Week 22 and the acrobatics

This little baby is a mover! I doubt very much this this will be the last time I say that too! He just does not stop. And the rare moments when I think 'oh, he's been a bit quiet', will usually be very short-lived. I've learnt that all I have to do is lay down flat on the couch and wait for about a minute. Something about being flat on my back must either wake him up or restrict his space so that he starts to push against the sides of my uterus. I don't know what it is - but it's a surefire way to check he's ok.

He's so strong now, that he's able to make himself visible on the outside of my belly already too. And if you place your hand in the right spot, you can feel him on the outside of my belly as well. I was just laying down for a rest earlier, and he was kicking up a storm. My 4yr old was able to feel some of his flickery kicks. She was mildly amused! lol

I had been feeling like my energy levels were doing better at the start of this week. And a little while earlier I'd rolled over in bed and heard a 'click' noise, and felt my hip pop back in (it has been significantly less painful since then too). But for the last few days I've really hit a wall at about 3pm and then again at about 8pm, heading to bed around about then. I was telling baby's mum that I feel like a nanna!

So all in all things have been going pretty well. I'm feeling quite on top of things with the housework, our business, the kids and organising christmas. (I actually didn't know if I should buy something for my IPs for baby for Christmas, or just something for their little 2yr old... but I decided to buy for both of them. It's so cute too. Something that I would have wanted to buy for my own kids when they were newborns (if I'd seen this in the catalogue), but wouldn't have ever justified! Especially for the second child! It was hand-me-downs all the way for my youngest! lol

I do remember reading another Surrogate's story at the start of the year, talking about her struggles with going shopping and wanting to buy baby clothes, but not feeling like she was able to. I must say that I haven't really had that yet - I walk past the baby section and look at it more as 'what might be a cute outfit for a collectable teddy bear I'm making', rather than wanting to purchase clothes for the baby. There is definitely a sense of relief there that I don't have to organise a newborn's wardrobe, nursery furniture, prams, slings, rockers and baby swings... this is a very relaxed way to bring a baby into the world. All of the logistical side with clothing and furniture is left to someone else! We've actually found ourselves selling off our old cot and change table as our youngest no longer needs them!

A very bizarre situation indeed!

Another week and a half and I'll do another belly update. I almost did one today - I feel HUGE - but I'd say that's more about eating a massive lunch with my family then having a huge baby in there!

Symptoms at 20weeks

We have our next hospital appointment tomorrow. IM is flying down again (poor thing has clocked up a lot of km in the last week) to attend with me, so that we can try and avoid the situation that happened at the last hospital appointment.

I actually think that this will be the last appointment there for a while - provided everything looks good tomorrow. And that from now on I can just go to my normal GP who is 5min down the road, and surprisingly very supportive and 'on my side' with all things surrogacy. This is called 'GP Shared Care', and is what I managed to do with my first pregnancy, and tried to do with my second before everyone started stressing that he wasn't growing properly... (being born at 10lb kind of blew that theory out of the water though!).

This pregnancy feels pretty easy at the moment. The worst symptoms I have to report are a bit of hip pain (I'm thinking Pelvic Girdle Pain) that radiates down the right side of my lower back/buttocks, and is worse at night. Especially if I've gone to bed, laid down for a while, then have to hoist myself back up again to see to the kids. Walking in heals probably doesn't help either! lol Nor carrying my 2.5yr old who weighs the same as an average 5yr old... but I must say keeping active and moving through the pain helps. When I stop and try to rest it, it seems to seize up more. Will have to try and remember to talk to the doctor tomorrow about that...

Also getting a little intermittent heart burn still. Not every day yet... that will come soon I'm sure! But just periodically, usually in the afternoons/evenings again. Heart burn is one of those things thats nasty when it's happening to you, but when it's not you're kind of like 'oh, what's all the fuss about!

Oh - and the kicking! For all my stressing about him not moving enough in the last few weeks, he's making up for it now. Lots of rhythmical, repeditive shoves from the inside. Still most of them down low in my pelvis like he's aiming for my bladder, or up under my belly button. They seem to be the target spots. Either that, or those spots are where I have the most pressure receptors? My hubby fell asleep with his arm draped over my lower belly/hips the other night, and baby went CRAZY trying to kick him off! He definitely seems to be quite sensitive to external stimulus as he didn't really like the poking and probing of the ultrasound last week either.

I was actually thinking this morning how proud I am of my body in getting us this far. I think it's kind of easy to take the absolute miracle of pregnancy for granted, especially when you're just going through the normal day to day tasks of life and forgetting at times that there is a little passenger in there... but seriously - growing another human being is magic. Normally you can take some genetic credit for the strength/wriggliness/above average growth of your baby, but in this situation the baby is not related to me at all. So all I can take credit for is that my body has nurtured him, let him implant, sustained him, fed him and protected him. My kidneys filter out his waste, my blood supplies his placenta and the water I drink helps to keep him floating in his amniotic fluid... the human body is bloody amazing.

