A reflection on 2013

At the beginning of this month it occurred to me that it had been exactly a year since I'd set out to learn more about being a surrogate. And here I was 3/4 of the way through a surrogate pregnancy!

If someone had told me this time last December that I'd spend the next Christmas/New Year period 6-7 months pregnant with a surrogate baby, I honestly don't know if I would have believed them! I would have been pretty chuffed and excited, but I didn't expect things to happen as quickly and simply as they did. Everything that I'd read suggested that the process could take years. And I think heading into a journey like this, especially for the parents of baby, there is no set timeline so it does feel like an expanse of unknown.

How long will it take to find a surrogate, or an egg donor? How long will it take to go through counselling and the legal paperwork? How long until the first embryo transfer can get underway? How long until we know if the pregnancy has taken? How long until you can try again? How far into a pregnancy do you wait before you relax?

And then all of a sudden you have a due date. A baby is on the way. A very real, very tangible little human being.

(Christmas Eve @ 26wks) 

Someone who wouldn't have existed if so many situations and circumstances hadn't come about first. It's hard not to try and put too much 'greater meaning' on things like this... but it really does feel like a giant mix of magic, luck and fate!

I wonder how different my year would have looked if I hadn't decided to seriously research surrogacy last December? Certain people would probably still be in my life, but certain people wouldn't. I would no doubt be making all manner of inane New Years resolutions right now. I'd probably be wishing to loose weight (while finishing off the Christmas mince pies, boxes of chocolates and wine!), resolving to walk the dog more frequently, planning a family holiday for 2014, considering a move to a more rural location to bring up the kids, and most probably lamenting the fact that I didn't feel like I'd achieved anything of worth this year.

But things ARE different this year. I feel like I've spent my time well. That I am doing something of worth. It's not going to solve any world crisis, but it will make the world of difference to a mum, and a dad, and a little boy and their whole extended family/friendship network.

So I don't think I'll worry about resolutions for 2014! This journey isn't over yet - in fact the best is still to come. Bring on 2014. Bring on the birth of this little man. Bring on being able to see him in the arms of his family. Bring on watching him grow up.

And maybe then I'll set about about loosing that weight.

And walking the dog!

Struggling

The worst part of this process has always been how those around me handle surrogacy (as you may have discovered if you've been reading my rants for a while now. I will apologize in advance, as I will no doubt be going over some of the same old bugbears here). As soon as I had nutted out what the process would look like as a surrogate in Australia, I had my head around it. I knew I could do it.

I knew my marriage and my kids would be fine - in fact, I actually think things are better. My hubby has been just wonderful. He's seen me through two pregnancies that were 'his fault', so understands the toll it takes on my body and is able to be supportive in practical ways (like getting up at the crack of dawn to see to our almost-3yr old so I can sleep an extra 30mins), but is also so much more relaxed this time knowing that he doesn't have to prepare for an extra family member.

My 4.5yr old has become baby obsessed, and asks a million questions about what they do, what they eat, how big they are, what do they sound like etc, - so we google videos of newborns crying, or breast feeding, or taking a bottle, or being dressed, and you can see her brain taking it all in. She understands that this is not our baby, that we're helping another family to do something they couldn't do on their own. She also tells me that she doesn't want to have babies in her belly when she's older, to which I explain that it's totally her choice. She says instead that she will marry her best friend from Preschool, and her friend will have their babies!

I'm actually really proud of how open minded and flexible she is with the whole concept. That babies don't just come from a mum and dad - that some people have to find other ways to have babies. She's also learnt that not all families choose to have kids. That some kids live with their grand parents or aunties or uncles instead of their mums and dads. That there are many different versions of 'family, and the importance of the role of 'mum', no matter who is playing it'. I don't know if we would have had all of these discussions at this stage in her life had I not chosen to head down the surrogacy path.

What I am struggling with right now is how invisible I seem to have become in my social network. It's hard to describe really - because I'm obviously still acknowleged, but the pregnancy (you know, that massive beachball tucked down my dress) isn't. It feels like the more obvious it becomes, the more people avoid mentioning it. Like if they can just get through the next few months it'll all be over and they can really pretend it never happened. I think I would have fallen over backwards if someone had said 'hey Em, how's the pregnancy going?' or 'Are you getting much movement from the baby?' or 'The baby's parents must be getting excited now' etc. But no. The most I got was 'good luck with things', and 'It's a bit hot today hey'.

Those who did make mention of things had their own agendas, ie to talk about how the adoption laws had changed which was so good, because it meant people wouldn't need to bother about bringing new babies into the world via surrogacy any more - they could just adopt all of the world's orphaned children.

