Booking In

I had the 'booking in' appointment at the hospital yesterday. Appointment was one of the first in the morning, but I was still there past lunch time! I assumed that would be the case though - I even took a big fat book with me. But I didn't get a chance to even finish the first chapter. Nearly all of that time was spent with the staff!

From what I understand - reading between the lines - this will be the first surrogacy case this particular hospital has encounted. Which is fine. They've been very accepting and open with me so far. But I did feel a little put out when the team leader was reluctant to even write 'surrogate' on my file in case too many people saw it. She actually voiced her concern about having the situation talked about multiple times while I was with her.... it was something I had honestly not even considered!

Because this hospital is a teaching hospital, there are student midwives that occasionally sit in on appointments as well. It was decided that the student who came in to yesterday's appointment would be the only one I'd see throughout the pregnancy; 'continued care' I think it was called. This is great - it'll be awesome to have someone consistent throughout the whole process. But the way it was 'sold' to me as stopping the other students from having access to my case and talking was a bit strange.

I've had two immediate emotional reactions to the way the first appointment was handled - gratitude that they're so willing to protect my privacy, but also a simultaneous element of annoyance that they are acting like it is something to sweep under the rug and cover up.

So by this stage I was already feeling a little emotional and fragile. Then the QUESTIONS started! lol

A lot of the questions are the same ones I've had to answer in the past - previous pregnancy complications, what kind of deliveries were my previous births, how big were the babies, what gestation did I get to, how long did I breastfeed for, did I have all my immunisations up to date, was I taking the prenatal vitamins, what was the date of my last menstral cycle, when was my last papsmear... etc. Which was fine. I can answer those questions because the answers are unemotional facts.

It was the questions like 'are you excited to be having a baby?', 'whats the support network like at home when you bring the baby home?', 'are you bonding with the baby?', 'is your partner abusive?', 'are you scared for the wellbeing of your children?', 'Is the father of this baby the same as your previous children?' that were a little intrusive and confronting. I know they have to check/screen for domestic violence, as well as drug and alcohol issues, as well as lack of support etc... but honestly it was the questions about being excited or bonding with the baby that I found the hardest to explain.

So I did my default thing, and burst into tears. Which is so counter productive, cause it just makes it one thousands times harder to express yourself while you're blabbering and sniffling and trying to regain composure. And then ofcourse the staff think something awful is going on, and that you need immediate counselling support! (Yes - the social worker was called! lol).

I tried my hardest to explain that I didn't think I was 'bonding' with the baby, and that things did feel different this time. And that that was ok. That was how it was suppose to be - and that I am actually doing totally fine. That when we got the positive pregnancy result it DID feel different to the results with my own kids. That seeing the baby on the scan was more like being at a scan with a friend and seeing their baby. And that even though I love to feel the little wriggles when baby moves, it's more of a reassurance that he's ok then a 'I'm in love with this creature' feeling.

But I didn't explain it very well. And then I was left feeling like I was a horrible person because I was trying to tell them that I wasn't bonding with the baby! It was just a big teary mess! I actually felt quite wiped out for the rest of the day, and had one of those yucky 'crying headaches' that I get after I cry. I really do hate that aspect of my personality - the 'oh no, things are getting a bit full on - I don't know what to do - someone has looked at me with kind eyes or asked me if I'm ok - must - not - cry - try biting the inside of my cheek - it isn't working - face is crumpling - they've noticed I'm getting emotional - now they really look concerned - and here we go... flood gates are open!'

It sucks!

But I know myself - and I know this part of me is unlikely to change. I do have a better control over it now in my late 20s then I did as a kid or a teen (or even in my early 20s!). But I also know I'm fine. Once I can get a good night sleep and leave the day behind me I'm back to my old self again.

Until the next appointment! lol

I sent my husband a txt when I left the hospital and told him about my teary episode. He just laughed and sent back 'a kitten drinking milk would make you cry!' - he knows me well!

Baby or blubber!?

Decided I should probably grab a 'belly shot' sooner rather than later so I had something to compare it too at the end. I'm still not convinced that much of this is baby... in fact the ratio is probably more likely 80% fat, 20% uterus! lol

But I am definitely feeling more 'pregnant' lately. I am already starting to waddle when I get out of bed in the morning and my body realigns itself after tossing and turning all night thanks to those pesky pregnancy dreams (last night's was set in medieval times, that was interesting). I had been feeling little fluttery movements, but haven't noticed them as much this week. We have been really busy with the business though. Oh - and I've discovered that if I get out of the car too fast, I make the round ligament pain under my belly SO much worse!  This is another of those things that I'd forgotten about from the last pregnancies - it seems to be specifically associated with this 4month stage where the uterus is big enough to emerge from the pelvis, and a lot of stretching and growing is going on. It's probably not really 'pain', just a tight, uncomfortable feeling. But this too will pass.

