Wednesday, April 2, 2014

1 week post birth

It's been one week since the big day. Zander is doing really well, and I am getting photos from his parents each day. We had our final counselling session to complete the legal requirements for the surrogacy process yesterday. I will admit I was a little anxious about it. The pre-surrogacy counselling was pretty intense so I was expecting much the same. I was worried that I would burst into tears/not be able to control my emotions, and it would be misunderstood as regret. But I did really well - no tears.

My trigger topics at present seem to be when anyone says how amazing the process is/being a surrogate is, or when they ask about my kids. Obviously these things were touched on during the counselling, and I did feel myself getting a little emotional - but maintained control. If I'm honest, I'm quite proud of myself considering I'm only a week post-birth!

I'm feeling a lot better with the dizziness/wooziness when I'm walking around too. I've either adjusted to a lower blood level or my body has replenished enough to get me across the line of feeling normal again. I definitely don't have the stamina I did pre-pregnancy when I was walking 10km treks with the dog, but I'm sure I'll get there again in time.

I'm also amazed by the changes in my body. My belly is by no means 'flat' (it never has been!), but i just feels so little at the moment in comparison to the last few months! I'm enjoying being able to wear my old clothes again, being able to bend over and lay on my belly to sleep.

I honestly have no regrets, and feel like people expect me to be more upset, or to be pining for Zander. But this just isn't the case, and it has kind of put me in an odd mind-set over the last few days as I've been interacting with people and getting these kind of responses, feeling like I need to justify or explain myself. I knew I'd be ok to hand the surro bub over at the end of the pregnancy - I wouldn't have volunteered for this process if I had any doubts. It's really quite black and white in my mind: he's just not my baby! Simple as that. I could no longer take him from his family then I could take my friend's newborn or my cousin's newborn. I have no claim to him in my mind, even though legally in Australia I do. The legal stuff is just a formality. He is with his family.

I look at all of these gorgeous photos of him and just feel proud. I wondered if it would be similar to how I feel about my neice, or my friend's kids, or even maybe what a grandma might feel - but I think it's different still. I mostly just feel really proud of my body for growing him so well, and delivering him safely. I can't take any credit for his genetics, but feel like those chubby cheeks and squishy thighs are thanks to me. I enjoy watching his mum and dad feed him and change him and hold him while he sleeps - but I honestly don't have any major desire to hold him myself.

I kind of feel like my job is done now, and it's time for me to step back. Which is probably the only thing that makes me feel a little sad. For so long my life has been focused on this huge event, and now it's happened. I don't have anything else that I need to do here, and for someone who likes to always be busy... this is a strange feeling. It's like having to re-adjust into my own life again!

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