Baby or blubber!?

Decided I should probably grab a 'belly shot' sooner rather than later so I had something to compare it too at the end. I'm still not convinced that much of this is baby... in fact the ratio is probably more likely 80% fat, 20% uterus! lol

But I am definitely feeling more 'pregnant' lately. I am already starting to waddle when I get out of bed in the morning and my body realigns itself after tossing and turning all night thanks to those pesky pregnancy dreams (last night's was set in medieval times, that was interesting). I had been feeling little fluttery movements, but haven't noticed them as much this week. We have been really busy with the business though. Oh - and I've discovered that if I get out of the car too fast, I make the round ligament pain under my belly SO much worse!  This is another of those things that I'd forgotten about from the last pregnancies - it seems to be specifically associated with this 4month stage where the uterus is big enough to emerge from the pelvis, and a lot of stretching and growing is going on. It's probably not really 'pain', just a tight, uncomfortable feeling. But this too will pass.

I am part of an online surrogates community now too. Which is a little bizarre to me. I'm not normally good with online groups of people, prefering to do things solo or just keeping my actual friendship/family group close. But it has been incredibly eye-opening to read through other women's experiences - and to learn a lot of 'what-not-to-do' situations!

Actually, the biggest benefit I've taken from the group is how similar all of our experiences have been. I had assumed that I was alone in my experience of not having everyone in my frienship network agree with what I was doing - but in actual fact nearly every surrogate on the group has had the same thing happen. And it's nearly the exact same wording/concerns these people express too:

'I think it's selfish of you to do this'
'What about the impact to your family? Did you think of that?'
'You should only do this for family, not friends'
'You're only doing this to grab for attention'
You haven't supported me in my hard time, now you're too busy with the surrogacy'
'You're never going to be able to give up the baby'
'I have a feeling something bad is going to happen'
'I don't agree with the process. I think it's wrong. They should just accept that they can't have kids'
etc.

One poor surrogate was getting this kind of bullshit from her twin sister! Angry that the surrogate pregnancy had coincided with her accidental pregnancy, and that the attention wasn't all on her.

I don't have any solutions to this strange phenomenon, but do find it really curious. I've struggled a lot with my own personal situation of this after being confronted and subsequently 'unfriended' by someone I'd known for over 16yrs - and actually least expected this from. But decided quite a while ago that I was giving too much weight to the negative minority at the expense of the positive and supportive majority. (It's always the way though - you can have 100 people support you on something, but it only takes one negative voice in the croud to plant the seed of doubt and shake your focus).

Perhaps the trick is to see the single negative voice for the weight it actually has, rather than prioritising it so much and giving it a greater power then it deserves. Easier said then done in a lot of situations (especially when this voice is coming from your twin!) - but everything is a journey. A process. And this is just another expected bump in the road.

Who knows what the future holds...

Timing

When I was 6 weeks pregnant with my first pregnancy I remember walking around in a state of bewilderment and shock and amazement. This had actually happened for us. We'd had a dating scan and seen the tiny sack, fetal pole and yolk sack. I had a due date (the day before my 25th birthday). And I felt like nothing could touch me. Life was perfect.

I was already imagining my body with a huge pregnant belly, and how much fun it would be to be able to tell my friends and family who didn't already know yet. I caught up with my best friend of over 20 years for morning tea, and we were discussing all things morning sickness and sore boobs and what I could expect over the next few months (she already had a 2yr old). She was a wealth of information, but also so gracious about my first-timer naivety.

Then she casually mentioned that she was pregnant too.

I didn't think I could be any more excited! This amazing person that had been in my life since we were just tots ourself was going to share this pregnancy journey with me. There is only a few weeks difference between our own birthdays, and I think we both went into 'future-imagining' mode thinking about the awesome bond our children would share only having a few weeks between their birthdays as well.

My daughter was born towards the end of July, and her son was born at the start of August. We spent a LOT of time together when our babies were little and started a small playgroup. She was my 'go-to-girl' for all things parenting, breastfeeding, sleep-settling, and nappy-brand-choosing. Life was good.

When I found out I was pregnant with my son, my friend was already 5 months into her third pregnancy. So it was a novelty to be pregnant at the same time again, but the time difference was big enough that by the time I was actually starting to show, she already had a newborn in her arms. There was no one in my immediate frienship group who was due around the same time as me. So it was a different experience to be doing it 'solo' as such.

My son was born the day before a huge cyclone hit north qld. The property damage to the towns in the path of the storm meant work opportunities for my friend's builder husband, so they relocated the family up north. There would be no baby-catch up dates this time around. I still continued to attend the playgroup we had started though, which was now full of friends with kids of all ages. But I did miss that shared sense of 'I know what you're going through' that you develop with a mum that has a baby the same age as yours. Babies grow so fast in that first year that even a few months seems like a crazy difference.

When I was contemplating this surrogate pregnancy, I think I just assumed that I'd probably be doing the pregnancy thing solo again. And this was actually what sat best with me. I wasn't sure how I'd go if friends of mine were delivering babies around the same time as me. Yet keeping them! (obviously!). But one of the things I've quickly learnt is that just because something happened a certain way with a previous pregnancy, does not mean it'll happen that way again (this also translates to morning sickness!).

So far both my friend (yep, the same one as the last two pregnancies!), and my cousin are sharing this pregnancy journey with me. My friend is almost exactly a month ahead of me, this time with her fourth pregnancy. And my cousin and I basically share a due date. This is her first.

As with most things that happen in my life unexpectedly, I usually have a few days where I chew over the new information, write about it, process it, talk about it, process it a bit more - then move on. And this was no different.

