Baby or blubber!?

Decided I should probably grab a 'belly shot' sooner rather than later so I had something to compare it too at the end. I'm still not convinced that much of this is baby... in fact the ratio is probably more likely 80% fat, 20% uterus! lol

But I am definitely feeling more 'pregnant' lately. I am already starting to waddle when I get out of bed in the morning and my body realigns itself after tossing and turning all night thanks to those pesky pregnancy dreams (last night's was set in medieval times, that was interesting). I had been feeling little fluttery movements, but haven't noticed them as much this week. We have been really busy with the business though. Oh - and I've discovered that if I get out of the car too fast, I make the round ligament pain under my belly SO much worse!  This is another of those things that I'd forgotten about from the last pregnancies - it seems to be specifically associated with this 4month stage where the uterus is big enough to emerge from the pelvis, and a lot of stretching and growing is going on. It's probably not really 'pain', just a tight, uncomfortable feeling. But this too will pass.

I am part of an online surrogates community now too. Which is a little bizarre to me. I'm not normally good with online groups of people, prefering to do things solo or just keeping my actual friendship/family group close. But it has been incredibly eye-opening to read through other women's experiences - and to learn a lot of 'what-not-to-do' situations!

Actually, the biggest benefit I've taken from the group is how similar all of our experiences have been. I had assumed that I was alone in my experience of not having everyone in my frienship network agree with what I was doing - but in actual fact nearly every surrogate on the group has had the same thing happen. And it's nearly the exact same wording/concerns these people express too:

'I think it's selfish of you to do this'
'What about the impact to your family? Did you think of that?'
'You should only do this for family, not friends'
'You're only doing this to grab for attention'
You haven't supported me in my hard time, now you're too busy with the surrogacy'
'You're never going to be able to give up the baby'
'I have a feeling something bad is going to happen'
'I don't agree with the process. I think it's wrong. They should just accept that they can't have kids'
etc.

One poor surrogate was getting this kind of bullshit from her twin sister! Angry that the surrogate pregnancy had coincided with her accidental pregnancy, and that the attention wasn't all on her.

I don't have any solutions to this strange phenomenon, but do find it really curious. I've struggled a lot with my own personal situation of this after being confronted and subsequently 'unfriended' by someone I'd known for over 16yrs - and actually least expected this from. But decided quite a while ago that I was giving too much weight to the negative minority at the expense of the positive and supportive majority. (It's always the way though - you can have 100 people support you on something, but it only takes one negative voice in the croud to plant the seed of doubt and shake your focus).

Perhaps the trick is to see the single negative voice for the weight it actually has, rather than prioritising it so much and giving it a greater power then it deserves. Easier said then done in a lot of situations (especially when this voice is coming from your twin!) - but everything is a journey. A process. And this is just another expected bump in the road.

Who knows what the future holds...

Meeting the Intended Parents

I couldn't imagine being in the position of needing another human being to grow my babies for me.

Having to hope against hope that someone, somewhere out there in the world would consider taking on such a huge task. Someone who would allow themselves to be impregnanted with a child that will never be theirs, carry that child through morning sickness, exhaustion, heartburn, stretch marks, constipation, bloating, swelling, and the constant paranoia that comes with not knowing if the baby is ok 24/7. Then have to give birth - however many hours of pain that takes - and hand the baby over to you immediately following birth.

And that's the uncomplicated version! What if there's a problem with the baby? What if there's preeclampsia, or gestational diabetes, or early labour, broken waters, bleeding, forced bed rest or any number of life threatening scenarios that can occur during delivery...? How do you reconcile the all consuming need for a child against the risks you're asking another person to take for you?

I don't have the answer.

I am not the one in this position. Though I have dipped my toe into the pool of 'desperately wanting a baby but being told it cant' happen'. So I do feel I understand this fundamental, biological, inescapable drive. To a degree. As much as someone who eventually had her two children 'just happen' can understand.

It was this glimmer of understanding that has been a fairly crucial motivator for me. I'll never claim to fully understand the torment an 'Intended Parent' must go through to make the decision to use a surrogate to complete their family, but I don't think I need to. That is their process, their soul searching and ultimately their choice.

MY responsibility was to make sure I was 100% certain of what I was offering to my IPs BEFORE contacting them. And while I think I certainly felt 100% certain at the time of first contact, there have been moments along the journey so far that I have questioned myself.

When we had our first round of counselling I was left with the question of what we'd do if the hospital I delivered at wouldn't let the IPs stay overnight to care for their baby. What if I was stuck all night with a newborn that wasn't mine (but legally was, so couldn't be discharged until I was), that I couldn't breastfeed, that I had to try and learn to settle... I had a little mini panic! The hospitals I'd delivered my own children in hadn't even let my hubby stay overnight to help. I found myself wondering why I was putting myself in this position as this scenario was literally my worst nightmare! The panic was short lived though, as we did some research and got some recommendations and a referral to an OB who had dealt with surrogacy situations before and DID allow IPs to stay overnight.

Then again when I was about 7weeks pregnant and VERY VERY sick with a combo of morning sickness and the flu... I was feeling quite sad and sorry for myself. I think I spent about 4 days in bed fighting through hot/cold fevers with a spew bucket by the bed. I alternated between thoughts of 'why am I doing this again?' to 'God I hope the baby is ok with all these fevers'! But the flu inevitably passed, and I started feeling a little more like me again, and refocused on the goal - a healthy baby for my IPs.

IPs that I didn't know before this journey started, but with whom I have a great deal of trust and respect. I honestly think this is the only way an altruistic surrogacy journey can take place - you have to have a connection there, but I think it's also really important to keep good boundaries. I have thought about it many times, and for me I don't know if I would have felt as comfortable to take on this journey with a family member or existing friend. The boundaries are a little more blurred and for me, it might have made things a little too messy if there were some less then ideal outcomes...

