Limbo

Had the second growth scan on friday. At 36wks, 2 days this baby boy's head is measuring 40wks, 2 days. The rest of him (legs, belly etc) sit between 38-39wks on average. They didn't give me a weight estimate (I don't think they wanted to freak me out any more!).

His head was nice and low and he kept true-to-form and kicked the sonographer throughout the whole scan. It made her job of measuring his leg bones interesting! My blood pressure was actually normal at this appointment too. I was quite surprised as my home readings have been all over the shop during the week. My bloods and urines were all totally normal, and basically the conclusion was that this baby is totally happy in there, not affected by my blood pressure at all and that we now just wait out the next few weeks until he wants to come out!

They did explain that they would like to schedule an induction on the 39th-40th week, so that I'm not going past the due date of April 2nd. I would very much like to go into labour spontaneously before then though!

It's a funny old head-space you find yourself in during these last weeks. You are actually looking forward to those first twinges of labour pain, and analysing every little niggle. Last night was particularly uncomfortable and restless, and my pregnancy brain decided that someone had given the baby a toy train to play with inside my tummy, which is why it was hurting so much! Made perfect sense in my dreams! :P

I've started expressing small amounts of colostrum this week too. Just when I feel full/achey which is about every second day or so. I'm not getting heaps, probably 20-30mls per time, but newborns don't need a lot for their first few feeds - so we might have enough to see him through his first 24hrs? It also takes the pressure off me after he's born, and makes the option of feeding him colostrum so much simpler for his parents too. I won't need to be expressing right then and there, and they can just defrost it and feed him when they want to. I figure my body is making it regardless, why not use it. Plus the extra stimulation from expressing might just help kick start labour?!

It's funny though, a part of me would be quite happy to go into labour today. But then another part of me is kind of like 'don't wish away the experience'. It's so easy to take something for granted when it is your life 24hrs a day. But I know as soon as my belly is empty and I am not getting those little shoves and jabs at all times of the day and night, I'll probably miss it. It feels a lot like waiting in limbo at the moment though - not knowing if I am going to go into labour soon. Or if my body will hold on right up until the start of April and need to be induced? And all the unknowns around exactly what will happen after he's out, how I'll feel/act, how my family will feel/act, how his family will feel/act, all the 'red tape' we'll still need to sort out in preparation for the parentage order/registering his birth etc. It really gets a bit overwhelming if I try to 'sort it out' in my mind. So I've just been avoiding thinking about it! I'm focused on the next step right now - which for me is labour. This is the last physical thing I really need to do in this process.... and even though I realistically only have limited control over it, it's MY thing. So I'll prepare and plan and research and focus my energy there.

35wks feels like so close, yet so far to go still!

We're 35 weeks through this pregnancy now. That just seems like some kind of crazy-significant amount of time. My mind races back to the day of the embryo transfer and it feels like it was only yesterday, and yet a lifetime ago at the same time.

This little man has been quite active today - as much as a baby his size can be anyways. There has been a lot of pushing and wriggling and stretching and hiccuping. I can feel/see the outline of his back when he pushes himself outwards. And he's not a dainty little flower at all! I remember seeing this ONCE when I was pregnant with my first baby, and being amazed as she pushed her back/bottom out and my belly shaped around her.

With this little man - it happens multiple times a day/night. I can usually tell what side he's chosen to lay on depending on where the hard-mass of baby torso is sitting. His buttocks sit right up under my ribs still (I don't think he's planning on engaging/dropping anytime soon!), and act as a kind of handy shelf for sitting a drink or the TV remote.

Although he has been known to kick these off - the general belly vacinity is has always been 'his' area for as long as I've been aware of his movements!

What I would give for a couple of extra inches of space between my ribs and my pelvis though...

I had yet another OB appointment last friday - they are going to be weekly until I no longer have a passenger I'd say - and I'm still measuring ahead of where I should be.

At 30wks fundal height was measuring at 32.
At 32wks funal height was measuring at 34.
At 33wks fundal height was measuring at 35.
At 34wks fundal height was measuring at 36.
and at 35wks, fundal height was measuring at 39...

So I was consistently only a few 'weeks' over until that last appointment.

I was watching an episode of 'Deliver Me' today, and it seemed like so many women on that show are told that their babies are too small, or growth restricted, and I could see how stressed they were about the information. I have never been in that situation, and couldn't really imagine what that must be like. They are told to rest, eat more and stop work. Yet even that doesn't make a difference in some cases. There must just be a total sense of helplessness.