There was SO many things that annoyed me about that flippant statement ( I did feel myself fire up a bit, but pulled it back for the sake of our relationship and Christmas gathering!). I'm obviously happy that it sounds like the Australia adoption laws are changing for the better - it's seriously about time - but until it's looked into it in greater depth, there's no way to know exactly what that will mean for people wanting a child. There is no doubt still going to be a truck load of red-tape and logistical hoops to jump through, and it will still be reliant on the laws surrounding the birth country of the oprhaned children - Australia has no control over that. Potential parents will be excluded for all manner of reasons - age, financial capacity, religion, marital status, health, situation etc, just as they are now.

Yet if you find yourself in the lucky percentage of people who can fall into bed with your partner, then do a positive pregnancy test a few weeks later - what gives you any more right to be a parent? Where are the reproductive nazi's with their 'you should just adopt' attitudes then? No one would dare say that to you. It's your RIGHT to be able to have your own child.

Adoption is not going to be 'the' option for every couple struggling with infertility. Just as surrogacy won't be for everyone. But while I totally understand that, I didn't enjoy the inference that surrogacy is something seedy and morally wrong. That if people have 'better' options, they should do that instead. I think what the vast majority of people don't realise (especially those who've never faced infertility), is that surrogacy is NOT the first point of call for a couple needing reproductive help. It's a place you come to way down the line of options, after you've explored everything else. And as such, it's usually the last resort.

I feel so proud of my body for being able to assist another family. It's doing exactly what it needs to to protect and nurture this little baby boy. It's something I'm so happy about, that I'm excited about and WANT to talk about. It's a huge part of my life right now. Yet I feel like I'm being silenced and sensored. Like others are unable to experience the joy with me, for their own reasons. And that's the biggest, most persistant confusion for me - why can't they feel the joy too? Is it fear? Fear that they'll get attached to the idea of a baby that they won't have any claim to? Or just because they don't understand their own emotions?

I never expected this to be such a big deal for those in my life. I honestly thought it was beautifully clear cut - the baby is not genetically related to me, never was mine, never will be, and is so very longed for and loved already by his parents and their extended family. What is there to be confused about people!!?

Belly experiment

I don't think it's a unique phenomenon, but I have been noticing that my belly sits differently at the end of the day to how it looked like at the start. So I decided to do a little photo comparison last friday at 25wks, 2 days. 

This was nearly first thing in the morning. Around about 7am. Before eating breaky. 

This was lunch time, roughly 12-1pm ish. Before eating lunch.

And this was late afternoon, roughly 5-6pm. Before cooking dinner. I think I can see the biggest change between morning and lunch. I wonder if that's baby changing position over the course of the day as I walk around? Or bloating? Or fluid retention? (not that I have any swelling yet...??). I have no idea! It's a curious thing though.

This photo below is me at 35weeks pregnant with my son 3yrs ago. Wearing the same red singlet. I was probably 5kg lighter then too - so I wonder if the weight difference accounts for the belly size? I think the belly looks bigger NOW at 25wks then it did there at 35wks!

(I also got my first stretch mark for this pregnancy this week as well! I didn't get any with my daughter, only got a few with my son between 40wks and 41wks... and wasn't expecting any this time around! Ah... the mysteries of pregnancy hey!).

Something just for my surro bub

A few weeks ago I was dyeing up some rainbow mohair fur fabric for our teddy bear supplies store and posting the progress photos to our business facebook page when IM commented that she'd love something like that for the baby... maybe as a rug or something. We nutted out what would be most practical though - and seeing as mohair is notoriously scratchy and not a great fabric choice for newborn skin, we decided to see what a cot sheet set would look like dyed up rainbow-style.

So I tracked down some plain white cotton cot-sheets, and set about dyeing it up like I do with the mohair. The dyes I use are made from natural minerals and we buy them in bulk tubs from a supplier local to brisbane. The problem with them is they give incredibly inconsistent results depending on the material being dyed! lol. Even using mohair fur (which is a natural goat-hair fibre pile on a cotton backing) we get some pieces that wash out with the same intensity as they were when painted, and some that loose nearly all the colour! I've learnt that letting the fabric set in the heat of the sun really helps. So we choose a nice hot QLD summer day to do this batch of rainbow dyeing.

IM had commented that she really liked the diagonal rainbow effect I'd done on one of the earlier pieces of mohair - so we decided to stick with that patterning. We make up little pots of concentrated pastes of each of the colours, wet the sheet, wring it out, lay it flat on newspaper (to absorb excess moisture and prevent the dye from bleeding through the colours stripes) and start painting it on.