Belly shot - 20 weeks

Well... I must say I don't look as big here as I feel! :P But there has definitely been some growth since the 16wk photo (below).

Half Way

We had the 20wk scan yesterday.

We're half-way.

Wow. Where did 5 months go!?

Baby was SUPER wriggly. I always assumed that they told this to every parent getting a scan done. Kind of like an excuse for getting blurry images?! But everyone in the room could see what this cheeky little baby boy was doing. The poor sonographer would line up an image, and he'd just slip away. I'd feel a little flurry of activity on the far side of my uterus, and the image would be gone.

We did get to see everything important (including genitals to confirm that he is really a he!). And the measurements taken seem to show that he's going to be a big boy. He is measuring 1-2wks ahead for everything! His head is in the highest percentile... probably NOT what a woman facing the prospect of pushing him out of her vagina in another 5months wants to hear though!

But I am so glad he's healthy and thriving in there. I had been quite worried that I wasn't feeling his movements more consistently, but he has made up for that over the last few days. Last night it was like he was trying to tell me how annoyed he was about the ultrasound. He didn't stop dancing in there, even after I went to bed.

IM flew down to be there for the scan as well, which was really lovely. And I took my 4yr old daughter with me. She was enthusiastic for the first 10mins or so, but as the scan dragged on (nearly 1.5hrs later), she was over it.

I will take a belly shot tomorrow morning - you should see how much I've popped out in the last 4 weeks. It's so exciting to watch my body change to accomodate this little man. I'm doing my best to savour everything about this pregnancy...and to get what I wanted out of the experience :)

Sleep

My belly is big enough now to make sleeping directly on my stomach uncomfortable. Which has always been a mild annoyance to me when pregnant as I'm a belly-sleeper from way back! But with my first pregnancy, this was fine - I would just sleep a little longer in the morning to make up for any broken sleep.

My sleep is also interrupted at least three times during the night JUST to pee (and it's always like there was a waterfall in there waiting to come out! Seriously... how can I make so much pee in such a short period of time!!!). Again, with my first pregnancy this was actually kind of cool. It was like a constant reminder that I was finally PREGNANT! Plus, I could just sleep a little longer in the morning to make up for it...

However this week, my kids have joined the 'lets stop mum from getting any kind of reasonable sleep' campaign. Granted they've both had head colds complete with tracks runny green snot and coughs. But they can't wake and demand my attention at the same time. They need to take it in turns over a period of about 3-4hrs. Then, just as I've managed to get some actual sleep, the sun will come up and my 2.5yr old will decide that 5am is a brilliant time to start the day!

So there's no more 'extra morning sleep' now. Those few hours between bedtime and sunrise are so precious!!!

For those pregnant mum's out there with a handful of kids already in their care - I salute you! ;)

Booking In

I had the 'booking in' appointment at the hospital yesterday. Appointment was one of the first in the morning, but I was still there past lunch time! I assumed that would be the case though - I even took a big fat book with me. But I didn't get a chance to even finish the first chapter. Nearly all of that time was spent with the staff!

From what I understand - reading between the lines - this will be the first surrogacy case this particular hospital has encounted. Which is fine. They've been very accepting and open with me so far. But I did feel a little put out when the team leader was reluctant to even write 'surrogate' on my file in case too many people saw it. She actually voiced her concern about having the situation talked about multiple times while I was with her.... it was something I had honestly not even considered!

Because this hospital is a teaching hospital, there are student midwives that occasionally sit in on appointments as well. It was decided that the student who came in to yesterday's appointment would be the only one I'd see throughout the pregnancy; 'continued care' I think it was called. This is great - it'll be awesome to have someone consistent throughout the whole process. But the way it was 'sold' to me as stopping the other students from having access to my case and talking was a bit strange.

I've had two immediate emotional reactions to the way the first appointment was handled - gratitude that they're so willing to protect my privacy, but also a simultaneous element of annoyance that they are acting like it is something to sweep under the rug and cover up.

So by this stage I was already feeling a little emotional and fragile. Then the QUESTIONS started! lol

A lot of the questions are the same ones I've had to answer in the past - previous pregnancy complications, what kind of deliveries were my previous births, how big were the babies, what gestation did I get to, how long did I breastfeed for, did I have all my immunisations up to date, was I taking the prenatal vitamins, what was the date of my last menstral cycle, when was my last papsmear... etc. Which was fine. I can answer those questions because the answers are unemotional facts.

