 'oh yes, there will be blood!'.