At least in this situation, I know that this bub is likely to be bigger then average, but that this simply means he's healthy and happy. It also means a little extra discomfort for me in the last weeks... but the end is so close I'm just trying to take things day by day (or rather sleepless night by sleepless night! lol).

Only 5 more days until baby's family move down here to be closer for the birth too. Which will give us much better access to just hang out and be 'pregnant' together while we wait for this birth!

Getting closer

Saw the OBs again last friday at 34weeks. Our gorgeous student midwife was there for the appointment as well which was lovely as I got popped onto the heart-rate monitor for half an hour or so, and it was nice to have someone to chat with while baby went nuts trying to kick off the straps (have I mentioned how much he hates any kind of pressure on my belly! lol) 

My blood pressure was still stressing them out, but had dropped a lot closer to my standard 'at home' levels by the end of the appointment. But I'm still on weekly checks, and there's another scan booked for the 36wk check in. I'm so curious to see how much of a growth change there has been since the scan at 32wks. 

I'm still feeling rather large, and tired - as you can see in the photo below! The skin on my belly is becoming really itchy lately too - another symptom I don't remember from my previous pregnancies. It's that strip of skin between my ribs and my belly button that seem to be copping it the worst - but I think this is where baby has decided to park his chubby little bottom - so that could be the reason. 

Heart-burn is a daily occurance - but I do spend a lot of time sitting on the floor to do my work, and kind of leaning over to draw patterns/cut/sew etc (you think I'd sit at a table hey! :P). And I think it's the process of sitting cross-legged and leaning forward that pushes baby up into my stomach and makes the heart burn worse. If I wasn't such a stickler for my floor-position while working, I'd probably be a lot more comfortable! lol It's a little like my persistance in wearing high-healed shoes, despite walking like I have a watermellon resting in my pelvis! :P

Let's put it down to being a slow learner! :P

I think I mentioned in the last post that the view I have is different to the side-on belly shots I post. So I decided to take a top-down shot to show you what I mean. This is what I see when sitting on the floor to sew. You can see how baby has his bum over to the right-hand side of my belly here too.

He's pretty quiet and 'well behaved' during the day now, and then comes alive in the evenings/overnight/early morning. His mum and dad may be in for an interesting few weeks while he adjusts to the day = awake, night = sleep routine.

Emotionally I feel like I'm cruising along quite well at the moment too. I swing between really really wanting my body back for me, and making the effort to enjoy having this little man bunkered down inside of me. I keep getting asked questions about what the plan is for delivery/labour, but find that there are just too many variable at this stage to really have a solid plan. Baby's parent's move down to stay a few minutes away from us once we hit 36weeks, so they won't miss anything! I think it'll feel very real once they're here. And until they arrive, I don't really have a plan for what would happen should I go into labour. 

There will even be variables once bub's parents are here - it'll depend on what day of the week, what time of day, if it's spontaneous or induced, fast or extended, complicated or uncomplicated... too much to try and plan and organize around. So I have a very basic idea of what we'll do... and will just go with the flow when the time comes. 

Baby's face - growth scan

I had a bit of an eventful week this week with all things pregnancy related. I was told at the 32wk appointment last friday that I was measuring too big, and that baby was laying transverse. They wanted me to get a scan (as well as more bloods and urine checks). So this friday (14th) I waddled on into the hospital for the growth scan. Sure enough baby-boy is measuring in a good 3-4wks ahead of his gestational age and sitting on the 95% percentile. Fluid levels were totally normal (they thought maybe it was just a lot of liquid in there!?), and all the organ development and placental blood flow was fine. (The photo above shows his nose/upper lips. He has the chubbiest cheeks already and had folded himself into a head down-bum up position with his feet in front of his nose! At least he's sitting better for a normal delivery now).