It takes a little while - but the effect is so pretty. I was really hopefull that the colours would keep their vibrancy. We laid the sheet out in the sun for a few hours while I painted up the tiny pillow case included in the cot set, and the fitted sheet which was a whole other ball game! (Because of the elastic around the edges of the fitted sheet we couldn't lay it flat for rainbow stripes, so we did a 'splotch' rainbow effect instead which looked a bit like a painting my kids might have done at kindy! lol).

Traditionally I've always rinsed my dyed mohair pieces off outside on the lawn using the hose. But because this is going to be used for a baby, I decided to thoroughly wash it using a sensitive laundry liquid in the washing machine. This was probably the main reason the colours ended up so much softer... but I will admit it did grow on me. Probably a little more 'newborn' suitable!

I even managed to fold it all back up and pop it back in the original packaging too! That was a proud moment! lol. (though obviously not quite as neat as it was when I purchased it!)

We posted the cot sheet set off with the rest of the christmas presents for our IPs and their little boy last week. I'm kind of hoping it has arrived already... or I will have spoilt the surprise with this blog post!

I really enjoyed making this. It was something a bit different for me, and I had visions of surro baby in a few years time taking his unique cot sheets to his kindy/day care and being able to say that his 'tummy mummy' made them for him before he was even born. My kids (4yrs and nearly 3yrs) are VERY into hearing about stories from when they were in my belly, or from when they were new babies and learning about where their most cherished toys and blankets came from.

My daughter recently found two of her baby dolls we'd bought for her on her first christmas (they were 'lost' in the toy box in her room). Four years have passed and the original outfits have long since disappeared into the black-hole of her room... but these two little dolls are now her most cherished toys. The photo above shows them fresh and new back on Christmas day 2009. The photo below was taken about 10mins ago while she has her nap. On the floor. Next to her beloved babies! lol.

It has actually been something that has caught me by surprise a little - how much the story behind an object/toy means to kids. I feel a little silly that this has been something I didn't 'get' before now. But it does makes sense - time is so relative when you've only lived a few years, and don't even remember a lot of your life.. so anything that someone can tell you about what you liked/did/saw/played with etc as a 'baby' is so exciting. Like learning about who you are.

Even more important is a kid's 'story of origin'. While my two are still a little hazy on the whole 'coming from mum's tummy' thing (my daughter likes to check every now and then that she came first, then her brother, and that they weren't both in there at the same time?'), they grasp the basic concept of 'baby comes from belly, is born, then grows up'. They don't have to think too much about it because it's no different to anyone else they know.

I wonder how different that is for a child born to surrogacy and/or egg donation? If their story is told from the very first memories ... I wonder if it's accepted as easily? I've always assumed it would be, but then I've never had to reconcile a story like this myself, or for my own kids. And I didn't anticipate how important these 'origin/babyhood' stories would be for my kids. I think this is also why it felt so right for me to make something unique for this little boy wriggling around in my belly. Something that he can keep, that is a physical object to help represent HIS story of origin and the circumstances that makes HIM so special.

I just have to hope that the pastel rainbows don't completely wash out over the next few years now! lol

24 week belly shot

The promised 24wk belly shot. It actually doesn't look that different to the 20wk one now that I can compare them... But I do feel a lot bigger. I think baby's position makes a big difference too. On monday I felt like I should have been more like 8months along then 6months along! It felt like my uterus was up under my ribs already - even my mum commented that my 'uterus looked very large' lol.  But overnight he's shifted again and movements are again happening down low in my pelvis - so he's probably head up, legs down again. He does seem to like to be the right-way-up! lol. I'm not too worried about that yet. He has a long time to sort his position out yet.

(For comparison sake - this was my first pregnancy 5years ago with my daughter, and I was 23wks pregnant here. This is better then how I look non-pregnant now adays! lol)

(and this is about 3.5yrs ago, my second pregnancy with my son at 24wks. Pretty similar to this one actually, but maybe sitting a bit lower? I think my son spent more of his time head down/bum up though... which may be the difference?)

Week 22 and the acrobatics

This little baby is a mover! I doubt very much this this will be the last time I say that too! He just does not stop. And the rare moments when I think 'oh, he's been a bit quiet', will usually be very short-lived. I've learnt that all I have to do is lay down flat on the couch and wait for about a minute. Something about being flat on my back must either wake him up or restrict his space so that he starts to push against the sides of my uterus. I don't know what it is - but it's a surefire way to check he's ok.

