Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Booking In

I had the 'booking in' appointment at the hospital yesterday. Appointment was one of the first in the morning, but I was still there past lunch time! I assumed that would be the case though - I even took a big fat book with me. But I didn't get a chance to even finish the first chapter. Nearly all of that time was spent with the staff!

From what I understand - reading between the lines - this will be the first surrogacy case this particular hospital has encounted. Which is fine. They've been very accepting and open with me so far. But I did feel a little put out when the team leader was reluctant to even write 'surrogate' on my file in case too many people saw it. She actually voiced her concern about having the situation talked about multiple times while I was with her.... it was something I had honestly not even considered!

Because this hospital is a teaching hospital, there are student midwives that occasionally sit in on appointments as well. It was decided that the student who came in to yesterday's appointment would be the only one I'd see throughout the pregnancy; 'continued care' I think it was called. This is great - it'll be awesome to have someone consistent throughout the whole process. But the way it was 'sold' to me as stopping the other students from having access to my case and talking was a bit strange.

I've had two immediate emotional reactions to the way the first appointment was handled - gratitude that they're so willing to protect my privacy, but also a simultaneous element of annoyance that they are acting like it is something to sweep under the rug and cover up.

So by this stage I was already feeling a little emotional and fragile. Then the QUESTIONS started! lol

A lot of the questions are the same ones I've had to answer in the past - previous pregnancy complications, what kind of deliveries were my previous births, how big were the babies, what gestation did I get to, how long did I breastfeed for, did I have all my immunisations up to date, was I taking the prenatal vitamins, what was the date of my last menstral cycle, when was my last papsmear... etc. Which was fine. I can answer those questions because the answers are unemotional facts.

It was the questions like 'are you excited to be having a baby?', 'whats the support network like at home when you bring the baby home?', 'are you bonding with the baby?', 'is your partner abusive?', 'are you scared for the wellbeing of your children?', 'Is the father of this baby the same as your previous children?' that were a little intrusive and confronting. I know they have to check/screen for domestic violence, as well as drug and alcohol issues, as well as lack of support etc... but honestly it was the questions about being excited or bonding with the baby that I found the hardest to explain.

So I did my default thing, and burst into tears. Which is so counter productive, cause it just makes it one thousands times harder to express yourself while you're blabbering and sniffling and trying to regain composure. And then ofcourse the staff think something awful is going on, and that you need immediate counselling support! (Yes - the social worker was called! lol).

I tried my hardest to explain that I didn't think I was 'bonding' with the baby, and that things did feel different this time. And that that was ok. That was how it was suppose to be - and that I am actually doing totally fine. That when we got the positive pregnancy result it DID feel different to the results with my own kids. That seeing the baby on the scan was more like being at a scan with a friend and seeing their baby. And that even though I love to feel the little wriggles when baby moves, it's more of a reassurance that he's ok then a 'I'm in love with this creature' feeling.

But I didn't explain it very well. And then I was left feeling like I was a horrible person because I was trying to tell them that I wasn't bonding with the baby! It was just a big teary mess! I actually felt quite wiped out for the rest of the day, and had one of those yucky 'crying headaches' that I get after I cry. I really do hate that aspect of my personality - the 'oh no, things are getting a bit full on - I don't know what to do - someone has looked at me with kind eyes or asked me if I'm ok - must - not - cry - try biting the inside of my cheek - it isn't working - face is crumpling - they've noticed I'm getting emotional - now they really look concerned - and here we go... flood gates are open!'

It sucks!

But I know myself - and I know this part of me is unlikely to change. I do have a better control over it now in my late 20s then I did as a kid or a teen (or even in my early 20s!). But I also know I'm fine. Once I can get a good night sleep and leave the day behind me I'm back to my old self again.

Until the next appointment! lol

I sent my husband a txt when I left the hospital and told him about my teary episode. He just laughed and sent back 'a kitten drinking milk would make you cry!' - he knows me well!

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