Both of my own children were large at delivery (9lbs, then 10lbs), so I must say I was curious when I went into this surrogacy journey to see if a baby not of mine/my husbands genetic material would compare.... and at this stage it's looking like maybe it's more about my oven then the genes!? lol

I've been cleared for Gestational Diabetes with all 3 pregnancies too, and have had 'concerning' high blood pressure levels (I honestly think it's more of a white-coat-syndrome thing then actual high blood pressure though as I get consistently normal readings at home) with all three as well - which is supposed to restrict blood flow and potentially cause growth restriction... so I'm not sure what's going on in there! I am a big girl, and I like my food - so maybe the babies just get extra doses of nutrition? I don't know if that's how it works if you don't have GD though? I'm still approx 1kg over the weight I was at embryo transfer too - so feeling good about that. I didn't need to gain any extra weight - and am hoping to maintain this until delivery... though I am SUPER hungry at the moment! And there's still a few weeks to go! lol

This photo was taken first thing Friday morning (33wks, 2days). It amazes me still that the photos don't even begin to show how HUGE I feel I am. My perspective is looking down at my belly though, and I've been unable to see anything beyond the bump for quite some time now. I was trying to explain what it feels like to be pregnant at this stage to my hubby earlier this evening. I want to try and remember as much of this as I can. It's a little like the feeling you might get if you've been to an 'all you can eat' restaurant, and you've seriously over eaten. Your belly feels bloated and hard and you're just generally uncomfortable to the point that even walking back to your car is exhausting. (I don't know how many of you will be able to identify with this - but our family were big fans of 'all you can eat' when I was a kid, so this is a vivid memory for me! lol)

 But then you need to imagine your belly about 4 times larger then that with a very strong, wriggly human being inside of it that takes to shifting position at the strangest times and managing to press on places inside of your body that you didn't know you had (nor that you realised hurt so much!). Then - this extended belly of yours also takes to going rock hard whenever you get a bit stressed or try to walk further then 100m (or just because it wants to at 2am in the morning) which feels a little like you've suddenly become a human-vice. There is no 'give' in your bloated belly, so you can no longer bend over or reach things that are just next to you and hunching becomes an impossibility, and if you lay back too far or too flat you may feel like you can't breathe!

Yet at the same time - I do feel proud of this bump. This wriggly, inconvenient bump. And it blows my mind that a human is on his way to the world.

I also decided this week that it was time to book in a pregnancy massage. I had been a little reluctant to get one done earlier after a comment the accupunturist made back in the first trimester (that I shouldn't let my hubby massage my shoulders as the release of tension would make miscarriage more likely. Apparently this was just common sense biology!?). I will admit that I dismissed it as silly - but I still didn't let anyone massage me, just in case! lol

So I went back to my favourite alternative health centre and got a lovely hour long massage. I even got to use one of those crazy tables with the belly-cut out in them! I honestly think that if I suddenly found myself rich beyond belief, I would hire a full-time masseuse and get massages every day! I LOVE them!

I left feeling very relaxed and sleepy! But was quite sore over the next few days. It was totally worth it though!

So the latest on thing is that they want me on weekly check up appointments at the hospital to monitor my pesky blood pressure, and keep a close eye on pre-eclampsia (which is slightly more likely for me as this baby is different genetic material - considered the same as if this was a baby conceived to a new father), and to keep an eye on his growth. There was some talk of an 'early induction' if he continues to grow at this rate... but I will admit I'm very reluctant to be medically induced again. I think once I get to 36-37wks, I'll be trying all of the old wives tales to get labour started on its own. As much as I don't want an induction, I also don't want to go overdue like I have the last two times either... so it'll be an interesting couple of weeks ahead of us all I think!

A new addition to our family

My hubby and I had been discussing the prospect of adding a second dog to our family over the last few weeks after noticing how animated our dog would get around other dogs. We were both a little reluctant to take the plunge however, as even though we got really lucky with our current dog Oliver (who is great with kids, our guinea pigs and our birds, doesn't bark a lot, doesn't dig, and is very patient with us when we (or more specifically 'I') get too tired to take him for walks) - he was HARD WORK as a puppy!

But we decided it would be nice for him to have a friend... and so little Indi came home with us. She's abou 9wks old and of mysterious origins - we have no idea what her actual breed is. Her mum looks like a small German Shepherd, while her dad looks like a large Kelpie (but is apparently Rottie x border collie!?). So it will be really interesting to see what she grows into.

 We got Oliver DNA tested a year or so ago to work out what his breed was, as he looks Beagle... but just not quite right. It turned out he was 75% Beagle (which meant one parent was purebred Beagle, one was Beagle x), and that he had 'Borzoi' 3-4 generations back (accounting for his slightly larger size and different shaped head).