I am part of an online surrogates community now too. Which is a little bizarre to me. I'm not normally good with online groups of people, prefering to do things solo or just keeping my actual friendship/family group close. But it has been incredibly eye-opening to read through other women's experiences - and to learn a lot of 'what-not-to-do' situations!

Actually, the biggest benefit I've taken from the group is how similar all of our experiences have been. I had assumed that I was alone in my experience of not having everyone in my frienship network agree with what I was doing - but in actual fact nearly every surrogate on the group has had the same thing happen. And it's nearly the exact same wording/concerns these people express too:

'I think it's selfish of you to do this'
'What about the impact to your family? Did you think of that?'
'You should only do this for family, not friends'
'You're only doing this to grab for attention'
You haven't supported me in my hard time, now you're too busy with the surrogacy'
'You're never going to be able to give up the baby'
'I have a feeling something bad is going to happen'
'I don't agree with the process. I think it's wrong. They should just accept that they can't have kids'
etc.

One poor surrogate was getting this kind of bullshit from her twin sister! Angry that the surrogate pregnancy had coincided with her accidental pregnancy, and that the attention wasn't all on her.

I don't have any solutions to this strange phenomenon, but do find it really curious. I've struggled a lot with my own personal situation of this after being confronted and subsequently 'unfriended' by someone I'd known for over 16yrs - and actually least expected this from. But decided quite a while ago that I was giving too much weight to the negative minority at the expense of the positive and supportive majority. (It's always the way though - you can have 100 people support you on something, but it only takes one negative voice in the croud to plant the seed of doubt and shake your focus).

Perhaps the trick is to see the single negative voice for the weight it actually has, rather than prioritising it so much and giving it a greater power then it deserves. Easier said then done in a lot of situations (especially when this voice is coming from your twin!) - but everything is a journey. A process. And this is just another expected bump in the road.

Who knows what the future holds...

Bizarre Pregnancy Dreams

There are so many aspects of pregnancy that you forget about when you're not pregnant. A little like labour and delivery I think. In the midst of the pain you wonder how you could ever forget what this is like - let alone come back and do it again. But even just a week later the memory has faded! (and a lot of people do go back and do it again! lol).

The main surprising symptoms of my first pregnancy were exhaustion, heartburn and VERY vivid dreams. Second pregnancy the exhaustion was back, the heartburn was killer, and the dreams were just as crazy.

This pregnancy actually is no different in those aspects so far! Yet I find myself being surprised when I have no energy, or have to sleep propped upright, or wake from yet another bizarre dream.

One of the first crazy dreams I had was right back in the first early weeks. I remember emailing the IM about it. I had dreamt that I was helping some random guy commit a murder because someone was annoying him (I think it was his mum), and he needed help to hide her body under a pile of rubbish he was taking to the dump in the back of his ute. We were driving around and I felt so paranoid of police pulling us over! The dream quickly morphed to my living in a cave-like house under the roots of a massive tree, then going into labour and delivery 5 baby girls who all came out in a jumble of body parts and had to be reassembled like plastic dolls. I had the distinct feeling that it was like delivery a baby-fruit-salad. But the babies were fine.... just in pieces.

That one was particularly weird.

Then a few nights ago I had another very vivid, quite scary dream. Our dog was barking at something in the early hours of the morning and I woke enough to conciously register the noise. It was his 'scared' bark that he reserves for when he's unsure about something, or thinks someone is near the house. I vaguely remembered my husband getting up to check what was going on, but must have slipped back to sleep without realising.

The dream took over from reality with a seamless quality. I was now dreaming that while my husband had openend the front door to check what the dog was barking at, some intruders had cut the power to our house. I then got up to check out the back and hit the switch for the lights on the patio. They take a second to turn on properly, but I walked out the door before realising that they hadn't actually turned on. I was standing in the dark, outside, with the dog nowhere to be seen, when I suddenly realised that something was wrong. I went back inside and walked back to my bedroom. I attempted to get back into bed when I realised someone was in there with my husband and they were fighting/wrestling. Suddenly I became really FAT and HEAVY and managed to body slam into the intruder, knocking the knife from their hand. My husband and I tackled them, then we realised there was another person in the house as well. I ran to protect my kids and somehow we managed to get both intruders (women) tied up and sitting on my daughters small pink car bed! I remember the frustrated feel of trying to call for the police but not remembering the 'unlock' key for my phone! Then deciding that we'd just deal with these people ourselves. We interregated them as to what they were doing in our home, and suddenly they were all appologetic - handing me a piece of paper that was supposedly from our IPs saying that they were bored with the surrogacy process and thought it would be best to just take out our whole family - so they'd hired hit-women!