He's so strong now, that he's able to make himself visible on the outside of my belly already too. And if you place your hand in the right spot, you can feel him on the outside of my belly as well. I was just laying down for a rest earlier, and he was kicking up a storm. My 4yr old was able to feel some of his flickery kicks. She was mildly amused! lol

I had been feeling like my energy levels were doing better at the start of this week. And a little while earlier I'd rolled over in bed and heard a 'click' noise, and felt my hip pop back in (it has been significantly less painful since then too). But for the last few days I've really hit a wall at about 3pm and then again at about 8pm, heading to bed around about then. I was telling baby's mum that I feel like a nanna!

So all in all things have been going pretty well. I'm feeling quite on top of things with the housework, our business, the kids and organising christmas. (I actually didn't know if I should buy something for my IPs for baby for Christmas, or just something for their little 2yr old... but I decided to buy for both of them. It's so cute too. Something that I would have wanted to buy for my own kids when they were newborns (if I'd seen this in the catalogue), but wouldn't have ever justified! Especially for the second child! It was hand-me-downs all the way for my youngest! lol

I do remember reading another Surrogate's story at the start of the year, talking about her struggles with going shopping and wanting to buy baby clothes, but not feeling like she was able to. I must say that I haven't really had that yet - I walk past the baby section and look at it more as 'what might be a cute outfit for a collectable teddy bear I'm making', rather than wanting to purchase clothes for the baby. There is definitely a sense of relief there that I don't have to organise a newborn's wardrobe, nursery furniture, prams, slings, rockers and baby swings... this is a very relaxed way to bring a baby into the world. All of the logistical side with clothing and furniture is left to someone else! We've actually found ourselves selling off our old cot and change table as our youngest no longer needs them!

A very bizarre situation indeed!

Another week and a half and I'll do another belly update. I almost did one today - I feel HUGE - but I'd say that's more about eating a massive lunch with my family then having a huge baby in there!

Symptoms at 20weeks

We have our next hospital appointment tomorrow. IM is flying down again (poor thing has clocked up a lot of km in the last week) to attend with me, so that we can try and avoid the situation that happened at the last hospital appointment.

I actually think that this will be the last appointment there for a while - provided everything looks good tomorrow. And that from now on I can just go to my normal GP who is 5min down the road, and surprisingly very supportive and 'on my side' with all things surrogacy. This is called 'GP Shared Care', and is what I managed to do with my first pregnancy, and tried to do with my second before everyone started stressing that he wasn't growing properly... (being born at 10lb kind of blew that theory out of the water though!).

This pregnancy feels pretty easy at the moment. The worst symptoms I have to report are a bit of hip pain (I'm thinking Pelvic Girdle Pain) that radiates down the right side of my lower back/buttocks, and is worse at night. Especially if I've gone to bed, laid down for a while, then have to hoist myself back up again to see to the kids. Walking in heals probably doesn't help either! lol Nor carrying my 2.5yr old who weighs the same as an average 5yr old... but I must say keeping active and moving through the pain helps. When I stop and try to rest it, it seems to seize up more. Will have to try and remember to talk to the doctor tomorrow about that...

Also getting a little intermittent heart burn still. Not every day yet... that will come soon I'm sure! But just periodically, usually in the afternoons/evenings again. Heart burn is one of those things thats nasty when it's happening to you, but when it's not you're kind of like 'oh, what's all the fuss about!

Oh - and the kicking! For all my stressing about him not moving enough in the last few weeks, he's making up for it now. Lots of rhythmical, repeditive shoves from the inside. Still most of them down low in my pelvis like he's aiming for my bladder, or up under my belly button. They seem to be the target spots. Either that, or those spots are where I have the most pressure receptors? My hubby fell asleep with his arm draped over my lower belly/hips the other night, and baby went CRAZY trying to kick him off! He definitely seems to be quite sensitive to external stimulus as he didn't really like the poking and probing of the ultrasound last week either.

I was actually thinking this morning how proud I am of my body in getting us this far. I think it's kind of easy to take the absolute miracle of pregnancy for granted, especially when you're just going through the normal day to day tasks of life and forgetting at times that there is a little passenger in there... but seriously - growing another human being is magic. Normally you can take some genetic credit for the strength/wriggliness/above average growth of your baby, but in this situation the baby is not related to me at all. So all I can take credit for is that my body has nurtured him, let him implant, sustained him, fed him and protected him. My kidneys filter out his waste, my blood supplies his placenta and the water I drink helps to keep him floating in his amniotic fluid... the human body is bloody amazing.