I have no control over who else in my world will be sharing this pregnancy journey with me. What I do have control over is how I react to the timing of it. I can get all stressy and anxious and imagine future scenarios where they have a baby in their arms and I don't, or I can imagine visiting their babies in the future and feeling an extra special connection to them because of our shared experiences.

And it's honestly the later scenario that feels most real to me. I'm so excited to share this journey with these special women, and take the next steps on this very unique life experience.

Reactions

I was a little naive when I first started talking about my plans for this surrogacy journey - I just assumed my family and friends would think about it the same way that I did. But I was wrong.

Very wrong!!

MOST people were really curious and interested about it. I'd usually get the 'but is it even legal!?' (yes it is) or the 'how will you be able to give the baby up?' ( it's not mine to keep) or the 'how much will you get paid?' (it's illegal to be paid) questions. Some friends thought about it a little more and threw doozy questions at me like 'what happens if there's something wrong with the baby?' (we will deal with that if/when it happens) or 'what if the Intended Mum gets sick again?' (seriously?! Anyone could get sick or be killed living their basic, boring life. This does not make one person a more worthy parent than any other) ...

We covered a LOT of scenarios in the hours of counselling. Some were quite hard to talk through, so I can only imagine how horrible they'd be to live through. But for the most part the IPs and my hubby and I agreeded on all the major aspects. I approached the scenarios in the same way I would have if this was my own pregnancy, with common sense and decency. Until we hit the next question...

This was the one that I found hardest to get my head around: what if my life is in danger health-wise, and the baby needs to be delivered early. I found myself getting bogged down in the hypothetical details (ie. how far through the pregnancy am I), arguing that if we had any avenue to delay the delivery to give the baby the best fighting chance, I'd want to take it (this is what I'd do in my own pregnancy. If it meant bed rest for weeks/months, or hospitalisation or a cocktail of drugs...I'd do whatever it took to give the baby extra days/weeks to grow). The IPs were horrified and explained that they'd never want to risk my life over their unborn child and would deliver as soon as necessary. I wanted to argue with them... but I also got a glimmer of seeing it from their perspective too. I wouldn't risk leaving my kids without a mother. And neither would they.

This is why you have counselling! With this awareness, and with eyes fully open, I realised that this wasn't going to be 'just like one of my own pregnancies'. This was different. And it would be treated differently by not only medical staff, but by friends and family as well.

I think this was most noticeable for me when we got the positive pregnancy result after the first blood test. I remember struggling a bit with how different things felt, and recording some of my thoughts in the pregnancy journal I'm keeping for the bub (and his mum)...

" 28th July 2013

So... we got a big fat positive on the pregnancy blood test 2 days ago. I cheated a little and did a pee-stick test before the blood test - and it told me you had stuck. So I already knew the good news. We do another blood test tomorrow to make sure you're growing well and getting stronger.

At this stage I don't want to get used to the idea that you'll be there for the long-run because we're all aware that things can go wrong (especially because you spent a few months frozen)... but we have to be positive. 

At this stage I feel like this is it - that you ARE here for the long-run... I also feel like you're a little boy. (But you can't trust my 'feelings'. I don't really know what you are! We all just want you to be healthy). 

So at this stage, once we've had a good second blood test tomorrow we'll then have a scan following that and I'll get to see you. I look forward to being able to feel you move in there too. 

We told our kids that you are in my belly. I don't know how much they really understand though. My daughter woke us up at 6am this morning to ask me if I had 'squeezed the baby out yet?' 

I think the hardest thing to get my head around so far has been 'how and I supposed to feel?' If this was my pregnancy with a brother or sister for my children I would be feeling excited, and scared. And I would be imagining my life with a third child. 

Because you're not my baby, there is no 'what will the future bring' thoughts beyond imagining you growing up with your mum and dad and big brother. It's a bizarre situation to be in the middle of. 

You spend your whole life surrounded by and reacting to people's announcements of pregnancy and there's a social etiquette for responding. This situation is so new, and so strange that there is no 'norm' to follow. So I think that has left me feeling a little lost for the last few days. 

This is really happening now. It's VERY real. But how do I feel about it? How am I supposed to feel about it? 

I think I'm still excited, but it's a different form of excitement. I'm excited to watch my body do 'it's thing' again, to see you moving on the scans, to have my belly expand to make space for you... but the excitement and anticipation of a newborn in the house/another member of the family is missing. So it's almost like an incomplete excitement. 

Maybe that's what I've been trying to understand over these last few days - why I feel different this time? It's silly though, because of course I'm going to feel different! This situation IS different! 

I am looking forward to being able to give birth to you, then being able to hand you over to your parents and jusr SLEEP! (That was my biggest desire after delivering my own two babies, but the last thing you actually get to do!). I think I may struggle a bit with the emptiness of not having you inside me anymore, and also not having you in my arms. I think that will be a challenge - but I know I am strong enough to face it. And I will be ok in time. 

And on that note I need to get up and get ready for a family lunch. I think they're all a bit confused as to how to feel about this as well though. They're happy, but the excitement of a new family member isn't there. So they probably feel a bit confused about it all as well. "


Things have changed and developed in the months since this post though, and nearly everyone of my friends and family members have gotten their heads around this bizarre situation - as have I.

I have no illusions that it's not going to be especially hard for my parents seeing their daughter pregnant, but there being no grandbaby at the end of it for them. But I am buoyed by a simple comment one of my brothers made recently... 'really proud of you for doing this Em'. And I have to admit, I am too. Proud, and scared and excited and curious and honoured to be on this unusual journey.