So we will do the same thing for Indi... just to get a bit more of an understanding of the breeds that make up her ancestry. At this stage, 4-days into having her in our life she has proven to be a beautifully natured little thing. Very gentle, eager to learn and she absolutely idolises Oliver! (Oliver is still warming to the idea of a puppy sharing his space though... lol).

I will admit I had my reservations about adopting a puppy at 33wks pregnant... but so far I am not regretting anything. It's actually really lovely to have a baby-animal around again. When I sit on the floor with her she comes and squishes herself onto my lap and falls asleep. I figure she might as well enjoy that while she can because soon enough both she and I will be too big for such cuddles!

 The kids have really taken to her as well. My daughter is more interactive and likes to 'boss' Indi around, while my son tends to just play on his own, and Indi seeks him out. Both kids have become rather interested in babies over the last few months too, so it has been really timely to have a 'baby' of our own for them to play with.

Ask me again in a few weeks if I'm still as content with the decision to bring home a puppy though... and we'll see if Indi's good-behaviour is here to stay!

4 months of belly growth - 32wks today

Unwanted

I'm not really sure where to start with this post. Things are going along perfectly with the pregnancy, but I still seem to keep getting caught by surprise by the people around me. I honestly thought physically carrying this baby boy would be the hard bit... not the easy bit!

I was recently involved in a conversation about babies having an emotional memory of either being wanted or not wanted while growing in their mother's bellies. Apparently there is a theory that unborn babies can sense if their mother wants them or not - and that this emotional memory will carry through and influence the rest of their lives. I'm not sure if this is exactly what the conversation I was involved in was about - but this article is similar.

The feedback I was getting was that because this baby isn't mine, he'll know I 'dont want him' and also that because my extended family aren't connecting with him, he'll be wired for life feeling unwanted.

Firstly - I don't know what the point of the conversation was. It was a few days ago now, and I'm still baffled. I think it probably says a bit more about the other person's hangups surrounding surrogacy then about having a 'point' as such.

I fully believe that the emotions a woman feels while carrying a baby can influence the fetus as it develops - even if we look at it just on a chemical level. Cortisol levels increase when you experience stress, oxytocin levels increase when you're happy/feel pleasure. BUT  - I think this is removed from 'feeling wanted', especially in a surrogacy situation.

Possibly, if a woman was to fall pregnant accidentally, and really didn't want to be pregnant - then she may experience a stressful pregnancy, and even parent her child differently once the baby was born. This may indeed have a very real impact on the resulting person. This is a stress reaction to a particular situation in which a new life is involved. But doesn't actually have anything to do with surrogacy.

Surrogacy is so very different.

A surrogate goes into a surrogacy journey because she wants to. She wants to be pregnant. She wants to help nurture the baby's life. She may not want the baby for herself, but that baby is willed into existance and VERY wanted by his family and everyone involved. A surrogacy is not accidental. It may be stressful at times - but no pregnant woman is able to avoid stress for the whole gestation period. That is just rediculous. Stress is a part of life.

I honestly believe that this little boy is experiencing a much more chilled out and happy enviroment in my belly then my son did 3 years ago. I have vivid memories of days spent trying to keep up with my very young daughter while my husband was at work 5-6 days a week and just feeling like I failed a little more each day. This time around the pregnancy was on my terms, it didn't 'just happen', we have a good daily family schedule, and the kids are that much older. My hubby is fantasticly supportive, I am able to rest when I need to and emotionally I don't feel like things are just simmering under the surface like they were back then. I'm not just 'surviving', I'm actually really enjoying life.

But why do I feel like I need to justify that?

I think the part that gets under my skin is this assumption that because I'm not 'bonding' with the baby or 'connected' to the baby or 'keeping' the baby - that somehow this baby is disadvantaged. That's what annoys me. This little boy has an amazing family just itching to meet him. And I'm not 'bonding' with him because he's not mine to bond with. I care about him, I encourage him to move and let me know he's ok each day (and tell him off when he's jabbing me in the bladder in the early hours of the morning). But the best way to describe the situation is the feeling you might have when holding a close friend's baby. You feel protective and instinctively love the little thing, but you don't have any desire to take him from his mum. Surrogacy is the same thing - only it's not a cuddle for half an hour, it's a 40wk baby-sitting service!

So, back to my life again now. Still 8 weeks to go until baby's due date - so lets see how many more interesting conversations I can have with people before then!