It was the questions like 'are you excited to be having a baby?', 'whats the support network like at home when you bring the baby home?', 'are you bonding with the baby?', 'is your partner abusive?', 'are you scared for the wellbeing of your children?', 'Is the father of this baby the same as your previous children?' that were a little intrusive and confronting. I know they have to check/screen for domestic violence, as well as drug and alcohol issues, as well as lack of support etc... but honestly it was the questions about being excited or bonding with the baby that I found the hardest to explain.

So I did my default thing, and burst into tears. Which is so counter productive, cause it just makes it one thousands times harder to express yourself while you're blabbering and sniffling and trying to regain composure. And then ofcourse the staff think something awful is going on, and that you need immediate counselling support! (Yes - the social worker was called! lol).

I tried my hardest to explain that I didn't think I was 'bonding' with the baby, and that things did feel different this time. And that that was ok. That was how it was suppose to be - and that I am actually doing totally fine. That when we got the positive pregnancy result it DID feel different to the results with my own kids. That seeing the baby on the scan was more like being at a scan with a friend and seeing their baby. And that even though I love to feel the little wriggles when baby moves, it's more of a reassurance that he's ok then a 'I'm in love with this creature' feeling.

But I didn't explain it very well. And then I was left feeling like I was a horrible person because I was trying to tell them that I wasn't bonding with the baby! It was just a big teary mess! I actually felt quite wiped out for the rest of the day, and had one of those yucky 'crying headaches' that I get after I cry. I really do hate that aspect of my personality - the 'oh no, things are getting a bit full on - I don't know what to do - someone has looked at me with kind eyes or asked me if I'm ok - must - not - cry - try biting the inside of my cheek - it isn't working - face is crumpling - they've noticed I'm getting emotional - now they really look concerned - and here we go... flood gates are open!'

It sucks!

But I know myself - and I know this part of me is unlikely to change. I do have a better control over it now in my late 20s then I did as a kid or a teen (or even in my early 20s!). But I also know I'm fine. Once I can get a good night sleep and leave the day behind me I'm back to my old self again.

Until the next appointment! lol

I sent my husband a txt when I left the hospital and told him about my teary episode. He just laughed and sent back 'a kitten drinking milk would make you cry!' - he knows me well!

Baby or blubber!?

Decided I should probably grab a 'belly shot' sooner rather than later so I had something to compare it too at the end. I'm still not convinced that much of this is baby... in fact the ratio is probably more likely 80% fat, 20% uterus! lol

But I am definitely feeling more 'pregnant' lately. I am already starting to waddle when I get out of bed in the morning and my body realigns itself after tossing and turning all night thanks to those pesky pregnancy dreams (last night's was set in medieval times, that was interesting). I had been feeling little fluttery movements, but haven't noticed them as much this week. We have been really busy with the business though. Oh - and I've discovered that if I get out of the car too fast, I make the round ligament pain under my belly SO much worse!  This is another of those things that I'd forgotten about from the last pregnancies - it seems to be specifically associated with this 4month stage where the uterus is big enough to emerge from the pelvis, and a lot of stretching and growing is going on. It's probably not really 'pain', just a tight, uncomfortable feeling. But this too will pass.

I am part of an online surrogates community now too. Which is a little bizarre to me. I'm not normally good with online groups of people, prefering to do things solo or just keeping my actual friendship/family group close. But it has been incredibly eye-opening to read through other women's experiences - and to learn a lot of 'what-not-to-do' situations!

Actually, the biggest benefit I've taken from the group is how similar all of our experiences have been. I had assumed that I was alone in my experience of not having everyone in my frienship network agree with what I was doing - but in actual fact nearly every surrogate on the group has had the same thing happen. And it's nearly the exact same wording/concerns these people express too:

'I think it's selfish of you to do this'
'What about the impact to your family? Did you think of that?'
'You should only do this for family, not friends'
'You're only doing this to grab for attention'
You haven't supported me in my hard time, now you're too busy with the surrogacy'
'You're never going to be able to give up the baby'
'I have a feeling something bad is going to happen'
'I don't agree with the process. I think it's wrong. They should just accept that they can't have kids'
etc.

One poor surrogate was getting this kind of bullshit from her twin sister! Angry that the surrogate pregnancy had coincided with her accidental pregnancy, and that the attention wasn't all on her.

I don't have any solutions to this strange phenomenon, but do find it really curious. I've struggled a lot with my own personal situation of this after being confronted and subsequently 'unfriended' by someone I'd known for over 16yrs - and actually least expected this from. But decided quite a while ago that I was giving too much weight to the negative minority at the expense of the positive and supportive majority. (It's always the way though - you can have 100 people support you on something, but it only takes one negative voice in the croud to plant the seed of doubt and shake your focus).

Perhaps the trick is to see the single negative voice for the weight it actually has, rather than prioritising it so much and giving it a greater power then it deserves. Easier said then done in a lot of situations (especially when this voice is coming from your twin!) - but everything is a journey. A process. And this is just another expected bump in the road.

Who knows what the future holds...