Wednesday, April 23, 2014

What's it like?

Throughout this whole surrogacy journey there was always one question that I couldn't answer - what would it be like after the baby is born?

I've lived the immediate version of this; the push-baby-out-and-hand-him-over bit. And that was totally fine, a relief really. 

I've lived the recovery-period version of this; the go-home-and-lick-my-wounds/hug-my-kids-and-be-thankful-to-be-unpregnant bit. And while that was pretty intense and emotional for me, it was survivable. Once the hormones died down and my hemoglobin levels increased, once I had a few full nights of sleep and got to see everyone loving on that baby - I felt great. I got that 'surro high' that the surrogate support group talk about. I had been an integral part of giving life to that little baby and I was damn proud of myself. 

I've even lived the good-bye version of this; the 'see-you-at-some-unspecified-time-in-the-future-when-baby-will-be-so-much-more-grown-up bit. And this was ok too. It felt a little anticlimactic actually. I don't know what I was expecting from myself, but it literally was just a hug and a 'see you later' and then back to my life. 

So what's it like now, one month post delivery? 

It actually feels surreal. It feels like it happened to someone else. Even my memories of the birth and the pain and the days in hospital have faded and blurred a little already. I find myself thinking 'birth isn't THAT painful!'... it must be some kind of motherhood-induced anmesia that helps ensure the population continues to grow! 

It's not quite like it happened to someone else, but maybe more like it happened to me many years ago. Not one month ago. I still have no feelings of claim or possessiveness towards Zander at all - which has surprised me a little. I thought I'd feel something at some stage, but no. I am completely non-clucky. I can appreciate photos of babies, and don't mind holding them, but there's none of that 'must protect and nuture' instinct that happened with my own kids. 

I kind of feel like more should have happened emotionally, and like I'm still waiting for that to hit me. I think the worst bit is the continuation of that feeling of not having any significant importance in this 'story' anymore. I've been made redundant, and that's probably going to be the emotion/feeling that hangs on for the longest I'd say. And one I didn't foresee being so significant. 

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