Because the IPs I chose live in the same state as me, but a fair distance away (nearly 1000km away), it meant that our first 'getting to know you' moments were nearly all done via email or the phone. It was like an intensive series of first dates, only we were throwing information at each other that might take other people years to discover! It also meant that there was a degree of natural 'boundary setting' in place simply due to the geographic distance.

My hubby and I met our IPs in person over lunch one day earlier this year, and got to meet their little boy. We were both so impressed by their parenting style and how down to earth and like us they were, that there were never any awkward moments. I think we all knew at that meeting that this was going to work. The IPs are very respectful of my space, and my role as mum to my own kids first and foremost.

I don't know how this relationship is going to look at the end of the pregnancy. This is a path I've never taken before. I don't know how it will look in 1 years time. Or 5yrs time. Or even 10 to 20 years time. These are all unknowns, and not something any of us can predict. We can have ideals in our mind (We're all hoping to keep in contact with annual visits and regular updates), but the reality will be what it is. And the not-knowing is all part of the experience.

Why choose altruistic surrogacy?

Hi.

Welcome to this brand new, squeaky clean blog.

I've been blogging for some years now, mostly to do with my pet-keeping hobby and craft business, though I did flirt with the idea of a 'chronicles of motherhood' blog when my children were very young and my sanity levels were questionable. I didn't have a lot of positive things to write back then though, so I decided against it. Though I've always kind of wished I'd had the guts to stick to it, to write how I was feeling and document those painfully slow days with a new baby and an toddler barely out of babyhood herself.

But I didn't. I self-censored myself. Things did get better. We all got used to our new lives, the baby grew up into a nearly-toilet-trained handsome little boy and the toddler is now a very well spoken pre-schooler. And I love them with every fibre of my being.

My husband and I were told early in our marriage that we'd have a lot of trouble concieving a baby naturally thanks to some rather serious health complications we'd both faced in our teens. We tried for a long time, then resigned ourselves to the assisted fertility process. We purchased health insurance to help us pay for the priviledge of becoming parents, then discovered that we were pregnant with our daughter within a fortnight! And 18months after her arrival to the world, we were welcoming her little brother.

Our family was complete.

It was late last year, around the time when families are gathering together to celebrate christmas and people are making their new years resolutions, when a passing comment between my hubby and I led to the idea of looking into surrogacy. I had managed two successful pregnancies, not without minor complications, but at the end of the day both babies had arrived safely and very well cooked (9lb and 10lbs!). We knew our family was complete, but there was that little part of me that wanted to experience pregnancy one last time. But without the newborn at the end!

I also wanted to give back in 2013. I wanted to do something to help change someone's life for the better. Our business was working well, but selling craft kits and handmade plushies wasn't exactly making a meaningful difference to anyone. Surrogacy would. Being able to grow a baby for a family who otherwise would have no other means to bring their child into the world was such an incredible concept.

I started an extensive google search. And I learnt a LOT! It was actually really overwhelming in those first few weeks of learning. And quite a few times I questioned whether or not I could actually do this.

In Australia surrogacy is only legal if done altruistically. That means no payment for the actual process of carrying the baby. You do need to be reinbursed for any medical costs, transport to appointments, parking costs, loss of income from attending appointments, medications required, therapies used etc etc. But no 'wage' for being a surrogate. You do that just because you want to.

Once the embryo is transferred to your uterus (in the case of gestational surrogacy, when you're not genetically related to the baby), it actually becomes YOUR baby legally. This means you, as the surrogate have the legal rights to decisions around what happens with the pregnancy/fetus. So you would really need to trust your surrogate! Also, once the baby is born, it is still legally the surrogate mother and her partner's child. Even though they both have no genetic contribution! A parentage order is made through the courts after the baby has been in the care of the actual parents for 28 days, and the legal guardianship is transferred to them.

The reverse of this is also true though: if the intending parents decide at any point during the pregnancy or following the birth (before the parentage order has gone through) that they don't want the baby - then legally the surrogate and her partner are 'stuck with it'. In the eyes of the law it's their child. Obviously they could choose to terminate (if early enough into the pregnancy) or adopt the baby out following birth. But both options would be horrendous emotional minefields.

There's a process of counselling and personality testing for all parties involved, as well as separate lawyers for both the surrogate and partner, and the Intended Parents so a 'surrogacy agreement' can be drawn up. This is a ridiculously expensive piece of paper that outlines what will happen over the embryo transfer, pregnancy and birth, but isn't worth the paper it's printed on, because it all comes back to the fact that the surrogate has the legal rights. Again, you would REALLY want to trust your surrogate here in Australia.

So after coming to terms with all that a surrogate journey in my country would entail, and deciding that it was still something that I felt compelled to do, I set about familiarising myself with the world of families seeking surrogates. Surprisingly there didn't appear to be a great many of them (which I think comes back to the fact that it's illegal to advertise that you need a surrogate, or would like to be a surrogate! They do like to make a complicated process just that little bit worse). But I did stumble across a family who's story struck a cord with me. They were the same age as my hubby and I, and had experienced a similar background with some serious health complications that had led them to this situation. We started emailing and over a matter of months came to know each other quite well!

Obviously there is a lot more of the story to fill in between then and now, but I'm chuffed to say that we are currently 10wks pregnant with a very precious surrogate baby. I have been writing a pregnancy diary for the baby, and for his/her mum, and will share some of those extracts, and this unique journey as it unfolds over the next few months. But I think for now I've probably prattled on enough :)