By this stage it was nearing morning and my lucid dreaming took over. I was horrified that I'd dreampt such a stupid, scary dream. So changed direction and dreamt that we walked the two intruders down the road to the police station and handed them over. I woke up and was telling my husband about the dream. I asked if the dog had actually been barking and if he had actually gotten out of bed (both actual things that happened!). The rest was just my over-tired pregnancy brain!

The problem with vivid dreams like these - especially ones that aren't as bizarre as delivering fruit-salad babies in a cave under a tree - tend to follow me around for a few days while I 'process' them! I have no idea if it has any obscure meaning, I gave up trying to work out meanings for my dreams years ago! But it is a little hint as to what the next 6 months of nights have in store for me!

Just an update - 14wks already

We're 14 weeks pregnant already.

That just seems rediculous. How the hell has that much time passed!? How the hell are we already in OCTOBER!!! Where has this year gone!

My belly has started to protrude slightly more then normal (but I do normally have a little belly - thanks to the last two pregnancies!), so I won't be including a belly shot just yet! I can feel the hardness of my uterus, especially when I'm laying down. My boobs are SO sore. They were never this sore with my previous pregnancies. I was still breastfeeding my daughter when we fell pregnant with our son though, which may explain why I didn't get as sore that time. But this time around they are so painful to even bump that I dread taking off my bra at night. I already have colostrum, just a tiny amount - but it's there. Which is really quite surprising to me. This didn't happen before either. I suppose 3 times on, my body has kind of worked out this pregnancy thing. Not sure what I'll do with the colostrum/milk following delivery though... but we have a while to nut that out.

I've been watching a lot of the TV show 'One Born Every Minute'. I've always liked the show, and found it fascinating to watch how different women's labours progress. Especially how some seem to breeze through it like it's nothing at all, and others have complication after complication. It has also brought home the reality of my own impending delivery though. And even though that's probably at least another 26 weeks away ( longer if I go overdue again, as I have in both of my previous pregnancies), the knowledge that I will have to 'squeeze a baby out' as my 4yr old likes to put it, is a little confronting.

I've been doing a LOT of thinking about what's making me so uneasy about the birth, and I honestly think its a combination of knowing exactly what I'm in for (pain/process-wise) mixed with not knowing what it's going to be like to labour with the parents of the baby rather then my husband. I think it's this 'unknown', the fact that this is a situation I have NEVER been in before, that's making my brain go into overdrive a bit. I'm constantly trying to picture what it'll be like - but my imaginings are always best-case-scenario (and probably a little movie-like!).

I did watch an episode of One Born Every Minute in which an American surrogate was delivering a little boy for a couple from Europe who had been trying for a baby for over 17years. It was so touching to watch the midwives interacting with the surrogate and the couple, and the moment when the baby was born and handed to the mum. Everyone was crying (I was crying! lol). I think my hubby thought I'd officially gone insane!

I think what I'm finding the hardest to imagine is how we'll all be feeling in those moments/hours/days after baby is born. I believe that I will cry like a baby when bub is born. And that I'll probably be quite fragile and emotional for a while afterwards while my body heals and my hormones try to regain some balance. I intend to try my hardest not to be too snappy and rude when I'm in pain. From what I remember of my previous deliveries, I do get quite short with the midwives and my hubby. I remember him whispering and laughing to me after my son was born and calm had returned to the birthing suite, 'you were so rude to those poor midwives you know!'. I will feel horrible if I get snappy with bub's mum and dad! I also wonder/worry a bit about how nudity will go down! I was quite happy to strip right off and deliver in the buff with both my kids... but this will be a little different!

As you can see - I'm doing a lot of thinking about things that really don't need to be thought about just yet. I'm sure if the due date was to suddenly be tomorrow - everything would just work out. I just need to trust.

(Oh - and on a side note, the weird rash from my 12wk post seems to have cleared up! No more itching all day all over, and no more weird red welts! Still not sure what that was about - but happy to have it gone.)